Gearing Up for Grandeur

How would you change your day-to-day life if everything you've dreamed of is just around the corner?

This is a thought that I've been chewing on a lot lately. After the blood, sweat, and tears of the last two years, including the aforementioned "physical therapy" phase, I'm finally able to breathe again and to enjoy the sweetness and magnificence that is my life—and with newly gained compassion, patience, insight, and wisdom.

And wonderfully sweet, exciting adventures lie so close in store, I can brush them with my fingertips!

But I've also had a jarring, eye-opening realization in the last week: what does it MEAN if these long-awaited blessings are just around the corner? Am I ready?

In my heart of hearts, I know that my life's on the brink of major, major changes once more. Remember how I felt this... and then this happened? (And events unfolded to make my life infinitely better than anything I could've imagined or realized?) I've gone through enough rounds of this to recognize the pattern.

Which means it's time to work with a laser-like focus on making weak things become strong.

Last week I read this Psychology Today article that examined why/how "bright girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up—and the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses... [because] more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice."

Sigh.

This article hit me profoundly because that is the story of my life! I've always been very, very bright—and, ultimately, it's been detrimental. I have limited myself SO much by not pushing past the limits of my comfort zone and only playing to my strengths. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I just avoid it or brush it off: "I'm just terrible at sports." "I can't do math to save my life."

My eyes are so painfully opened and aware of my weaknesses that I've ignored for this very reason. There are certain things that I've just given into, more or less—knowing I could do better but settling for this complacent mediocrity because, to some degree, I guess I don't believe I can do it. Sad, sad, sad.

Thankfully, the article goes on to discuss what is my new goal: "No matter the ability—whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism—studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Examples abound of friends who have persevered over major obstacles to achieve great things, or who push past their disdain of the work to enjoy the result that work inevitably brings, whether it be running or school work or health issues.

If they can do it, I can too.
Right? In theory?

So, here's to sucking it up, buckling down, and working on becoming amazing. Or, as Sara Bareilles puts it, being BRAVE.

Happy People Are Successful People

This TEDxBloomington talk is completely and totally FASCINATING. Take the 12+ minutes to listen to it:


Did you know it's a proven fact that your brain is 31% more productive when it's happy?

And it's something you can learn. If you can learn to be positive in the present, then you're able to work even better. As your brain floods with dopamine, things fire better, and voila! Success.

So, here are five action items that, if done for a few minutes every day, will lead to a happier, more productive, more successful you:

• Practice gratitude--specifically, find three new things for which you are grateful
• Write in a journal
• Exercise
• Spend time meditating
• Perform random acts of kindness

I haven't quite mastered all of these, but I do know that as I've incorporated more of these into my daily life recently, the effect is amazing! I truly am so radiantly happy and feel like I can conquer the world when I choose to view things through a positive lens. It's not always easy. Today I got the rug pulled out from under me, so to speak, with the unanticipated consequence to what I thought was a good decision, and it's definitely crushing. But... I still trust in the well-pondered decision, regardless the outcome, and while I could--and, admittedly, have--stressed and second-guessed because of the unexpected results, I'm trying to instead focus on the learning process gained by the experience and to trust that good things will play out in the long run. 

How happy we are really, truly, completely is our own choice. It's a matter of the lens we choose to view life through, and a happy, positive one always leads to a better outcome!

Through Heaven's Eyes

"If a man lose ev'rything he owns, has he truly lost his worth? Or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth?"


Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see our lives through Heaven's eyes? That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and when the song from The Prince of Egypt popped up on my iTunes, I felt like I really should share it. I've been filled with introspection lately, both of growth within the past year and in reevaluating conclusions drawn about earlier situations in my life, and it's caused me to appreciate so deeply the path my entire 30 years have taken, heartbreaks especially included. I love looking back and seeing how much God's hand has been in the details of my life, even though I've been at a loss to make sense of what was going on in the moment, whether it was moving back to California for high school (which, at the time, seemed like an absolute death sentence!!!) or the series of events that led me to move back to Utah three years ago, something I'd SWORN I'd never do.

As Marilyn Monroe once wisely said, "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together." That pretty much sums up the last year of my life. The most vital characteristics and virtues we need in life are shaped only through fiery trials, and while they're awful in the moment, the growth that comes out of it makes all the blood, sweat, and tears worthwhile. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 So, enjoy. I know that while we only see what's ahead of us, God truly is involved in the details of our lives, and we have to TRUST Him with everything in us that things can and will work out when the timing is right. What He has in store for us is so, so, so much greater than anything we could possibly imagine - and living life from a place of abundance rather than scarcity is a simply glorious way to be!

Through Heaven's Eyes

 A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

Grasping for Gratitude

Get it on Etsy here

Confession: Coming into November, the plethora of daily thankful posts on Facebook made me cringe. And roll my eyes.

Thankful? I thought, filled with grump and vinegar. Are you kidding me?! This has been the WORST year of my life. Heartbreaking family fallings-out, a disappointing relationship, health problems, watching a dear one's health speedily decline, and, on top of it all, moving into the Orem condo rental version of The Money Pit.

Needless to say, 2012 is a year I'll be happy to see come to an end.

But, honestly, I repent of that formerly shortsighted attitude. I have an amazing life, filled with wonderful blessings for which I am indeed grateful. And, admittedly, it seems like the best growth comes through the worst trials, and I will be closing out 2012 a far better woman than when I began it.

So, without further adieu, let me count my blessings:

• The gospel of Jesus Christ--I don't know where I would be without it! So grateful for the knowledge that Christ lives, that He died to save me from sins and sorrows, and that God is involved in the details of our lives. I'm also immensely grateful for the impressions and promptings that empower me to serve others or that give me a heads up which spares me from heartache down the road.
• Phenomenal friends--Seriously, I have the BEST friends in the world!!! It's funny; I honestly didn't have good friends until middle school, but I think all of those years spent without them has helped me make and keep wonderful friends because I never take them for granted. It's such a blessing to have so many of my nearest and dearest friends within an hour's drive, too--friends from high school, college, Orange County, and new ones from the last few years. It's even more fun seeing them all mix and mingle!
• Perspective--This year has led to a LOT of deep thinking, processing, and pondering. I love how we can see things more clearly with some distance, and I hope that I can parlay that perspective into better, wiser decisions and more selfless, aware actions in the future.
• Discovering new talents and hobbies--The good news? I learned how to make Grandma's delicious candies. The bad news? Ummm... I know how to make the candies that I got once a year as a treat... and now I can make them whenever. This could be DANGEROUS, folks!
• Music--Pretty sure there are few things I love more deeply than music, whether it's listening to the Utah Symphony play Rhapsody in Blue at Abravanel Hall, singing gorgeously arranged Christmas music with the Mapleton Chorale, discovering a new band in Provo's surprisingly awesome local music scene (from whence sprang Neon Trees and Imagine Dragons, I'll have you know!), or catching an impromptu jam session at sunset in Washington Square. Music has the most amazing ability to express and translate emotions and energy where words fall flat. I will be forever grateful that I was raised in a home where music was at the heart, and I hope I can share that passion as long as I live!
• Art in all its forms--Art is amazing!!! I love how people can capture the essence and beauty of life, translated into whatever medium they choose--film, canvas, stage, written page, and even culinary arts. Spending time in New York City last month was such a treat because we spent so much time steeped in the finest art America has to offer, from the Metropolitan Museum of Art's American Wing (which, yes, made my eyes get misty, I was so touched and overwhelmed to stand in such greatness!!!) and the MoMA to three Broadway shows, each so different from the others. It makes my heart sing!
• The ability to indulge my wanderlust--Speaking of NYC... I'm so grateful I've had the opportunity to travel so much in the last few years. It's been incredible!!! I average a trip for just about every month I've lived in Utah. Excessive? Perhaps. But I also know that as soon as I marry, it'll stop--my life and time will be for my family, and I wouldn't want to wander from home too far or often. But as long as I'm footloose and fancy free, I'll keep bouncing around from coast to coast: Seattle (x2), San Francisco, Denver (x4), Savannah and Atlanta, Southern California (x10+?), Island Park (too many times to count!), the Tetons, Capitol Reef, Glacier, Banff, Calgary, New York City, Washington D.C. (x2), Little Rock, Memphis and Nashville, North Carolina, Mount Vernon, Williamsburg--I've covered some serious distance in the last few years!!!
• My darling condo--Yes, even though it's been a headache to bring up to par, leading to some heated text-versations with my landlord... I absolutely adore my place!!! And not just because it's all my style or spacious for my things, but because it is my home. It feels beyond wonderful to have a place I can call that!
• My job--It has been the greatest blessing in my life these past few years!!! Words fall short to express just how grateful I am for it, especially considering how tenuous my career was in California. Property insurance software certainly wasn't what I envisioned as my life's work, but it's interesting, and I adore the people, the paycheck, and the values and focus of my company. Here's to more wonderful years ahead!
• My grandmother--Funny how knowing her time on this earth is waning makes me appreciate and value every moment with her all the more. Grandma Doris has been the familial foundation in my life, the constant source of unconditional love (albeit tough love at times) and the best example of selfless service and kindness I've ever seen. She'd give you the shirt off her back--my shoe collection can attest to that (we're the same size, and she's given me shoes when I've forgotten to bring more than flipflops in the rain many a time!). She's a truly amazing woman, and if I live to be a fraction of the woman she is, I will consider my life a success.
• Roots and wings in Utah Valley--I never, ever, ever wanted to end up here. And yet? I love it. I really, truly, honestly do... much as it pains me to admit that. :P Silly California girl pride! Provo has never been anything but good for my soul, from my life-changing 8th grade year at Farrer Middle School to four and a half glorious years as a BYU student to the last three years as a professional. It's funny how the lives overlap--visiting a current friend who lives around the corner from my 1996 home (or, heck, going to my friend Melody's a few weeks ago, only to realize she lives in my old house from summer 2004!!!), or going to classic movie screenings at the BYU library and walking down the stairs on which I sat and had my first post-college job interview, a phone call for a job at The Orange County Register while I was studying for my last set of finals. It may not be as glamorous as reporting about Laguna Beach or doing PR for Toshiba, but it fits well, and I am so, so, so happy here, it's a lil' bit ridiculous. Even with the snow.

Above all, I am deeply and profoundly grateful for my life, and that it didn't turn out as I wanted it to. The plan I had for myself wasn't nearly as amazing as the one God had in store for me. These last 12 1/2 years of adulthood have been filled with so many unanticipated adventures, both happy and heartbreaking, but I wouldn't trade any. Each provided experience that has shaped me into who I am today, and I can't wait to see what's in store in the years to come!

I Can Do Hard Things

Picture snagged from Sweet Coconut Lime

Imagine limping your whole life on a poorly mended broken bone. The break came so early in life that you don't really remember walking differently. You don't notice it that much, really, until you try to leap and run and dance like your peers - but just plain can't. Finally, you hit the point where you refuse to be held back any longer, but the only way to heal it is to endure the painful process of rebreaking it, resetting it, and then working through physical therapy to rebuild strength. The process is arduous, unglamorous, frustrating, and exhausting - but it's that, or limp forever.

I'd rather leap than limp, even if it means being broken in the short term.

Since the fall, I've been working with an EMDR specialist to clear out the pain of my past, which is what I'd referred to in my last post. In so many ways, it's been AMAZING - I've had so many powerful "Aha!" moments that have brought phenomenal insight and empowerment. But at the same time, it's the hardest thing in the world to unleash the most painful moments and emotions that have been under lock and key for a lifetime - and stare them in the face. It is testing my strength in every way imaginable, and balancing all of that with my usual life of work, grad school, freelance, dating, friendships, church responsibilities, etc. has taken its toll. I am just plain burned out.

Apparently, so is my thyroid. Again. For the last decade, I've had Hashimoto's thyroiditis. It really hasn't been a big deal - just pop a pill in the morning, and I'm fine. But (not coincidentally - thank you, body/mind/spirit connection) as I've launched into working through things, the symptoms have crept back. I started noticing little random things, like the layers of my fingernails splitting and breaking, my hands being freezing cold (which I never noticed until the guy holding them commented on it repeatedly - cold hands, warm heart?), muscles in my legs and feet cramping up out of nowhere. But it wasn't until last week, when walking a 5K left me wiped out in bed all day, that I realized something was really wrong. And then everything added up.

Here's hoping the thyroid's the culprit, because it's easier to deal with a known evil than an unknown one. I've had it managed for 10 years, so I'm sure I can get it back to normal. Even so, it's scary and frustrating to physically not be able to do what I'd like. I just plain don't have the energy, and when it's gone, it's gone. For someone who's M.O. is to go, go, go, it's killer.

For the last several months, in the midst of all of this, I've pondered the idea of glorying in tribulations. I've spent a lot of scripture study looking at verses about trials, tribulations, and the blessings that follow those who faithfully endure. To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement, but the thought that keeps coming back to me over and over again is  "I can do hard things" - and, most importantly, I don't have to do them alone. In the strength of the Lord, through the enabling power of Christ's grace, I can do that which I could not do otherwise. Only He knows fully what's going on; only He fully understands anyway. His love is unconditional, and He knows my capacity better than I do. In my most heartbroken moment, all I could think was "Wow, God must trust me more than I trust myself to get through this!" The only way I can get through what lies ahead is to lean on the strength of the Lord and to trust in His infinite wisdom and strength.

Time and time again, I've come back to the Lord's promise in Ether 12:27:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

I'm experiencing the reality of this verse in powerful ways. There's something amazing about being okay with weakness when it's a stepping stone to strength.  I've never felt more humbled to the core as my barriers and walls have come tumbling down, and I've never been more keenly and painfully aware of my weaknesses and failings - and yet, I've never felt more empowered, really tapping into the strength of the Lord. This journey is one in which I can't reach out to any person in my life - it's too personal and hard to explain. But I can turn to the Lord with this broken heart and contrite spirit, and I trust in His power to make these weaknesses into strengths.

It's going to be an interesting summer, to say the least. At this point, I feel like making it to 30 with my mind, heart, and body in tact will be an accomplishment in and of itself!!! But without a doubt, I know that I'll come through this a better, stronger, wiser woman, more fit to be the wife and mother I dream of becoming someday (hopefully soon). Pretty much can't think of a better gift to myself and my posterity than that!

The Power of One

The San Clemente Stake lost a true giant a couple of weeks ago in the passing of Kevin Hegewald. I didn't know Bro. Hegewald personally, although I always loved when he spoke on High Council Sundays in our ward. Some of my close friends knew him well, however, and I've been so touched to see the comments people have made about the impact he had in their lives, including in this video featuring the stake's youth. Between that and reading the blog his family kept, chronicling his battle against cancer, I am just blown away by the powerful impact one person can have on the lives of so, so many people by living a good life and serving as a truly Christ-like example. If you read nothing else, PLEASE scroll down on the blog to his entry about adversity. It's amazing how even after his passing, Bro. Hegewald is teaching us how to survive and thrive through challenges.

I hope that you, too, can be touched by this example and this reminder of how much we affect others merely by living our lives. It's phenomenal the potential we have to make a difference if we're willing to rise up to the opportunity.

Apolo Update

Well, friends, I finally got to meet Olympic gold medalist Apolo Ohno this weekend! He was doing a book signing in downtown Salt Lake City on Saturday, so my amazing friend Haas indulged my ridiculousness and came with. We had so much fun! The line wasn't too bad, and we enjoyed chatting with the people behind and in front of us.


After we went through the line, we noticed there was no line anymore! Not a huge turnout. So we hung around a little longer and got some posed pics with Apolo.



It was fun to meet someone I've admired for years, but it's also always a little disappointing. Obviously they don't know you from Adam, so it's a weird dynamic. You admire them, but to them, you're just another face in the crowd. Still, it was fun to seize on the opportunity while it was present.

Confessions of a (Wannabe) Pioneer Woman

As a native Los Angelena, country life has never held much appeal for me. I treasured my childhood in the L.A. foothills, gazing admiringly at the shimmering downtown skyline, soaking up weekend adventures in Santa Monica, Malibu and beyond, and that passion for city life hasn't changed since I moved behind the Orange Curtain three years ago.


That is, until I found Ree.

Ree is my new hero. She's the brilliant authoress of "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman," a favorite blog of my stepmom's. When I saw Heather linked to it as well, I figured, this must be good, so Saturday morning I started perusing her stories.

And now I'm hooked.

My favorite part is "Black Heels to Tractor Wheels," the true-life story of how she, the citified USC graduate on her way to law school in Chicago, was swept off her feet by a bonafide cowboy who ran a working cattle ranch in the Midwest (Oklahoma, I think?).

Be still my heart!

A lifelong sucker for good love stories and meet cutes, I devoured all the installments to date of the saga... and wouldn't you know, the Dixie Chicks' "Cowboy, Take Me Away" somehow started filling my head... and I yearn forthe open fields near my grandma's cabin near Yellowstone, with cattle ranches and cowboys galore... have the sudden urge to watch John Wayne movies (preferably when he's young)... find myself dreamily whatever happened to Derek, the Texas boy I went out with a couple times freshman year - his Big Plan was to be a doctor, retire young and start a cattle ranch...

Dang it, Ree!

Now my cozy, suburbanite South County life just doesn't cut it anymore... and I'm starting to think maybe my parents aren't totally crazy for dreaming of a strawbale house in Bozeman.

But, alas, when I think of the big stories that come out of the newspapers I've picked up in Island Park and the likes... well... if a girl's gotta report, Laguna Beach is pretty much the best beat in the world!

And besides, I couldn't handle the manure. Gross.