Code Monkey

Guess who's learning how to do coding in her class this semester????

True story.

Gonna have some fun around here...

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

Nothing summarizes my year of working toward hitting 30 better than these famed words by Charles Dickens:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Sure, he was referring to the French Revolution and grandiose things that changed the world. I'm just talking about 12 months of my life - but, hey, still applies. My 29th year was, in so many ways, completely devastating and heartbreaking - letting go of longtime hopes on the family front, battling the reemergence of longtime health problems, falling hard for someone and then being left puzzled by something lovely unraveled. Oh, and all of those came to a head at the same time. Overwhelming is an understatement! I literally cried every day for about six weeks during the worst of it. Basically everything between December and May is a hazy blur. I feel like I lost a season of my life.

But at the same time, all of that heartbreak came with immense illumination. I could never have become the stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more patient version of myself without wading through those experiences. More on that in #4.

And so, without further adieu, here's a recap of where I stand on each of my "30 by 30" goals:

1. Become a "True Aggie."
   
   
   DONE!!! Thank you, Patrick, darling. Taxes AND True Aggiedom all in one weekend? He's pretty amazing like that. :) We've been friends (and sometimes more) for almost a dozen years now, and I absolutely adore the guy. So glad we managed to make this happen before he moved out of state!
   
   
2. Visit five new states. Sadly, I failed on this one. I did add Georgia to the list, but that was all. Plenty of travels - Southern California, Seattle, Denver, Tetons, Yellowstone - but not much new territory covered.
   
   
3. Go on 30 dates.
   
   
   DONE!!! It was an amazing journey, too. More on that here. I've been on quite a few dates since then, too, and I love it! Dating is such a fun way to expand horizons and get to know people on a different level than in "the friend zone," even if you only go on a date or two with a person. Admittedly, it's taken me a long time to shake off the disappointment (and continuing confusion) of one of the guys, but I'm looking forward to diving into my new life in Orem, getting back out there, and making the most of my last year in the YSA world. (For you non-LDS folks, we get kicked out of singles congregations at 31. The pressure is on!)
   
   
4. Become my authentic self. DONE!!! This was, hands down, the biggest challenge on the list. It meant opening up a Pandora's box and working through the disappointments and heartbreak I've swept under the rug for a lifetime. But I stepped up to the challenge, and it's been the most rewarding - albeit heartbreaking - thing I've ever done. I've done well by myself where this is concerned. Am I perfect? No. But I'm doing my absolute best to be true to myself, and that's enough.
   
   Furthermore, I've learned that letting go, while disappointing, is sometimes all you can do. It's so, so, so vital for sanity's sake to recognize what you can and can't control, and to learn to be comfortable with the unknown. I'm still working on it, but I'm definitely better at it now than I was a year ago. And nothing is forever! Relationships - familial, friends, romantic - evolve and change. Goodness knows I've had enough people cycle in and out of my life at various times. So stepping away from a loved one for now doesn't mean they won't circle back later. The upside is that when they do circle back, it's because they realize your value. Chasing after them will never accomplish that. We all deserve to be loved and cherished by those we love and cherish. Reciprocity is sooooo important in all areas of life. Sometimes we'll give more than we take, but it should balance out in the aggregate.
   
   
5. Attend the temple at least 30 times.  DONE!!! I also started working my way through all the temples in Utah, and I've only got three left there (St. George, Monticello, and Oquirrh Mountain - although I have been to St. George and Oquirrh Mountain before, just not in this go-around).
   
   
6. Learn to ski. DONE!!! Well, attempted, at least. And I hated every minute of my miserable day on the slopes. But, hey, I did give it a try, at least.
   
   
7. Drive Route 66. Boo! Didn't happen. Honestly, I'm glad, because I've needed to have flexibility with my PTO this year. But I should be able to make this happen in the spring. I'm itching to hit the open road for a few weeks and explore!!!
   
   
8. Go on a cruise with my best friends. Nope. But at least Haas and I got to visit Tabitha in Georgia, which was lovely, and I now live 5-10 minutes from Rebecca (we both moved to Orem the same week!). I absolutely love these three women (only two pictured below - we need a more current quartet shot!). They are my foundation, and I am so ridiculously blessed to have them in my life! Hopefully we can get away for girls' weekends annually when their kids get a little older...
   
   
   
   
9. Be debt-free. Working on it - should be by 31.
   
   
10. Sew what? No, my sewing machine just kept gathering dust. But now that I have a craft room and a sewing table, this one should get in motion. After all, I've got a home to decorate now! Planning to make my own curtains and pillows for the living room.
    
    
11. Get at least one really, really good kiss.
    
    
    
    You'd think, right? 30+ dates with 20-something guys, and I should've managed at least ONE?! But I don't kiss quickly or outside the context of a relationship, True Aggie-ness excepted (and we were so down to business about it!). I did have good chemistry with one of the guys, but we didn't get past holding hands (awwwww... presh). So. Let's throw this on the list again.
    
    
12. Hike Mt. Washburn. Health problems sidelined me through much of the last year, and by the time my strength was back, I was too swamped to make time for these hikes. However, I will be accomplishing this one on my upcoming Idaho trip. [UPDATE: DONE!!! As my blistered feet can attest. Totally worth it, though. Veni, vidi, vici, folks. And guess who bought a National Parks pass?! Soooo excited!!!]
    
    
13. Hike the Y. See #12 - planning to go with Stacy soon, to make up for our failed attempt at graduation ages ago.
    
    
14. Hike Timp. See #12. My company goes every fall, so I figured I'd join in there, but it's not happening this year! So I'll have to get some friends to try this before it gets too cold.
    
    
15. Read 30 books. Hmmmm... close, but not quite. According to Goodreads, I read 20 books since last August. I might have missed reporting one or two in there, but still, I didn't quite hit 30. Darn!
    
    
16. Finish the Book of Mormon twice. Halfway there? I finished it once and am working on another go-around.
    
    
17. Get starstruck. Well... I downloaded a star app and did a good amount of stargazing this year, including enjoying the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night in the Tetons (one of the most exquisite celestial experiences of my life!). But I didn't study up on this like I'd wanted.
    
    
18. Lose 30 pounds. Boo, health problems! I didn't lose 30 more, but I did manage to maintain last summer's weight loss for the most part. I discovered the awesomeness of the paleo diet and really love how I feel when I'm skipping glutens and sugar - but it's hard to do that when you're crunched for time! Hoping to get back to that when things settle down in a few weeks.
    
    
19. Make time to WRITE. Nope. Heartbreak zaps all of my desire and sparkle to write. So beyond finishing a personal narrative from last summer, this didn't happen (although I did journal a bunch during the Mr.24-29 episode). And I'm still in repair, but hopefully I can make this a priority for my 30s in general. I love writing!!!
    
    
20. Just dance. Not as much as I'd like. I did discover yoga this year, so yay for that! I do best in a structured class environment, so I'm hoping to do zumba at the Orem Rec Center a bunch and get back in the swing of attending Ballet Blast, though. Feels sooooo good!
    
    
21. Sing, sing, sing.
    
    
    
    DONE!!! Ah! Finally! Another success. This one had a few success iterations, too - singing with Lehi Chorale last Christmas, taking voice lessons (if only for a little while), getting into the audition-only Mapleton Chorale for this year (we're a couple weeks into rehearsals, and I LOVE it!!!). Feels amazing to have choral singing back in my life again weekly. I quite love it.
    
    
22. Put my clothes away in the closet, not on the floor. DONE!!! Well... at least I was... and then I got close to moving and stopped caring, haha. But my new bedroom has so much space! I have a double closet that takes up the entire length of my room, complete with built-in shelves and whatnot. No excuse to not be on top of this.
    
    
23. Reinstate "Christa Dates." DONE!!! I go through busy-busy waves and need to get better/consistent with this, but one of the lessons learned with the health problems is to listen to my poor body and learn to slooooooow dooooooooown sometimes. So I've learned to make plans by myself, whether it be going to a movie, taking a canyon drive, or browsing the outlets in Park City. Extroverted as I am, that alone time is golden.
    
    
24. Stop snoozing. Bahahahaha... no. Such a hard habit to break! Still working on it...
    
    
25. Give up the Diet Pepsi once and for all. DONE!!! And then my life got insane this month with moving and traveling... and I got back on the bottle. Curses!!! I'll have to go through the withdrawal process all over again in a week, when I give it up again after Labor Day. Not a pretty sight, but I did feel better not needing the fix to wake up my brain.
    
    
26. Write in my journal weekly. Not so much - which is funny, because usually writing is sooooo therapeutic for me to process stuff. But I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with stuff in real time and then reliving it on paper. So... now that I'm back to good, I should get on top of this again.
    
    
27. Learn to poach an egg.
    
    
    DONE!!! My darling friend Emily was sweet enough to film a tutorial for me, and I did follow it step by step in order to make some amazing Eggs Benedict from scratch. So fun!!!
    
    
28. Make the most of my commute. DONE!!! I could've done this even more, but I did up my audiobooks and Church talk listening on the drive. It makes such a difference. Some of my favorites: the audio of Jacqueline Kennedy's interviews a few months after JFK's assassination, Tina Fey's Bossypants, and many a talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell.
    
    
29. Run a 5K. I did two 5Ks this year - Color Me Rad back in April, and then the Freedom Run in July - but health problems wiped me out from running and training as I'd hoped. Actually, it was when walking the color run left me flat on my back in bed for two days that I realized something was seriously wrong, healthwise. And now I'm fine! Really need to make this happen for the 30th year.
    
    
30. Channel my inner Annie Oakley. Nope, and I don't even have a good excuse other than a busy schedule and other priorities. Hopefully I can go shooting with my cousin this fall.

2011: A Year in Review

Ringing in 2011 with the Davis clan in Provo - can't believe that was a year ago!

Hey, friends! Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to all of you! 2011 has been quite an incredible year. In many ways it's been "the best of times and the worst of times," filled with amazing adventures and the realization of long-held dreams as well as some heartbreaking disappointments. I've also been a sidelines observer to some amazing triumphs and hard times friends have experienced, and the resilience of the human spirit never ceases to amaze. I'm no doubt a better, stronger, and more authentic woman than I was when the year kicked off in January, and I can't wait to see what further growth 2012 will bring.

Anyways. On to the fun stuff. Here are some highlights from the past year:

• 16,250 miles traveled on 10 trips to/through 9 states and 1 Canadian province - and that doesn't include many trips along the Wasatch Front to Layton, Logan, and the like (which, on days like today, tack on 200 miles!). This year I journeyed to San Francisco, Capitol Reef, Glacier/Waterton/Banff/Calgary, Yellowstone/Island Park, Denver, Savannah/Atlanta, and Southern California times four (but at least to varying parts - L.A., Orange County, and San Diego). For the record, I miss Savannah and/or Banff on a near-daily basis. And I LOVE that I can say that I miss places like Savannah and Banff. Jet-setting has been a blast!



• 18 plays, 20 concerts, and 4 Sundance Film Festival flicks thoroughly enjoyed. There's such a vibrant scene of local performing arts talent around here, it's awesome!!! Those concerts range from local bands in block parties, clubs, and even their parents' homes to choirs like OCMCO or the Mormon Tabernacle in concert halls to the Pacific Symphony playing the 1812 Overture in the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater while visiting Orange County; the plays range from Broadway tours and professional companies to very, very amateur local productions. Professional or amateur, I've loved them all!



Rosie and I got to meet Kevin Clash, the man behind Elmo!


Photo snagged from Justin Hackworth


Photo snagged from Hue & Hum - see my shoulder in the tan jacket on the left?
• Oh, and let's not forget taking the stage for 1 amazing, technicolor production and 2 performances at Temple Square during the Christmas season with the Lehi Chorale. Wish I had bandwidth to do more! Can't wait to start voice lessons next week and dive into next summer's show in the spring.


• 21 dates with 12 amazing men, ranging in age from 25 to 43, with 1 more date (with possibly 1 more guy) slated for the weekend... but still 0 relationships to show for it (despite getting the label of "wifeypoo" from this summer's stage hubster). All this dating's exhausting! But I'd rather be dating than not, so... it's worth it. I've really enjoyed getting to know these guys, but I'm still definitely not used to interacting with guys I know strictly in the dating sense (as opposed to my former normal of going on dates with guys who were friends first). It's a learning process, that's for sure. Better late than never!
• 3 roommates and 2 wards, despite not moving an inch (which was LOVELY, considering I moved three times from Nov. 2009 to Sept. 2010!)
• 1 royal wedding viewed with 2 lovely friends at 3:30 a.m. via streaming internet - and yes, many happy tears were shed. Love Wills and Kate!


• 3 speeding tickets - I know, I know, slooooooow doooooooown...
• 5 temples visited, including many a trip to the temples in Newport Beach and Draper, lest this list seem all vapid and ridiculous. I wish I could've actually gone in and spent time at the Cardston Temple, but it didn't work with the travel schedule. Ah, well - maybe next time. I can't wait to add the Brigham City temple to the list next year, and the Fort Collins, Colorado, temple soon as well!

• 30 lbs. lost... but let's not talk about how many came back from 7 boxes of Candy Cane Joe-Joe's, mmmmmkay? ;) Hitting the gym again tomorrow... *sigh*

• 1 promotion at work and a 2-year work-iversary celebrated - hooray for finally finding a job into which I can settle and stay put! 
  
• 3 sections of the GRE passed with flying colors, and 1 Utah State University class toward my masters completed with an A! Just 10 more classes to go...

WHEW!!! What a year! 

Just flipping through my planner to recap makes me exhausted. It's been an intense year, but wow, it's been such a blast. Being too busy has been great in some ways because it's made me evaluate how I'm spending my energy, and there are certain things that just plain aren't worth it. If it means dropping some relationships, sadly, so be it - much like Elphaba sings in"Defying Gravity,"

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try, I'll never know.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost - 

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost! 

I'd sooner buy defying gravity.

Amen and amen! My theme and goal for 2012 is to truly defy gravity - to stop imposing silly limits on myself, being hemmed in and held back by insecurities lacking in any real basis other than falsehoods that got drilled into me over the years by people who should've complimented instead of criticized, myself included. Why I let such negativity seep in over the years, I'll never know - but now that I see it, I can make the future better, and that's what really matters, right?

Anyways... that's my adventure from this year. I can't wait to see the exciting things 2012 will bring!!! 

How about you, friends? Any fun journeys taken or lessons learned in 2011?

In Which I Realize I'm Hopeless

My career has created a monster.

An editing monster.

And it can't be stopped!!!

Tonight I got an email from Utah State with the subject line "TEXTBOOK BUYBACK- GET A ‘STACHE’ OF CASH." My thought process went as follows:

• Ewwwww, all-caps in a subject line. Don't yell at me!
• Ummm, "stache" is short for "mustache" (i.e. my friend Anika's "Respect the 'Stache" blog). Surely they meant STASH.
• And if we're talking about a "stash," a more clever word choice would have been "cache." After all:
• "cache" sounds like "cash"
• it refers to something that's hidden (and usually has the connotation of hidden treasure)
• Utah State is in Logan - which is in Cache Valley
• which means "cache" would have been a BRILLIANT play on words!
• Oh dear. I need to stop.

And thus we see that I need a ginormous red pen with which to edit THE ENTIRE WORLD. 

But, alas, I ought to be content with the things allotted unto me - namely, a career that considers this obsession an asset, not a freakish, OCD liability.

Thankful No. 3: Lifelong Learning

Oh man. I looooooove to learn. LOVE it. Like, pretty much my favorite thing on the planet is acquiring knowledge. It's so cool! There are a million things to learn in this world, and it seems like my curiosity is never satiated. Thankfully this "intellectual curiosity" is an asset, from what I've been told, because I can't help it. I look at a boomerang, and I want to know how the aborigines figured that out. What in its shape makes it return? Oh, and I am SUCH a sucker for historical plaques!!! I want to know what significant thing occurred in that location, and I love thinking about how different those people's lives were way back when (like while in Savannah, contemplating yellow fever epidemics and the Civil War).

I'm so grateful for the opportunities I've had as far as education is concerned. As early as first grade, school was my thing. It was where I felt I could achieve and shine, where I could be stretched beyond my comfort zone and excel. That feeling lasted throughout my undergrad and continues today, not only as I pursue my master's degree but also as I learn in my career. It's fun to improve and expand beyond the familiar.

I love, too, how learning is not limited to an educational institution or the quest for a degree. A tour of Utah State campus last month totally renewed my quest to dig and learn more about things beyond my comfort zone, like astronomy and physics, why things are the way they are. My area of expertise is soooo right-brained and centered on humanities, history, arts, language, etc. Math still doesn't hold a draw, but science sure does. Would I ever get a degree in it? Nope. But will I study on my own to learn about the heavens? You betcha!

30 By 30: Making the End of My 20s Count

So... this post is about two months overdue, but better late than never, right?

Thirty. 

Holy crepe. How on earth am I staring that milestone in the face?! Feels like just yesterday that I was too young to sit in the bar area of restaurants. My 20s have flow by in such a blur, and I can hardly believe they're nearly over!

Then again, when people in my ward barely graduated from high school... and when my friends are all pretty much done birthing their babies... well... the reality of my age catches up to me. And it isn't a bad thing, either. Besides those occasional moments when I want to run screaming down the hall, I'm pretty much okay with owning my almost-30 status.

Still, ending my 20s is no small feat, and I want to do it well. And so, in no particular order, here are 30 things I hope to accomplish in the next 308 days (some of which are already in progress):

1. Become a "True Aggie." Preferably at the hands... er, lips... of someone who isn't some random stranger.
   
   
2. Visit five new states. And since this goes retroactively to my birthday, Georgia counts - so I've got four to go. If Route 66 happens, then I'll knock out Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. I'm also considering a Spring Break trip to Boston, and I could tack on a road trip around New Hampshire, Vermont, and Maine. So stinkin' excited.
   
   
3. Go on 30 dates. Again, if we date this back to my birthday, I've gone on six so far. But I'm really going back to the beginning of 2011, which puts me at 16 so far. I think I can swing 14 dates in 10 months. I hope.
   
   
4. Become my authentic self. Years ago, my friend Kaylynn wrote a blogpost about becoming her authentic self. That post has haunted me ever since! I wondered what that even meant - and what it would feel like to peel off the layers of self-protecting barriers and be completely comfortable in my skin. I'm getting danged close, and it is the most empowering thing ever! I'm not sure that this process ever really ends, but I'd like to make it a high priority. Dr. Brene Brown has some great stuff on this topic, if you're interested.
   
   
5. Attend the temple at least 30 times.
   
   
   And as a part of that, I'm trying to make the Draper temple my temple of choice (Provo's where I usually go - part sentimentality, part habit). I'd love to feel as connected to the Draper temple as I still do to Newport Beach.
   
   
6. Learn to ski. This will be my ninth winter in Utah, and I've never tried skiing. Ridiculous. Time to start!
   
   
7. Drive Route 66. Finally. This is the time!!!
   
   
   
   
8. Go on a cruise with my best friends. Perhaps we can make it a joint "We're all turning 30!" celebration!
   
   
9. Be debt-free. I'm sooooo clooooooose...
   
   
10. Sew what? I have a sewing machine, but that doesn't mean I know how to sew. Unless there's a proficient seamstress nearby to help me with the bobbin and all that nonsense, I'm hopeless. At the very least, I would love to turn the quilt blocks we made for a friendship quilt in my San Clemente singles ward into a bonafide quilt. And finish those baby quilts I started for Primary Children's Hospital in the spring. (Sorry, Caron!!! I know I'm a slacker!!!)
    
    
11. Get at least one really, really good kiss. Like, of the foot-popping variety.
    
    
12. Hike Mt. Washburn.
    
    
    My poor father pushed us to do this when I was 10, and I whined the entire way up... until I realized how awesome it was that I climbed a freakin' mountain, and I skipped the rest of the way down. For years I've been wanting to go back and do this hike in Yellowstone again, sans the whining. And speaking of hiking...
    
    
13. Hike the Y. Since I'm ashamed that I never got around to this as a BYU student.
    
    
14. Hike Timp. I work at the base of this stunningly gorgeous mountain yet have never attempted to climb it. Again, ridiculousness. This must happen.
    
    
15. Read 30 books. Since we're doing the 30 theme. And textbooks totally count, because 30 is a lot! That's three a month from here on out.
    
    
16. Finish the Book of Mormon twice. And one of those times will be by Christmas, thanks to my stake challenge (that I'm woefully and pathetically hundreds of pages behind on... yikes!).
    
    
17. Get starstruck.
    
    
    And no, I'm not talking about celebrities. I've always been fascinated by stars, but I've never taken the time or made the effort to really learn astronomy or even name many constellations. Definitely a goal worth pursuing.
    
    
18. Lose 30 pounds. Again, with the 30 thing. I'd actually like to go beyond that, but I'd be happy with this. Honestly, it's more pragmatic than cosmetic. Everyone says that your metabolism hits a wall at 30. It's going to be a heck of a lot easier to reach my goal and fight to maintain it than to fight to get there after 30.
    
    
19. Make time to WRITE.
    
    
    And I'm not talking blogging or creating content for pay. I'm talking writing from my heart, putting the proverbial pen to paper and telling stories that keep knocking around in my brain. I'm in a writer's group, so that accountability should help. (Thanks, Rachel!)
    
    
20. Just dance. Dancing feeds my soul, and I can tell the difference in my overall life when I'm dancing and not. Same thing for exercise in general, but dance is definitely my workout of choice. There's a killer ballet-fitness class in Lehi I went to a few times and LOVE - again, just gotta make it a priority. I need to be dancing at least once a week, whether it's a class or just a rock-out session in my bedroom.
    
    
21. Sing, sing, sing. Along the same lines, singing and music bring more joy to my heart than just about anything else. So I'm planning to start voice lessons in January - already have an amazing teacher lined up, soooo excited!!! - and I'd like to get my voice beyond the awesome shape it was in while in OCMCO (which was the peak of my personal vocal performance as far as technique and timbre go).
    
    
22. Put my clothes away in the closet, not on the floor. Harder than it sounds, people. Harder than it sounds.
    
    
23. Reinstate "Christa Dates." I know it sounds so New Age-y, but there's sooooo much value in getting time alone to ponder and just breathe sans pressure or company. In college, I was good about setting aside Friday nights for me time, but these days it's rare. In fact, I blame my snoozing addiction on this. That quiet time before I'm out of bed seems to be the only time I get to myself all day, but indulging in snoozing just makes me start the day rushed. Quality alone time should supplant the snooze. In fact...
    
    
24. Stop snoozing. See above. Addictive! And speaking of addictions...
    
    
25. Give up the Diet Pepsi once and for all. And that goes for all soda, caffeinated or not. Why must flavored, carbonated chemicals be so tasty (but so unhealthy)?! WHY?! Curse you, soda!
    
    
26. Write in my journal weekly. Or at least a few times a month. I tend to blog more than journal, but I also filter what goes on the blog (shocking, right?). So there's a lot of real stuff that doesn't get recorded that should. Although my journals do make for an entertaining read of my dating history, since I somehow manage to get that written down every time. *sigh* Ridiculous girl.
    
    
27. Learn to poach an egg.
    
    
    Eggs Benedict is sooooo my favorite breakfast EVER, largely because of the buttery goodness of the poached egg. However, that's one cooking technique that intimidates me like no other. I've conquered my abject fear of pie crusts (thanks, Mishy!!!) - it's time to take on the poached egg.
    
    
28. Make the most of my commute. I loooooove music, so I'd much rather tune out to some tunes on the drive home than listen to spoken word. However, I'm spending at least 5-10 hours in my car each week. Just think of all the spiritual nourishment I could digest if I spent at least a few of those drives listening to BYU devotionals, General Conference talks, etc.?!
    
    
29. Run a 5K. And I mean actually run it this time. None of that sissy walking because I woke up on race day with legs made of cement. I still hate running, but I can appreciate its health benefits. And maybe if I persist at it, I'll actually grow to love it.
    
    
30. Channel my inner Annie Oakley.
    
    
    I'd love to be the kind of woman who is as proficient on the shooting range as she is in the kitchen. Gotta know how to protect myself, after all. The zombies might really come!!!
    

Whew! Do I ever have my work cut out for me or what?! Should be a fun year, though. And if anyone wants to join me on some of these goals (i.e. traveling, hiking, shooting, running, dancing, etc.), let me know!

In Which I Ponder a Ph.D.

"You really should consider comms studies," Dr. Pratte insisted.

All communications majors at BYU were required to take Comms 300: History of Communications, which involved a major research project. For what it was worth, my study of the changing perception of the American family as captured on the cover of TV Guide from the 1950s to the present (2001) caught the soon-to-retire professor's eye. I chalked it up to my being an American Studies major, trained to think outside the box and draw cultural connections. Dr. Pratte saw it as proof of a communications scholar - and from then on, he spent the rest of the semester trying to convince me to follow a research track that would take me into deeper levels of academia. He even had me present my paper at a conference - the only undergrad in the lineup, and a mere sophomore at that.

But there was no practical application for the communications studies emphasis. The only door you had after graduating was more school - and I had noooooo desire to get a master's degree! I just wanted my bachelor's. And my Mrs. Mostly the Mrs., really, but the pragmatist in me was also wise enough to know that whatever I graduated in needed the potential to pay the bills.

The only potential result of comms studies was more bills - so I stuck with print journalism. Which is ironic, really, considering its paltry ability to pay the bills... but that's a discussion for another day. 

Here I sit, a decade later, mulling over that conversation. Maybe Dr. Pratte was onto something. Maybe he saw something in my 19-year-old self that I couldn't see. 

Because now my 29-year-old self, in her first semester of grad school, has a Ph.D.-worthy research project idea that simply won't leave this overextended, already-all-over-the-place brain.

Lately I can't stop thinking about connection - particularly, as one song in the musical Rent puts it, "connection in an isolating age." These days we are more connected than ever before through digital means - and yet, we're more isolated and disconnected from one another. And we, as human beings, are wired for connection. We crave it. We need it to function. And too few of us are getting the quality and quantity needed to nurture our souls.

While the blame could be placed on those electronic means, I argue that the means are amoral tools - they exist not as agents but to be acted upon. They're tools, capable of good and evil. Their morality depends wholly upon their employment - and so, therefore, the burden of responsibility is on the user as well as on the designer of the methods.

I would looooooove nothing more than to delve into the psychology of interpersonal connection, the psychology of the brain's engagement with various electronic platforms, and then look at how those platforms could be altered in a way that fosters true interpersonal connection while mitigating the negative effects inherent in the electronic engagement.

Yes, this is the stuff that keeps me up at night.

But where can I find the time to get into it? And with what application or access? While researching a paper for my Utah State class that's due this week, I ended up downloading well over a dozen journal articles that look at psychology and social media. I want to study and analyze them - but with what time? My plate is so filled to the brim, I basically can only focus on whatever the next burning fire is, whatever deadline's slapping me in the face.

My research will have to wait. I can only juggle so much, and right now my focus is nurturing and building my career. Well, that, and finally attaining my Mrs. - in which case that would become my focus. I don't really see where a Ph.D. fits into the picture. All I can handle for now is slogging through my MS, one class at a time.

But that doesn't mean the idea is going to stop haunting me.

As I've learned (with help from Elizabeth Gilbert's TED presentation), when the Muse strikes, I have little choice but to listen - or to be haunted by knowing that I let a good idea pass by unrealized. That's why I end up blogging not one but two posts in one night when I really need to be writing a paper due the next day - it's like I have to clear those ideas out of the queue in order to move on with my life.

This one, though? There'll be no clearing it out for years, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it presently. But one thing is for certain:

I want a Ph.D.,

which thing I never had supposed.

Letting Go and Grasping "That Good Part"

I have a paper due tomorrow - the first school paper I've had to write in, oh, seven-ish years. So here I sit, sipping a caramel apple cider float (Seriously. OBSESSED. You must try, friends!), listening to this wonderfulness, and blogging. Naturally.

You call it procrastination, I call it much-needed "negative time."

Lately it feels like all I do is work - at my job, at school, at my side projects, at my calling, at self-improvement. Coming from a family of workaholics, it's not hard for me to feel this constant need to work, especially when my to-do list never seems to end. After all, as I've written before, work has a wonderful spiritual dimension that expands our souls as it strengthens us and expands our capacities, stretching us to new heights.

But sometimes... we need to stop. Seriously.

There is a point at which being "anxiously engaged in a good cause" gives way to "run[ning] faster than [we have] strength," which we're told is beyond the realm of doing all things with wisdom and order, and I feel like I've reached that point. Even the fun things like playing with friends, dating, and traveling have somehow shifted into feeling like more work, and that simply is not acceptable.

After all, Christ made time to draw away from the crowds and refocus. He chided Martha for being so "cumbered about much serving" that she failed to choose "that good part" and drink deeply from Living Waters at the Savior's feet while she had the opportunity. The Prophet Joseph Smith was advised to "not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided... but be diligent unto the end." Even Elder Richard G. Scott gave a wonderful example in April 2011's General Conference about how his wife urged him to play in the fall leaves with his young children instead of fixing their broken washing machine.

There will forever be things that need doing. There will never be the opportunity to go back, however, and to change those crucial interpersonal moments that get lost in the shuffle. A quote I heard in church earlier this summer has become words I've tried to live by ever since:

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.

(And sometimes that person deserving love is ourselves.)

In order to give that all-important love, we need water in our well from which to draw. We've even been commanded to "be not weary in well doing." I think that goes beyond not getting sick of doing good things. We also need to avoid getting sick from doing too much "well doing" at the expense of our hearts and sanity.

Lately I feel like I've just been present - and that's about as good as it gets. My recent trip to Denver was lovely, but I felt like such a zombie!!! I can get away with that with close friends, but with new people (more specifically, with these awesome guys who have asked me out of late), it simply doesn't cut it. I feel like with each date I've gone on in the last several months - since my play started in the spring, really - I've felt like

even if I looked more like

And that honestly goes for at least a dozen dates this year. How unfortunate! I just load up on caffeine, put on a smile, and do my best to be engaged and interesting when, really, I could fall asleep any minute. An exhausted shadow of the awesome person I can be is hardly the impression I want to leave.

The upside to the craziness is that it's caused me to really reevaluate my priorities, to find what I can trim and to let things go in their season. I've honed in on energy-zapping relationships and said that basically it gets better, or we don't have a relationship. (Most empowering thing ever!) I simply don't have the energy to waste on that anymore. I'm a less anxious dater now because I don't have the time to spend fretting about what his interest level is. I know if I'm interested or not, and either way, whatever happens isn't a reflection on my worth or value. Sometimes the chemistry doesn't ignite. No use worrying about it. Things happen or they don't - and what's right to happen will happen eventually.

Best of all, I'm learning to let go of the concept of being perfect. Honest to goodness, one of my Thirty, Flirty and Thriving goals was to strive for perfection by 30. Sure, I'd say, I know perfection isn't actually attainable... but let's be honest. I really did want to get as close to it as possible. But now, I'm embracing the gifts of imperfection and vulnerability, seeing the wisdom and order in just being good enough and doing my best. It may not be perfect, but it's all I can give.

After all, that's why we have a Savior - to bridge the gaps where we fall short, not only in terms of sin and sickness but in everyday shortcomings.

And it's beautiful to let go and embrace "good enough." All these things I do aren't who I am, after all. It's important to be engaged, but it's also important to not get so depleted that there's nothing left to give.

So for now, I'm going to read this (and listen to) this BYU devotional by Elder Neal A. Maxwell over and over and over again until it sinks in. And I'll keep diligently doing my best, but I'll also work on refilling my bucket so I can get back to the main purpose we're here on this planet:

"Adam fell that man might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

Bleeding Blue

In high school, I was a:

Then I went off to college to be come a:

And now I'm in grad school as a:

Guess I've got a thing for schools with blue as a color, huh?

Tonight my Cougars square off against the my Aggies. Talk about split loyalties! Either way, my school wins... and either way, my school loses. I'm still a diehard Cougar fan - but when I think of all the money I'm chucking at Utah State for the privilege of being a matriculated scholar on her way to a Masters... well... I'm reticent to smack-talk my own school. So...

Goooooo, Aggies!!!

Goooooo, Cougars!!!

May the best team win tonight!