Weakness in Strength

You know the old adage, "When I am weak, then am I strong"?

Well... I've learned this week that the opposite is true:

When I think I'm so strong I don't need others... then am I weak.

In general, I don't rank pride atop my list of struggles or weaknesses. I think I'm a fairly humble, meek, teachable person...

... until I need help. It doesn't matter what the help is, really, either. Help with painting my condo or moving or even hosting a party. Someone to take care of me when I'm so rundown and exhausted, I accidentally starve myself for a week and go into diabetic shock. (Yep, that happened.) A hug and shoulder on which to cry while mourning my grandmother's death. Asking for the help I need is almost impossible. Somehow I think I should be able to do everything on my own, and if not, I'm failing.

That, my friends, is its own form of pride. And the last year - especially the last week - has compelled me to humility on that front.

I just like to tread lightly, I tell myself. Other people are busy enough. I don't want to make demands on their time and emotions. We're not close enough of friends that I can crumble in front of them. No one likes an emotional mess, right?

And, worst of all, I don't know how to be anything but strong. Even when I'm not, and when being strong is the last thing in the world I want to be.

So I'll admit it. Losing my grandmother is absolutely devastating. And while I genuinely felt so much support and comfort that first day, I also was at a total loss of how to react, and almost a week later, I'm still totally lost. There's no instruction manual for losing your sole earthly source of unconditional strength and support. I've been emotionally self-sufficient since the bottom fell out on my family when I was 13 and didn't have anyone to lean on - except for my grandmothers. Over the years I've built a phenomenal support system of friends, but my grandmothers had been there my whole life, and I felt like I could claim and expect their support. When Gram died a decade ago, I just rolled that closeness and emotional connection over to Grandma Doris. Without her, I feel so lost. Who do I have now? Add to that an additional 10 years with Grandma Doris in which we made that transition to an adult friendship filled with so many fun moments and important common bonds like temple attendance, and... wow. I still can't quite let myself "go there" and feel the shock because I worry I won't be able to pull out of the grief, especially with the full plate in front of me from now until after the funeral. And there's no one who I feel like I can ask to hold my hand through that journey, either, even as I'm getting more offers for help than I know what to do with. My family is soooooo "suck it up and deal" that I can't recognize when I need to stop going it alone - a not-so-good trait I inherited from Grandma. It is incredibly difficult for me to let go and let others take care of me, even when that's what I want and need.

I keep thinking about when I climbed Mt. Washburn this summer, something I proudly did alone. A few groups of fellow hikers invited me to join them along the trail, and while I did chat with them briefly, I always changed my pace to get back to doing my own thing. It was something I'd been wanting to conquer for decades, and I just felt like I needed to do it solo. But was I truly without help? Nope. California girl that I am forgot to bring a jacket, and mountains get cold, so Grandma sent me off with her windbreaker. And I'd forgotten my sunglasses at the office before heading to Yellowstone for the weekend, but my friend had forgotten his shades in my car a couple weeks earlier, so it was his sunglasses shielding my eyes. And that was actually a total blessing, because his were far better geared for athletic feats than my cheapy wayfarers. Most importantly, at the summit I discovered that the hikers before and after me all saw bears along the trail. Plural. I didn't see a single one, although I did notice their tracks on my way back down. Later I learned that Mt. Washburn is the one hike in Yellowstone notorious for bears... and I sure didn't have bear spray. But I had a Heavenly Father watching my back, even as I stubbornly tried to climb alone.

Well... lesson learned. Even though she's gone, Grandma is the voice in my head, and her love fills my heart. She can't give me her windbreaker when I forget my own anymore, but I can draw from her love forever. And there will always be friends there to lend their proverbial sunglasses to help me if I'm willing to take them up on it. The sunglasses wouldn't have helped unless I put them on my face, and my friends can't help me unless I let them in and take them up on their offerings of support. And again, most importantly, I have a loving Heavenly Father to protect me from dangers both seen and unseen. He wouldn't leave me without the resources needed to succeed and thrive in life. Here's to the next stage of life's climb: learning to lean on the love in my life and climb with the amazing company that surrounds me.

Through Heaven's Eyes

"If a man lose ev'rything he owns, has he truly lost his worth? Or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth?"


Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see our lives through Heaven's eyes? That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and when the song from The Prince of Egypt popped up on my iTunes, I felt like I really should share it. I've been filled with introspection lately, both of growth within the past year and in reevaluating conclusions drawn about earlier situations in my life, and it's caused me to appreciate so deeply the path my entire 30 years have taken, heartbreaks especially included. I love looking back and seeing how much God's hand has been in the details of my life, even though I've been at a loss to make sense of what was going on in the moment, whether it was moving back to California for high school (which, at the time, seemed like an absolute death sentence!!!) or the series of events that led me to move back to Utah three years ago, something I'd SWORN I'd never do.

As Marilyn Monroe once wisely said, "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together." That pretty much sums up the last year of my life. The most vital characteristics and virtues we need in life are shaped only through fiery trials, and while they're awful in the moment, the growth that comes out of it makes all the blood, sweat, and tears worthwhile. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 So, enjoy. I know that while we only see what's ahead of us, God truly is involved in the details of our lives, and we have to TRUST Him with everything in us that things can and will work out when the timing is right. What He has in store for us is so, so, so much greater than anything we could possibly imagine - and living life from a place of abundance rather than scarcity is a simply glorious way to be!

Through Heaven's Eyes

 A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

I Can Do Hard Things

Picture snagged from Sweet Coconut Lime

Imagine limping your whole life on a poorly mended broken bone. The break came so early in life that you don't really remember walking differently. You don't notice it that much, really, until you try to leap and run and dance like your peers - but just plain can't. Finally, you hit the point where you refuse to be held back any longer, but the only way to heal it is to endure the painful process of rebreaking it, resetting it, and then working through physical therapy to rebuild strength. The process is arduous, unglamorous, frustrating, and exhausting - but it's that, or limp forever.

I'd rather leap than limp, even if it means being broken in the short term.

Since the fall, I've been working with an EMDR specialist to clear out the pain of my past, which is what I'd referred to in my last post. In so many ways, it's been AMAZING - I've had so many powerful "Aha!" moments that have brought phenomenal insight and empowerment. But at the same time, it's the hardest thing in the world to unleash the most painful moments and emotions that have been under lock and key for a lifetime - and stare them in the face. It is testing my strength in every way imaginable, and balancing all of that with my usual life of work, grad school, freelance, dating, friendships, church responsibilities, etc. has taken its toll. I am just plain burned out.

Apparently, so is my thyroid. Again. For the last decade, I've had Hashimoto's thyroiditis. It really hasn't been a big deal - just pop a pill in the morning, and I'm fine. But (not coincidentally - thank you, body/mind/spirit connection) as I've launched into working through things, the symptoms have crept back. I started noticing little random things, like the layers of my fingernails splitting and breaking, my hands being freezing cold (which I never noticed until the guy holding them commented on it repeatedly - cold hands, warm heart?), muscles in my legs and feet cramping up out of nowhere. But it wasn't until last week, when walking a 5K left me wiped out in bed all day, that I realized something was really wrong. And then everything added up.

Here's hoping the thyroid's the culprit, because it's easier to deal with a known evil than an unknown one. I've had it managed for 10 years, so I'm sure I can get it back to normal. Even so, it's scary and frustrating to physically not be able to do what I'd like. I just plain don't have the energy, and when it's gone, it's gone. For someone who's M.O. is to go, go, go, it's killer.

For the last several months, in the midst of all of this, I've pondered the idea of glorying in tribulations. I've spent a lot of scripture study looking at verses about trials, tribulations, and the blessings that follow those who faithfully endure. To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement, but the thought that keeps coming back to me over and over again is  "I can do hard things" - and, most importantly, I don't have to do them alone. In the strength of the Lord, through the enabling power of Christ's grace, I can do that which I could not do otherwise. Only He knows fully what's going on; only He fully understands anyway. His love is unconditional, and He knows my capacity better than I do. In my most heartbroken moment, all I could think was "Wow, God must trust me more than I trust myself to get through this!" The only way I can get through what lies ahead is to lean on the strength of the Lord and to trust in His infinite wisdom and strength.

Time and time again, I've come back to the Lord's promise in Ether 12:27:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

I'm experiencing the reality of this verse in powerful ways. There's something amazing about being okay with weakness when it's a stepping stone to strength.  I've never felt more humbled to the core as my barriers and walls have come tumbling down, and I've never been more keenly and painfully aware of my weaknesses and failings - and yet, I've never felt more empowered, really tapping into the strength of the Lord. This journey is one in which I can't reach out to any person in my life - it's too personal and hard to explain. But I can turn to the Lord with this broken heart and contrite spirit, and I trust in His power to make these weaknesses into strengths.

It's going to be an interesting summer, to say the least. At this point, I feel like making it to 30 with my mind, heart, and body in tact will be an accomplishment in and of itself!!! But without a doubt, I know that I'll come through this a better, stronger, wiser woman, more fit to be the wife and mother I dream of becoming someday (hopefully soon). Pretty much can't think of a better gift to myself and my posterity than that!

A Different Kind of Marriage Protest

Heather posted this hilarious, award-winning marriage-protest spoof, and I just had to share it. Does the protestor look familiar?



(Yep, the "protestor" is the brilliant Ryan Simmons - we were at BYU at the same time, and while I didn't know him, I knew of him through friends and thoroughly enjoyed his antics at the Playmill Theatre. Kid's got SERIOUS talent!!!)

I guess this won the New York, NY Stake Film Festival (only in NYC or LA could you actually have a stake film festival!) - and I definitely see why. This is the first Prop. 8 satire that's gotten me laughing!

The Mormon Conspiracy?

I found this clip through Meridian Magazine and thought it was such a classic Michael Medved response. What a great guy!!!

A little backstory, but I interned with Michael in 2003 - he's the reason I spent a summer in Seattle. What an amazing experience it was! Anyways, I hope that I contributed to his positive impression of Latter-day Saints. We talked about the gospel just about every time we had a conversation - even over dinner when I was a guest in his home for Shavout, a Jewish holiday. Michael even wished everyone a happy Pioneer Day on July 24th that year!

So, this clip gives me warm fuzzies, especially in the midst of all this anti-Prop. 8 hate. It's true that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourages its members to be active citizens, not only in politics but in humanitarian service to our fellow man.

That's definitely a conspiracy the world needs more of!

Religion and America: A Prop. 8 History Lesson

During my days at BYU, I TA'ed for American Heritage, a US history / political science / economics / current events GE, for three years, so between taking it once and then teaching it six times, I've pretty much got the class indelibly drilled into me forever.

One of the things that we discussed was the widening circle of rights, and how eventually, if you stretch those circles far enough, one person's right will inevitably butt up against another's. It's precisely what's happening right now!

It is absolutely harrowing to me to see that what my professors said was down the road is right before my eyes.

And for those of you who hated on American Heritage... well, I told you so! ;)

It was probably the most important class we took in college, regardless of major. People just don't know their history! They don't know what they're talking about! I'm so sick of hearing about a "Constitutional right" to marry. So I sat down last night and reread the Constitution, something I think every American should do from time to time. Most of it is about how the government is set up to function, until you get to the Bill of Rights, or the first 10 amendments. Let's review the First Amendment, shall we?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

I think it's worth noting that the original wording of the First Amendment proposed by the Senate on March 9, 1789, is that "Congress shall not make any law establishing any religious denomination." The second version stated "Congress shall make no law establishing any particular denomination." Notice the nuanced difference. For the Founders, the terms "religion" and "denomination" are interchangeable. As a writer, I can appreciate why they would leave one and not both. It would have been redundant in their eyes to have both!

Fisher Ames, the Founding Father who offered the version we now know as the First Amendment, wrote in an 1801 magazine article that he was concerned that the Bible might eventually take a backseat in the classroom: "Why then, if these new books for children must be retained, as they will be, should not the Bible regain the place it once held as a school book?"

And he's the one who finalized that Congress shall not make a ruling on religion!

I respect the protestors' First Amendment rights to free speech and assembly - but their argument should be directed to the government, not the Church. And even then, the people. voted. twice. on. this. Against every odd they stacked against us. Their reaction is so irrational!

Now, an oft-ignored fact by those who shout about a "separation of church and state" is that, first of all, that phrase is NOWHERE to be found in any of our Founding documents. The concept came from the personal writings of Thomas Jefferson, in an 1802 letter to the Danbury Baptist Association, a group that constituted a religious minority in Connecticut:

Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.

The place where religion is addressed explicitly in the Constitution is in the last clause of Article IV of the Constitution, which stipulates that "No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."

As Dr. Frank Fox (my academic idol!) wrote:

While a few of the Framers were religious skeptics, most were committed churchmen - and even the skeptics appreciated religion's power to promote civic virtue. The question was, how to bring such power to bear? Some delegates argued for a mild religious test, requiring officeholders to embrace mainstream Christianity.

Experience had shown, however, that religious tests, however mild, had the effect of cementing an official tie between church and state. Several of the Framers regarded such a tie as desirable. No republican society, they argued, could succeed without some official religion. But most of the delegates took the opposite view. Official religion worked two kinds of mischief, they said. It opened the way for the official church to corrupt the political system, and conversely opened the way for the political system to corrupt the official church. Those delegates representing states where a religious establishment still persisted could testify to the baneful effects.

By prohibiting a religious test, the Framers aimed not to destroy the influence of religion on politics but to purify it. The theory went something like this. All believers, now lacking any official capacity, were welcome to exert their influence on govermnet in any way they saw fit - just as any citizens were. And since no denomination stood to gain by the way of patronage, the motives of all must be relatively pure. The only real message a church might have under the Constitution would be to urge integrity, responsibility and a sacralized civic virtue.

And thus we see that the Founding Fathers merely wanted to keep America from facing the issues of a state religion that they had seen in England. They were not men against religion. Some were more devout than others, but that isn't to say they were all secular men, as is so often taught in schools these days. One has only to read George Washington's farewell address to see his view of the importance of religion in America:

Of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports. In vain would that man claim the tribute of patriotism, who should labor to subvert these great pillars of human happiness, these firmest props of the duties of men and citizens. The mere politician, equally with the pious man, ought to respect and to cherish them. A volume could not trace all their connections with private and public felicity. Let it simply be asked: Where is the security for property, for reputation, for life, if the sense of religious obligation desert the oaths which are the instruments of investigation in courts of justice ? And let us with caution indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion. Whatever may be conceded to the influence of refined education on minds of peculiar structure, reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle.

There is much more I could say on the issue, but I'll end with that for today.

Well, one more thought.

Do you know what the first public school law was in America?

"The Old Deluder Satan Act," passed in 1642. It began "It being one chief project of that old deluder, Satan, to keep men from the knowledge of the scriptures, as in former times..."

I'm just sayin'.

Preserving Marriage for California's Future

Please check out this new blog my friends and I are writing in support of Prop. 8, Preserving Marriage for California's Future.

With this blog, I hope to correct misinformation and spread the word on why it's important to support the California Marriage Amendment.

Deciding to support Prop. 8 wholeheartedly wasn't an immediate and easy decision for me - one of my best friends is gay, and we've had many conversations over the last year about our mutual desire to settle down and raise families. I still want that every bit as much for him - I don't feel that a Yes vote on Prop. 8 and that desire are mutually exclusive, either.

Prop. 8 is a 14-word definition that limits marriage as between a man and a woman in California. It has no effect on same-sex couples' rights as outlined in Section 297.5 of the Family Code (which give them the "same rights, protections and benefits" as married spouses).

• At first glance, this might not seem like a big deal either way, but I feel that more individual rights will be lost if the marriage definition expands, and here's why:
• Marriage is an integral part of the public education curriculum - if Prop. 8 fails, educators will be mandated to teach same-sex marriage without distinguishing it from traditional marriage, and this conflicts with parents who want to teach their children otherwise, based on long-held Judeo-Christian values.
• Churches that don't support same-sex marriage would risk losing their rights, including tax-exempt status.
• Even defining heterosexual marriage as "traditional" is considered hate speech for California state employees already.
• Doctors will be forced to perform artificial insemination for same-sex couples despite their personal beliefs and values - even if other doctors are willing instead - or face lawsuits (which has already happened).
• Faith-based adoption agencies that refuse to place children with same-sex couples will have to shut down (which happened in Massachusetts).

Please take the time to study out this issue, whether or not you're a California voter. California is a trend-setting state, so this election's outcome will have a ripple effect. Please read up on it. Comment on the numerous blogs and news articles out there. Talk to the Californians in your life. If you're a Californian at school, be sure to register to vote absentee.

Beyond all of the sociopolitical ramifications, I feel that marriage is an institution ordained of God wherein a man and woman can raise a family. Gender is an essential part of that plan - men and women are soooo different, children need both examples to be whole. I understand that there are divorces - remember, I grew up the product of one! - but even so, I've learned distinct lessons in masculinity and feminity from my parents and stepparents in ways that can only be learned within that family structure.

Changing the definition of that basic marital relationship will have far-reaching effects - please don't fail to think these out.