The Harmony of Hugs

{As a sidenote, yes, I know I am ridiculously behind on my "30 Days of Thankful," just as I'm woefully behind on everything else in my life. I've got a list of 30, and I'll post them all eventually, even if in one big catchup post.}

In the vast vocabulary of body language, I'm pretty sure hugs are the most glorious form of communication. There is something so infinitely comforting and validating about an embrace, that mutual invitation inside of each other's space bubble, that squeeze that says "you are so wonderful" in ways that mere words fall flat.

When it comes to love languages, I am all about touch - the physical manifestation of emotion. It's tangible. It's personal. It's affectionate. It's genuine and real. There's nothing I love better in the world than to be snuggled up to someone I love (especially when that someone is the world's most handsome Sheltie named Shep!).

Blame it on life experience, but I don't put a whole lot of stock into words. I do, however, appreciate a really, really good hug. I'm sure kissing is even better when it's with the right person, but so far, kissing has failed to impress me. However, thankfully I've had some winning huggers in my day. The best ever was the guy who I eventually wrote on his mission. When he hugged me, he'd just hold me there, and I would melt, being held as long as he wanted to hold me. Nearly a decade has passed, and I can still feel the comfort of those embraces. I miss them.

It's been interesting on my dating journey this year to contemplate each of the hugs that inherently come at the end of a date (well, except for that awkward, awful date - he didn't even get a high-five!). The one-armed hug is like nailing the coffin of a would-be relationship. It's a sure sign to me that whatever potential was there is gone. Then there's the one-arm-over, one-arm-under hug. To me, that's a familial, platonic embrace. There's definitely the draw in and the warmth, but it's more friendly than flirty.

What I miss are the REAL hugs - the ones I got from potential beaux and guy friends alike back in my undergrad days. Those involved arms being wrapped around my waist and mine around either their necks or their torsos. Those are the kind of hugs that linger. It has been far too long since I've had one of those, and tell you what, I miss 'em! Here's hoping that I find at least a guy friend who knows how to give a real hug sooner than later. Why I had those kinds of huggers in spades 10 years ago but can't find one now is a mystery, and a sad one at that.

My Love-Hate for the Holidays

I have such an intense love-hate relationship with the holiday season. On the one hand, I absolutely ADORE the holidays. They really are magical!!! It's so fun to get into the season and enjoy the camaraderie and celebration and giving that happens during this time of year. Shopping and wrapping presents, baking up a storm, decorating - LOVE it all. My favorite thing all year is throwing an annual party for my friends. In California, I did a "cookie party" each year. Since being roommates with Christina, we've broadened the scope to an amazing, full-blown Christmas party, complete with lots of food, games, and even a service project. Planning that thing is my favorite part of the year!!! Chris and I started discussing it back in October, I think, and it's going to be all kinds of awesome. That party really is what makes Christmas special for me! It's so fun to throw my whole heart into creating something special for my friends.

But at the same time, the holidays just magnify the aloneness I feel where family is concerned. While I have relatives aplenty who I love, including two sets of parents and two wonderful siblings, I don't feel like a part of a "family." I haven't been included in a family unit since childhood, really. Even as a teen, I was a free agent, arranging who I spent holidays with on my own. It is what it is, and I can't do anything to change it, but that doesn't take away the sting that comes each year around this time. So many people are so sweet and kind and welcoming, inviting me into their celebrations so I'm not alone, but honestly, that makes it harder! It stings to see the joy and sense of belonging that come in those familial bonds - joy and security I lack. Holidays with my family are too painful, and so staying on my own has become the lesser of two evils.

It's the better choice for me at this point in my life, and it is a conscious choice - but that doesn't mean it is ideal, either. Frankly, it kinda ticks me off, because there really isn't a good choice. All I want is my own family - a loving husband, fun in-laws, my own children, my own home. I want people to spoil rotten and to receive all this love I want to lavish, but for which I lack an outlet. It isn't even like I have nieces and nephews to spoil, y'know? Families can be so beautiful and wonderful, and I can't wait to create that someday. For now, I'll just keep on keeping on - and sincerely hoping that this is the last year I have to do it alone.

(Thanks for letting me vent, friends. Sometimes I just need a hug, and there's no one to ask for one, so the digital listening ear is much appreciated.)

Thankful No. 9: Starry Skies

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream."

- Vincent van Gogh

Ohhhh, how I love starry skies. Next to the temple, there is nothing that makes me feel connected to my Heavenly Father and provides much-needed perspective more than gazing at the stars, if only for a few moments. Somehow I feel so complete when contemplating the immensity of the heavens. It's so close to my heart, it's hard to express, really.

Few things inspire more awe than considering that God, our Heavenly Father, created everything on our planet and on so many others - and yet, He knows how many hairs are on my head. He understands - and, furthermore, actually cares - about every little detail of my life, from the major issues of marriage and career to getting a good parking spot in Orange County on those nights when I was sooooo exhausted, getting home at 1 a.m. from a city council meeting. How is that even possible?! And yet, it's the case. That idea totally blows my mind!

While camping at Capitol Reef this summer, I ended up outside at 3 a.m. and was absolutely amazed by the beauty of the starry sky. It was more full than any sky I've ever seen before, even more so than in Island Park. It's one thing to know there are lots more stars than we usually see - it's something else altogether to actually see them, spanning the sky from horizon to horizon. How many stars do we miss every night because of city lights? Similarly, how many blessings from God do we not recognize on a daily basis, taking them for granted? How many impressions do we miss because of distractions from other sources?

Also, the stars are so constant, coming in their appointed times and seasons, so sure that travelers of old looked to them for direction. I may not need them to indicate north, south, east, or west, but I do look to them for reassurance that despite whatever might seem so huge in my life at the moment, it'll pass. How many lives have they seen, after all? It's like my good friend Orion in the sky. Seriously, I feel such comfort and peace when I see that constellation, remembering how stressful that senior year of college was - and yet, the best times were ahead of me. Furthermore, how much has my life changed for the good since I blogged that three years ago? How much will that continue to be the case throughout all eternity?

So, unlike van Gogh, I do know some things with certainty - namely, that God our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ, watch over us and are intricately involved with the details and complexities of our lives, even with all the immensity of their creations. And it is that knowledge, more than anything, that leaves me dreaming at the sight of starry skies.

Thankful No. 8: The Sabbath

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." - Exodus 20:8

Oh, how I love Sundays!!! With traveling, General Conference, and being sick, I've only had perhaps one normal Sunday in the last 5-6 weeks, and I have missed enjoying the Sabbath day. As the Lord taught in Mark 2:27, the Sabbath was made for man - not the other way around. It's so true! There is something so renewing and refreshing about setting aside one day a week to rest from our labors, to worship, and to focus on Jesus Christ and His glorious gospel.

Today I really enjoyed sleeping in (which is 9 a.m. to me, but hey, it's something!), taking time to look my Sunday best, meeting with fellow ward leaders to discuss the needs of those in our stewardships, and attending church, where I learned from a wonderful Relief Society lesson by my dear friend Stacey, taught about the power and blessings of fasting in Gospel Principles, partook of the sacrament, and was richly edified by some wonderful talks in Sacrament Meeting. Then I took a leisurely drive around Draper and past the temple instead of rushing home, and I've enjoyed taking it easy all evening, cooking dinner for my roommate and just enjoying home. Now I'm curled up on the couch, enjoying lovely piano music a la Christina while blogging - and, in a moment, I'll dig into the scriptures for yet more Sunday edification. It's lovely!

Keeping the Sabbath day holy is so often overlooked in the world today, but it's so important. In the rush of day-to-day living, there's nothing we need more than to stop, rest, and reconnect with God, ourselves, and our fellow man. How grateful I am for the blessings of the Sabbath day!

Thankful No. 7: Soup

Ahhhh, winter. As much as the shift toward cold weather leaves me... well... cold initially, I'm starting to embrace the chill for some of its perks. Namely, soup.

Soup is delicious! It's such a versatile, nourishing food category. This winter, a few coworkers and I are doing a weekly "soup swap" - one of us makes a pot of soup each week and divvies it up four ways, meaning that all winter long I'm getting a couple servings of homemade soup but only having to make soup once a month.

In other words, genius.

And, with that, I need to go whip up a batch of Baked Potato Soup a la Our Best Bites. TRUST me, you need to make this soup. Deliciousness!!!

Thankful No. 6: Draper

Moving to Utah was, hands down, one of the greatest decisions of my life, and settling down in Draper was one of the best choices since.

I absolutely adore where we live!!! Located in the southeast end of the Salt Lake valley, Draper is so ideal for our household. Christina and I both commute southward - with mine being the longest, a full half-hour at least each way - but it's totally worth it to live in this darling town, and to live in the Salt Lake valley as opposed to Utah County. Been there, done that, loved it as a BYU student, happy to work there - but I love living up in the Salt Lake area. It's awesome. We're up on the hill, and I adore the panoramic view of the valley I get every time I come home or leave the neighborhood, seeing all the way to downtown, seeing four temples in the valley, considering the sacrifices the pioneers made to settle here.

Draper is a pretty unique town, too. There's a ton of gorgeous new homes - but there are a lot of large lots with horses and gardens and the like. I love going on drives around Draper, exploring the neighborhoods nearby. I'm in love with the old, gingerbread-looking pioneer houses, intermingled with more recent homes. There's a rural edge that remains here, but not quite as rough and rural as Lehi is. It's polished yet rural and somehow really down to earth, I guess? It's funny, because Draper isn't far from Lehi, and they have a lot of similarities, but somehow they seem different. I could see myself staying in Draper, which isn't something I felt while living in Lehi.

More than anything, though, it's the people in Draper who I adore. Our ward is amazing, and I've been so impressed with the Draper natives I've met both in college and since living here now. They're just good people!!! I really enjoy our ward and the friends I've made here. It's funny, because I've lived in Draper for well over a year now, but it's only been since May that I started attending the ward, and it's only been in the last few months (since my play ended) that I've made the effort to explore my surroundings. I'm so glad I have, because the more I do, the more I fall in love with it here. It's such a wonderful place to live!

Thankful No. 5: Fabulous Friends

Seriously, I have the greatest friends in the world!!! I'm always in awe as to how I've been blessed with such a phenomenal support system of men and women who choose to be a part of my life. Most of my closest friends are people I've known for at least 5-10 years, and it's such a joy to spend time with them - and, in many cases, to develop friendships now with these little people who call my friends "Mom" and "Dad." I adore each of my friend's kids because they're awesome extensions of my friends.

I'm such an extrovert, but it takes me time to warm up and feel comfortable enough to completely be myself, no holds barred. These great friends not only know the real me - they love me for it! And I love them, too. They're such awesome individuals with so much wisdom and compassion to offer, and I'll be forever grateful for the influence they've had in my life. Hands down, each has helped me to become a better person, and I will forever be indebted to them for it.

Thankful No. 4: The Beach

You can take the girl out of California, but you can never take the California out of this girl. East Coast, West Coast, from Georgia to Seattle, I never feel more at home with the world than when I've got the sand between my toes and the surf dancing about my ankles. When thinking of nature's beauty, one usually thinks of forests and mountain grandeur, but for me, it's all about the beach.

Living in Orange County - and especially working in Laguna Beach - only served to solidify my lifelong adoration of the beach, one that dates back to childhood summer days spent at Newport Beach. To this day, there's nothing that makes me more giddy than combing the beach for seashells and feeling the water all around me, frolicking in the surf. I feel a little bad that my future children will miss out on growing up by the beach (since I refuse to move back to California ever), but I hope I can instill in them as much of a love of the beach as I have.

Thankful No. 3: Lifelong Learning

Oh man. I looooooove to learn. LOVE it. Like, pretty much my favorite thing on the planet is acquiring knowledge. It's so cool! There are a million things to learn in this world, and it seems like my curiosity is never satiated. Thankfully this "intellectual curiosity" is an asset, from what I've been told, because I can't help it. I look at a boomerang, and I want to know how the aborigines figured that out. What in its shape makes it return? Oh, and I am SUCH a sucker for historical plaques!!! I want to know what significant thing occurred in that location, and I love thinking about how different those people's lives were way back when (like while in Savannah, contemplating yellow fever epidemics and the Civil War).

I'm so grateful for the opportunities I've had as far as education is concerned. As early as first grade, school was my thing. It was where I felt I could achieve and shine, where I could be stretched beyond my comfort zone and excel. That feeling lasted throughout my undergrad and continues today, not only as I pursue my master's degree but also as I learn in my career. It's fun to improve and expand beyond the familiar.

I love, too, how learning is not limited to an educational institution or the quest for a degree. A tour of Utah State campus last month totally renewed my quest to dig and learn more about things beyond my comfort zone, like astronomy and physics, why things are the way they are. My area of expertise is soooo right-brained and centered on humanities, history, arts, language, etc. Math still doesn't hold a draw, but science sure does. Would I ever get a degree in it? Nope. But will I study on my own to learn about the heavens? You betcha!

Thankful No. 2: My Sister

When I was little, all I wanted was a sister. All I had in the way of siblings was my older brother, and we fought like cats and dogs - but I was always so, so sure that if I had a sister, things would be different.

When I was 14, I got my wish. Her name is Tessa.

My darling little sister is so awesome. We've been really close ever since she was teeny. I'll never forget the first time I held her in my arms. She was a few months old by the time I got to meet her, and I remember being so filled with love for this little person. In high school I stayed at my dad's on the weekends pretty often, and I always got sooooo excited to see Tessa - to play with her, to see what new things she'd learned. And the feeling was mutual! Her whole little body would get so tense with excitement, it was so cute! I loved every minute of being an older sister, getting to dote on her and teach her new things.

Well, now Miss Tessa is 14, and she doesn't need me to take care of her like I would during those babysitting weekends. Still, some things never change. Whenever I go home to California, I still get so thrilled to see Tessa, to see how she's changed as she grows up, to hear about her latest archery accomplishments (oh yes - she's a competitive archer with a whole slew of medals and wins in her proverbial quiver!). She's becoming such an awesome young woman, and I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her, having fun on our "sister dates." Doting on Tessa still comes so easily - she's my favorite family member to shop for, and I always see fun things that make me think of her. 

Most of all, I still love teaching her things, sharing with her what I've learned from experience, from hair-styling tips (since she inherited the same crazy curls from our dad) to dating advice to being confident and happy. Not sure how much of it sticks, but knowing I need to be an example to her has helped me become a better woman. How grateful I am for my darling little sister, and I look forward to many more adventures as she moves into adulthood in just a few short years!

Thankful No. 1: Words

I know this comes a day late for the one-a-day dealio, but I knew if I busted out my laptop last night when I composed this in my mind, it'd be game over for my bedtime! So, here we go...

One of the biggest blessings in my life are words. That might sound funny, right? But as a writer, words are so central to everything I do. Language is like air or water - it's so ubiquitous that it can be easy to take for granted.

But think of all the blessings we get from the ability to communicate!!! I am so profoundly grateful for this medium with which I can translate feelings and thoughts and other intangible concepts into something that others can understand. Anyone who's ever attempted to communicate with someone who doesn't speak the same language can appreciate how frustrating it is, as I discovered while coming across international travelers galore in Banff - you know what you want to say, but they can't understand you, nor can you understand them, and it all devolves into rough hand gestures.

And smiles, since smiles are universal. You don't need words for that, at least.

The English language only has 26 letters, but the possibilities that come from combinations thereof seem nearly endless. It's amazing how each person has his or her own unique voice that comes across in the written word. It's one of the ways scholars have proven that the Book of Mormon has multiple authors - the different writers have their own patterns that come across through words, millennia after those words were written.

Just last night I showed my roommate an email I'd written a friend, and she busted out laughing. "Only you could get away with some of these sentences, Christa," she said. Puzzled (and slightly embarrassed), I asked what she meant - and then she read aloud what I'd written (in describing Fictionist, my fav band, to a friend):

Their sound has been described as "space age rock" - I love it. It's really fresh but not so unique that it's unmarketable on a broader scale. And the guys in the band are all really, really gifted musicians (and all-around cool people). That innate musicality also helps set their sound apart from so much of what's out there.

 Yup. That's me. But don't you just love how words can put down in a tangible form that intangible essence that is a person? It's sooooo cool!!!

Seriously. Words are awesome. Love, love, love them.

30 Days of Thankfulness

Well, friends, Halloween is behind us, and somehow we find ourselves in November.

Nov. Em. Ber. Like, next-to-last month of the year. How on earth did that happen?!

The downside is that November is the official start of winter. The upside, however, is that winter means holidays!!! And who doesn't love holidays, right? Sure, they sometimes equal stress, but mostly they mean magic and celebrating the great things in life. I've spent the last few mostly alone since moving to Utah by choice, which is a different experience. It's not bad - it's just different. So much of what comes to mind when thinking of holidays involves big family gatherings, but that's not something that's in my life right now. There are so many traditions I can't wait to start with a family of my own someday - but I can't put off making holidays special until that day comes, either. The last two holiday seasons have felt a little lackluster. So, for now, I'm starting some traditions to make the holidays meaningful and special while flying solo.

One important tradition is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Really, this should be a daily occurrence, but since November is all about Thanksgiving, I'm going to post something for which I'm grateful each day. After all, life is so full of beauty and bounty to celebrate! And as Oprah said,

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."

I quite agree. Let the celebrating and praising begin!