Gearing Up for Grandeur

How would you change your day-to-day life if everything you've dreamed of is just around the corner?

This is a thought that I've been chewing on a lot lately. After the blood, sweat, and tears of the last two years, including the aforementioned "physical therapy" phase, I'm finally able to breathe again and to enjoy the sweetness and magnificence that is my life—and with newly gained compassion, patience, insight, and wisdom.

And wonderfully sweet, exciting adventures lie so close in store, I can brush them with my fingertips!

But I've also had a jarring, eye-opening realization in the last week: what does it MEAN if these long-awaited blessings are just around the corner? Am I ready?

In my heart of hearts, I know that my life's on the brink of major, major changes once more. Remember how I felt this... and then this happened? (And events unfolded to make my life infinitely better than anything I could've imagined or realized?) I've gone through enough rounds of this to recognize the pattern.

Which means it's time to work with a laser-like focus on making weak things become strong.

Last week I read this Psychology Today article that examined why/how "bright girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up—and the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses... [because] more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice."

Sigh.

This article hit me profoundly because that is the story of my life! I've always been very, very bright—and, ultimately, it's been detrimental. I have limited myself SO much by not pushing past the limits of my comfort zone and only playing to my strengths. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I just avoid it or brush it off: "I'm just terrible at sports." "I can't do math to save my life."

My eyes are so painfully opened and aware of my weaknesses that I've ignored for this very reason. There are certain things that I've just given into, more or less—knowing I could do better but settling for this complacent mediocrity because, to some degree, I guess I don't believe I can do it. Sad, sad, sad.

Thankfully, the article goes on to discuss what is my new goal: "No matter the ability—whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism—studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Examples abound of friends who have persevered over major obstacles to achieve great things, or who push past their disdain of the work to enjoy the result that work inevitably brings, whether it be running or school work or health issues.

If they can do it, I can too.
Right? In theory?

So, here's to sucking it up, buckling down, and working on becoming amazing. Or, as Sara Bareilles puts it, being BRAVE.

Spring Awakening

"Does a snake mourns the skin it sheds as it grows? Or a butterfly—does it hesitate when breaking free from its chrysalis and flying onward and upward?"

These are the thoughts I find myself pondering tonight. Glorious as it may be, growth means departing from the familiar and moving into the unknown, trusting that great things are ahead but not really knowing what that means. And for someone who struggles to let go of the reins, venturing into the unknown world alone is about as terrifying and uncomfortable as it gets!

The end of 2012 dovetailed with a life chapter's closing, and while I charged headlong into the new year with big hopes and aspirations... life had other plans (including two months of bronchitis). Six weeks ago I finally stepped into some semblance of a normal life, and... it's been a start-and-stop process ever since, relearning to what it means... well... to be me. 

I guess when you break a bone and reset it, there's inevitably a period of physical therapy, right? The fracture has healed, and that old, pesky limp is FINALLY gone, but the atrophied muscles have to awaken and regain their strength, and it takes so much patience and perseverance to get back to running and kicking and swimming and dancing and all those good things. And none of those will feel or function quite how they did before, nor should they.

Well... I suppose my heart, mind, and spirit are in something akin to physical therapy.

It's weird, picking up the pieces and moving forward into life again after a year spent on hold—breaking down to the core, working through heartbreaks, treasuring every moment with my sweet grandmother, transitioning into a new phase of complete independence. I didn't realize just how dearly I needed the connection and purpose and belonging I felt in Grandma's last months... and now... it's just me again. No roommates. No place in a family unit. No debt. No emotional obligations. I've never been so wholly independent in every sense—which is both liberating and isolating. 

As much as I try to look at everything as an opportunity... it's not easy. Most of the time I feel kind of lost. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things... but I don't have the desire to push as hard as I once could. Busy is not a badge I like to wear anymore. Slowing down is great... except when it reminds me that I'm alone. Keeping the "nobody loves you" gremlins at bay is a frequent battle. I know in my head that I'm dearly loved by many... but when my days come and go with little meaningful connection to others, it gets tough to really believe that in my heart.

New friendships have helped immensely—I've been adopted into a wonderful group that fits so well, and we do dinner twice a week plus play games on Sunday nights—but there again, it's a mixed blessing. New relationships require patience and effort and vulnerability—and goodness knows I feel vulnerable enough as it is just existing these days! I'm finally authentic and comfortable in my skin... but what it means to "be myself" is new, too. I'm not who I was a year ago (or six months ago, even). Just skimming my blogposts from as recent as December... man. That feels like ancient history. Even the focus on my "30 by 30" list—who was that girl?! So much of it seems silly and trivial now in the grand scheme of things. Familiar, good things are snapping back into place, like a desire to bake again Sunday for the first time in ages. But the deeper, emotional things are all new.

And it's funny, because when I get out of my own way and just LIVE, I do wonderfully. People tell me I'm amazing frequently... and I'm not trying for that feedback. I'm just being myself. But when I think about it, that's when I second-guess and wobble and fall—getting scared, wanting to run away and hide in my condo, where it's safe. And don't even get me started on dating!!! So many false starts lately that ultimately lack real traction and potential... but hope still prevails. It'll happen when it happens, and when it does, it'll be glorious.

Meanwhile... I just keep trekking along. Usually I like imparting of some overarching insight or wisdom when wrapping up a blogpost, but this time? I got nothing, kids. I'm making life up as I go! And, really, I guess that's the best insight of all, because that's reality. It's all we're asked to do—no more, no less.

But I will leave you with a couple gems I've found of late:

"You're going to become more tolerant with time, and not only because you have more to tolerate in yourself. Because life will batter you and you'll have a surer sense of what's important and has meaning and is good."—Peggy Noonan, 

Wall Street Journal

And...

How to Talk to Girls (and Other Words of Wisdom)

This kid could teach some lessons to most of the single guys whose dating (and, hey, even just friendship) paths have crossed mine in recent years. Seriously. GENIUS!



So, speaking of dating... gotta share some game-changing experiences and insights of late.

To set up the context, I don't know the last time that my love life was a complete blank slate. Even when I made major state-to-state moves, there was almost always some lingering crush or long-distance relationship that I hoped would pan out down the road. Life's been such nonstop crazy since I moved in August that I have yet to start a new social life in town. But now that the dust is settling, I feel overwhelmingly that it's time for a new chapter of my life to begin.

And this is going to be the best chapter yet, friends! I'm so thrilled to see what's ahead, I can barely stand it!!! Giddy is an understatement.

But first, I had to clear up one lingering question mark: newfound interest in an amazing guy friend. Whether we'd be a match had yet to be determined, but guys of his caliber don't come along every day, so... I boldly sent him a more sophisticated take on "Do you like me? Check yes or no." He went for no, but good glory, friends, I've never been so thrilled for a rejection in all my life!!! After sending off the note, I seriously felt... ambivalent? I don't know how to explain it. Either outcome was a fabulous option, and both were better than this tepid wasteland of uncertainty. I felt strongly, though, that his answer was secondary to the fact that I'd dared greatly. I followed a distinct impression toward a path of action that scared the daylights out of me, and I lived to tell the tale--no regrets! I get to just plain enjoy this awesome friendship without any of that weirdness what creeps in with "what are we?" confusion.

Now I get to dive into the Provo/Orem social scene completely and totally unfettered by any outstanding emotional entanglements--and, better yet, I get to put into action all of the lessons learned from my crash course in dating along with all the insights, healing, and joy found in the new heart I've built since the old one shattered last spring. I've changed so much in the last year, it's startling. Was the process brutal? Yes--but now I get to enjoy the payoff of the blood, sweat, and tears: WISDOM. Dude. There is no putting a price tag on that gem!!! It truly is priceless.

And let's not forget the other payoff: CONFIDENCE. Seriously, how can you ever gain it except to take that risk, challenge your status quo, and succeed?! Nothing is a bigger factor in being attractive, either, than confidence--knowing that you're a good person doing good things in the world, making the most of the raw material at your fingertips. I've had this flurry of lightbulb moments in the last month, and one of the brightest moments was finally believing, no holds barred, that I am worthy of love and belonging, which is the key to true joy and connection in life. It sounds silly to revel in the knowledge that you're awesome, but anyone who knows my story well knows it's been a 30-year battle to get here. I had some ridiculously hard battles to fight literally from the cradle, but the beauty is that I've done it. I'm not a victim. I am a victor, and I have created a phenomenal life filled with more joy than I ever knew was possible. Life is truly good, friends. So humbled and blessed.

And so excited to put into practice all of these game-changing insights, including these newly gelled winners:

• Don't reject yourself before the guy/girl can. Know the saying "whether you think you can or can't, you're right"? Same idea. Too often we discount our own value and figure the other person wouldn't be interested anyway, so why bother? And so we go for the safety of the friend zone before giving any potential a chance to play out. I totally did this with the aforementioned friend when we first met. After nearly a year of friendship, there's enough foundation to know it's nothing more, but right when meeting someone, there's no way to know! So instead of defaulting to the assumption that it's a friendship--or doing the flipside of falling head over heels for someone you don't even know--just be open. Don't be too quick to affix labels. That first bit of knowing someone is fact-finding. Just enjoy it for what it is, because you never get to return to that blank slate with that person again!
• Worrying and overthinking are surefire roads to disaster. Trust me. If either were Olympic sports, I'd have a boatload of gold medals. Overthinking is a defense mechanism, seeking to make certainty out of something that is inherently uncertain. The more you replay the tape and overanalyze, the more confusing it gets. Worrying is a total energy-waster, too. It might feel like you're actively working on something, but you're not. Switch off the brain, trust your intuition, and just enjoy watching how things unfold. Your energy is better expended in improving what you bring to the table as a partner, since that's just about the only thing you can control in a relationship.
• Trust that your awesomeness will attract the right person. It's that simple. Think of the word "attraction" beyond its dating definition. It's something whose inherent appeal draws the right thing, like a magnet attracting metal. Attraction in dating should be that simple, organic, and effortless. The magnet doesn't do some sort of dog-and-pony show to entice the metal. It doesn't try to morph itself into a different substance that will click with some other target. Granted, magnets don't have brains or emotions to do any of that anyway... but you get the point. All of us (well, except for sociopaths) have some degree of insecurity, especially in this arena. It's natural. But make the effort to overpower that negative impulse with positivity! You can't control other people's actions, interest, reactions, etc. Don't chase after someone who doesn't feel a draw toward you, especially when that could disconnect you from someone who actually does feel drawn into your orbit. All you can do is to play your own cards well and then rest assured that the best thing for you will shake out in whatever form and timeframe. Everyone--EVERYONE--deserves to be at the receiving end of head-over-heels, crazy-stupid love. Seriously, why on earth would you settle for anything less than that?! As Oscar Wilde brilliantly put it, "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly NORMAL human being?" It's not just the material of Hollywood fairytales. I've seen countless case studies in that kind of love among my nearest and dearest who married well. So sit back and enjoy the journey to that kind of happy ending!
• Have fun! Seriously. Life is a mixed bag, and we can't control circumstances--but we have a heck of a lot more control over our joy level than we often accept. Choose to see the silver linings. Choose to assume the best of people and of situations. Choose to believe that you're awesome--and if you think it, why on earth would anyone disagree? Choose to own your story and to let others own theirs. Mistakes and missteps shape our stories as much as the well-made decisions do. Don't stress. Just roll with it. Life is that we might have joy, and that joy comes from within. Whether it fills your heart or not is up to you--and that kind of radiance is way more attractive than a dour, downcast countenance!

So, here's to a new, clean page in my dating saga. I'm beyond thrilled to break from the past patterns and see how this next chapter will unfold!

Lost and Found

Looking back at 2012, one theme sticks out: loss.

In the course of the past year, I lost hope for relationships with key family members (including straight-up estrangements for most of the year), lost a chance at love (although, if we're being honest, I dodged a bullet with that one), lost my health for several months, my team lost the election (grrrr!!!), and, a few weeks ago, I lost my grandmother, who was my family, best friend, and primary example in life. Oh, and just today I got the news that my grandmother's children are selling her cabin in Island Park—my lifelong haven and refuge—so that's another devastating loss for 2012. Even happy things, like moving to my delightful condo, involved loss—losing the happiest home situation I've ever had, living with my best friend in a place filled with joy and warmth.

So to you, 2012, I have two words: Peace out!

Now, onto the beautiful blank state of 2013 (which I'm kicking off with a one-night stay at the Hotel Del Coronado—hello, bucket-list item!!!)

I've decided that this new year is going to be MY year. As devastating as loss can be, it brings a certain degree of liberation. The voids left by losses can be opportunities to create better, brighter, beautiful possibilities—and I'm going to make finding them the focus of this new year.

Specifically:

• Finding Health and Wealth—Two of my biggest Achilles' heels in life seem to be fitness and finances. Honestly, both stem from a shared root issue: a lack of self-discipline and delayed gratification. This year I plan to attack both with a vengeance!
• Finding Love—And by love, I broaden that scope beyond romance, because love is so much bigger than that. My life is filled with love, and yet too often I either discount available love because it's not the source I crave (i.e. friends instead of family), or I get frustrated with love offered because it's not exactly what I want from that particular individual. I need to work on accepting what love people offer—no more, no less—while trusting in God's goodness to provide what I do need, even when it comes from unexpected places. (And if an unexpected place does happen to be that tall, dark, handsome "Mormon prince" I've been awaiting... well... fabulous!)
• Finding Meaningful Ways to Serve—Rebuilding my broken heart necessitated an inward focus for much of 2012, but I finally feel like I can breathe again! The dust is settling, and with that, I really want to get outside of myself. The two consistent services I did in 2012 were family history and temple work, which are incredibly fulfilling and fabulous, so I want to get back to those. But above and beyond that, I want to serve those within my sphere in whatever way possible. I have so much love to give and need to find great outlets for it.
• Finding My Voice—I've had an idea for a book bouncing around in my brain for ages now, but I still needed to gain some experience in order to pull it off. I think the time has arrived to put pen to paper and up my Writer (with a capital W) street cred by writing my book.
• Finding Peace and Comfort in the Atonement—Christ's Atonement is magnificent and marvelous, but as much as I appreciate it, I still don't fully tap into its strength and power, especially as a source of infinite love, peace, and comfort. I struggle to trust what I can't see, and that's a flaw that really needs to fall away this year.
• Finding Serenity in Uncertainty—Whew, trust is a BIG struggle for me, quite possibly my biggest. I have such a hard time believing things will work out, even when I have so many case studies of when they did. So instead I expend sooooo much energy overthinking and overanalyzing in an attempt to make certainty out of something inherently uncertain. Well, that has GOT to stop, because I seriously become my own worst enemy in those instances! Here's to letting go and learning to TRUST wholeheartedly, no fear, no regrets.
• Finding the Hows—It was a glorious moment a few weeks ago to realize that I've done it! I have, in many ways, become the woman I always wanted to be. It's such a wonderful feeling. Life is so much like hiking, and as the dust's started to settle on 2012, I've been enjoying the breather and the vista, appreciating how far I've come. Now it's time to get up and get back to climbing, looking for the specific, material ways to take that "becoming who I want to be" to the next level. If you're not progressing, you're regressing, and I want to keep moving forward into beautiful, wonderful things.

Here's to the most marvelous, wonderful, fabulous year yet, friends!!! Hope this next year brings you so much joy and love, too.

A Word on My Single Status

Friends, I feel like every time I say anything remotely related to dating or along the veins of saying that I'd like to be married, I need to give a disclaimer.

So I'm going to give this disclaimer once. Please listen and take note - and I'm sure your other single friends would concur.

Ready?

When your response to anyone's commentary on their own singleness is something along the lines of a platitude or patronizing remark about how "It'll happen at the right time..." or "Just have faith..." or "Aren't you so glad you can traipse around New York City while I'm at home potty-training an unruly toddler?!"

Please... and I say this with the most love in my heart possible...

Save your breath.

There.

I said it.

After 12 1/2 years of being in the marriage-obsessed LDS singles scene, believe you me, I've heard it all. I understand and appreciate that the comments and compliments are meant to lighten my load, but honestly, they don't.

Because I know undoubtedly that God is preparing an amazing, righteous, wonderful man for me. I know that he will be worth every bad date endured, every tear shed, every hope dashed painfully to pieces. The caliber of men I've dated in the last couple of years, coupled with the phenomenal guy friends in my life, assure me that there are still plenty of keepers out there. I don't opt into the "all the good ones are taken" philosophy. Mine's out there, and he'll come when he and I are both ready for it. Period. End of story. And I wouldn't have him come along a moment sooner.

Because if I'd wanted just to be married by now, I would be. I've had offers, guys. And I mean that pretty seriously, even if the relationships didn't have labels affixed. There's one in particular who would marry me this minute, and boy, I would be the most cherished, lucky lady in the world... except for that whole temple marriage thing. I can't budge there. Some things you just plain don't settle on.

Because when I say I could really use a husband right now to hold my hand as I face the passing of my grandmother, I don't mean it as an invitation for platitudes. You mean well. I get it. I appreciate it. But I'm not complaining. I'm just acknowledging reality. There is a difference. I want someone who will hold me as I cry. I need that now more than I ever have in my 30 years. There's not a person on whom I can call for that right now (well, in the same state as me, at least), and that stings. I'm tired of being strong and feeling like I have to do it all myself. I want someone who is mine forever and always, from whom I can claim protection, companionship, comfort, support, etc. and who I can, in return, love with all of my heart, who I can nurture and cherish, with whom I can just plain enjoy how fun and wonderful life can be. Even awful situations like a midnight ER run can be an adventure with the right company, as my best friend and I learned last weekend. Yes, I have amazing friends who are here for me. And I don't discount that. But they have lives - busy lives and families of their own. And due to how I was raised, my default assumption is that I'm bothering people if I ask anything of them. I've had a lifetime of self-sufficiency. I want someone to whom my life materially matters, and vice versa.

Because life is supposed to be a team sport. Remember that whole Adam-Eve thing about it not being good for man to be alone? It's right there at the start of the Bible for a reason - it's the most essential, basic part of this earth-life experience.

Because I am really, truly, blissfully happy with my life right now. It is amazing. I'm done waiting to let myself fully enjoy and embrace my happiness with life as it is right now. No more asterisks. No more "Everything's great... except I just need a good man." So please refrain from discounting my happiness and putting conditions on it for me, okay? My post about how blissful and perfect my Thanksgiving was this year elicited a comment about how "all it was missing was a good man, and that will come!" Gag. Me. I know she meant well, but... she really didn't need to remind me what I'm missing and then top it with trite words of "comfort." I'm not postponing my happiness. Please don't do it for me, either.

Because it'll happen when it's right, and really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am not worried about it. Do you have any concept of the energy I've expended in the last decade-plus, worrying about dating and crushes and trying to read between lines and decipher what's going on in the minds of the objects of my affection?! Can you imagine the amazing things I could have accomplished by channeling that into something productive?! Yeah. I don't want to regret wasted time and energy anymore, either. And after the last year, I'm out of extra emotional energy for the wasting anyway.

And, most of all, because I'm not going to pretend the lack's not there anymore than I'll let myself be defined by it. It is what it is, just as much as I can't control my height (but I can improve my posture) or my grey hair (but I can dye it). I'll make the absolute most out of my current single status, but acknowledging reality is neither a whining complaint nor a cry for complimentary platitudes. I know why I haven't gotten married yet - I've needed this time to grow and learn. I am an amazing woman now, far better than I was a year ago, and I am sooooo glad I didn't meet Mr. Right a moment sooner.

Please join me in embracing the awesomeness of what's there and letting go of what we can't control. And thank you, as always, for your love and good intentions. I appreciate it.

Growing Up

"I could really use a manual for adulthood right about now!" I thought exasperatedly, unsure of what I "should" be doing. What do you do when the call to say final goodbyes to Grandma comes while you're en route to a dress rehearsal for tomorrow's big Christmas concert?

Well, if you're me, you go to rehearsal and then pull the all-night bedside vigil. So here I sit, kids, listening to cheesy Christmas music while Grandma sleeps, unaware I'm in the room. My fingers are always so cold in the winter, I don't dare even touch her, lest she wake.

But I sit. I wait. I think and wonder what lies ahead. How exactly are you supposed to handle losing the person you love most in the whole wide world? The one constant in your 30 years, the one sure source of unconditional love (tough and no-nonsense as she is)? My grandmother has become one of my best friends, and the reality that she won't be here much longer is something my mind and heart can't quite grasp.

She'll never get to hear how Thursday's date goes. I'll never play Scrabble or Yahtzee with her again, or eat waffles slathered in peanut butter and syrup with her while sitting at the cabin's dining room table, watching the early morning fishermen on Henry's Lake. We'll never attend a temple session together again, each nudging the other awake. But the never-evers are almost worse to consider. She'll miss my wedding. My children will never get to meet her, nor will my future husband. Would she think he's good enough for me? I'll never get to ask. What on earth will I do without her as an oracle of sage wisdom and advice on everything from family to career to dating to cooking to health? We have such different personalities, and yet, I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

She moves her head. I perk up, hoping she might wake so I can say hi, but she keeps snoring, and I keep waiting. And wondering. It's a helpless feeling, having absolutely no clue what to do but to sit. But sometimes, just sitting and being still are all you can do.

45 Life Lessons from a 90 Year Old

My friend Jessi posted this on Facebook, and it was too great not to pass along. Enjoy!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye... But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don’t forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

I Can Do Hard Things

Picture snagged from Sweet Coconut Lime

Imagine limping your whole life on a poorly mended broken bone. The break came so early in life that you don't really remember walking differently. You don't notice it that much, really, until you try to leap and run and dance like your peers - but just plain can't. Finally, you hit the point where you refuse to be held back any longer, but the only way to heal it is to endure the painful process of rebreaking it, resetting it, and then working through physical therapy to rebuild strength. The process is arduous, unglamorous, frustrating, and exhausting - but it's that, or limp forever.

I'd rather leap than limp, even if it means being broken in the short term.

Since the fall, I've been working with an EMDR specialist to clear out the pain of my past, which is what I'd referred to in my last post. In so many ways, it's been AMAZING - I've had so many powerful "Aha!" moments that have brought phenomenal insight and empowerment. But at the same time, it's the hardest thing in the world to unleash the most painful moments and emotions that have been under lock and key for a lifetime - and stare them in the face. It is testing my strength in every way imaginable, and balancing all of that with my usual life of work, grad school, freelance, dating, friendships, church responsibilities, etc. has taken its toll. I am just plain burned out.

Apparently, so is my thyroid. Again. For the last decade, I've had Hashimoto's thyroiditis. It really hasn't been a big deal - just pop a pill in the morning, and I'm fine. But (not coincidentally - thank you, body/mind/spirit connection) as I've launched into working through things, the symptoms have crept back. I started noticing little random things, like the layers of my fingernails splitting and breaking, my hands being freezing cold (which I never noticed until the guy holding them commented on it repeatedly - cold hands, warm heart?), muscles in my legs and feet cramping up out of nowhere. But it wasn't until last week, when walking a 5K left me wiped out in bed all day, that I realized something was really wrong. And then everything added up.

Here's hoping the thyroid's the culprit, because it's easier to deal with a known evil than an unknown one. I've had it managed for 10 years, so I'm sure I can get it back to normal. Even so, it's scary and frustrating to physically not be able to do what I'd like. I just plain don't have the energy, and when it's gone, it's gone. For someone who's M.O. is to go, go, go, it's killer.

For the last several months, in the midst of all of this, I've pondered the idea of glorying in tribulations. I've spent a lot of scripture study looking at verses about trials, tribulations, and the blessings that follow those who faithfully endure. To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement, but the thought that keeps coming back to me over and over again is  "I can do hard things" - and, most importantly, I don't have to do them alone. In the strength of the Lord, through the enabling power of Christ's grace, I can do that which I could not do otherwise. Only He knows fully what's going on; only He fully understands anyway. His love is unconditional, and He knows my capacity better than I do. In my most heartbroken moment, all I could think was "Wow, God must trust me more than I trust myself to get through this!" The only way I can get through what lies ahead is to lean on the strength of the Lord and to trust in His infinite wisdom and strength.

Time and time again, I've come back to the Lord's promise in Ether 12:27:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

I'm experiencing the reality of this verse in powerful ways. There's something amazing about being okay with weakness when it's a stepping stone to strength.  I've never felt more humbled to the core as my barriers and walls have come tumbling down, and I've never been more keenly and painfully aware of my weaknesses and failings - and yet, I've never felt more empowered, really tapping into the strength of the Lord. This journey is one in which I can't reach out to any person in my life - it's too personal and hard to explain. But I can turn to the Lord with this broken heart and contrite spirit, and I trust in His power to make these weaknesses into strengths.

It's going to be an interesting summer, to say the least. At this point, I feel like making it to 30 with my mind, heart, and body in tact will be an accomplishment in and of itself!!! But without a doubt, I know that I'll come through this a better, stronger, wiser woman, more fit to be the wife and mother I dream of becoming someday (hopefully soon). Pretty much can't think of a better gift to myself and my posterity than that!

Party of One

{This post along the lines of creative nonfiction / personal essay is something I penned in real time while waiting for Fictionist's Rooftop Concert in downtown Provo almost exactly a year ago. It was an interesting experience--I started writing without knowing how it would end. Thankfully, the ending came, and it was lovely. Enjoy.}

Under an open, blue sky, dotted with the hazy, thin clouds of waning sunlight, musicians checked the sound for the first concert of the summer atop a parking structure in the old-fashioned downtown of a college town. The crowd streamed in—pairs, trios, groups of all ages, families, college students, couples old enough to be the artists’ parents or grandparents.

At the front of the bunch sat two striped blue beach chairs—one occupied by a tall brunette in a lavender cardigan, the other filled by a purse, a book, a couple of blankets, and a bottle of VitaminWater Zero.

Alone.

At 28, rolling solo was hardly a new experience for the gal. Years before, after missing a much-anticipated Andy Warhol retrospective at the L.A. County Museum of Art for lack of a fellow aesthete, the freckle-faced 19 year old vowed to never skip an experience or adventure she craved, even if it meant going alone.

And she hadn’t. Growing independent and strong, she moved to Seattle alone at 20, savoring every second of that long two-day drive from her native California (minus those miserable two hours of food poisoning, of course—never get a shake from a roadside shack in Glendale, Oregon!). Alone she graduated from BYU and returned to California, leaving behind her best friends who had all wed or become engaged within a calendar year. Alone she’d made a career, taken trips, made major life decisions, and tried with all her heart to embrace the independence (and ignore the loneliness) that came with her singleness.

And now, alone she sat, uneasily awaiting her favorite band’s outdoor concert.

The empty chair wasn’t a ruse exactly—after all, her roommates said they might come, or she could possibly run into a friend… acquaintance… someone or anyone who’d appreciate a comfortable chair and warm, fleecy throw blanket.

Or, she realized with a resigned sign, she just might be alone in the crowd, accompanied by nothing but her blankets and an empty chair.

“How much longer?” she wondered as she scanned the crowd, a faint sadness tempering the warmth in her hazel eyes. The masses began to fill in all around, crowding in the space she’d so carefully reserved hours earlier. A handsome acquaintance passed by, and in his brown eyes she could read the question—“Is she alone?”—or at least so she thought. Another familiar face breezed past, an old high-school acquaintance offering a warm hello without stopping; he probably assumed that second seat was otherwise reserved. And even if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be spacious enough for him and his wingmen. After all, who goes to a concert alone?

“How much longer until I get a yes or no from Elise or Christina, until I know if they're coming?”

But the question went deeper.

How much longer would she have to be a party of one? How many more friends would fall in love, have babies, grow their families to two, three, four, five… while she stood on the sidelines, alone? How many more crushes and relationships would come and go, leaving her with a broken heart and the lingering question of whether she would have been better off not trying in the first place? The brides and grooms got younger each year; the friends’ children just got older and older instead.

Then a movement caught her eye—an auburn-haired mother struggling with a beautiful toddler daughter, searching for a spot within the crowd.

“You’re welcome to sit here,” the brunette offered, moving her belongings from the extra chair.

“Are you sure it’s not saved for someone already?” the young mother asked.

“No, it’s all yours,” she replied with a smile.

With that, the mother and her child settled in, promising to make room for the brunette’s friends when (“if,” the brunette thought with a twinge of sadness) they came. The women chatted, enjoying the sounds of the opening acts and the connection inherent in friendly faces and open hearts. The brunette’s friends did come—but first came the new friendship forged with the young mother and her baby girl, if only for that beautiful, warm spring evening. 

Unattached, solo, single—call it what you will, being a party of one is just being a party of one, no more, no less. But alone? No, alone is a choice—a decision to view life through the lens of heartbreaking isolation. And that evening, the brunette learned the valuable lesson that being a party of one doesn’t mean you have to be alone. 

30 by 30: The 2/3 Update

Whew - eight months down, only four to go until I hit the big 3-0. I've slashed through some goals like a madwoman in the last four months, but I still have quite a ways to go. Think I can finish up the list by August 30th?

#1: True Aggie - DONE! Thank you, Patrick. Convenient that the night before his birthday (on which we already had plans to do my taxes, since he's my accountant this year) just happened to be a full moon, right?

#2: Five new states / #7: Drive Route 66 - These are going to be tough and might not happen. I've decided to scale back my traveling this year, and the trips planned are all to places I've already been. But who knows? Maybe I can swing something. Getting through all remaining 50 states is one of my goals for my 30s. :)

#3: 30 dates - DONE! And what a wonderful journey that was - more on it here. (You would've hoped that #11: Get at least one really, really good kiss would've come out of the 30 dates, but alas... still working on this one.)

I do have to say, the most humbling part of the 30 dates was realizing that although I have the dating thing down now... relationships are an entirely different creature altogether, and I'm still totally clueless on that front. Painful (so painful!) to learn lessons of the heart by trial and error. Every time I see my hashmarked list for the 30 dates with the little heart drawn on the one representing the guy who stood out above the rest, it tugs at my heartstrings. So much potential, but I gave into fear and insecurity, inadvertently sending out shut-down signals when that's the LAST thing I wanted. It might recover... but it might not, and knowing my actions and words share blame there absolutely kills me. But what can you do? Making mistakes and then learning from them is part of the joy of being human.

#4: Authentic self - There's no way to articulate the education and growth that's come in the last few months in particular - and much of it's too close to my heart to blog anyways - but let's just say this one's definitely progressing, and I will be a better, wiser woman for it. So many lessons, so much deepening and broadening. If you want to read some wise words, check out Ordinary Courage and Superhero Journal - these women know what they're talking about!

#5: Attend the temple 30 times - More than halfway there! I'm enjoying skipping around to the different temples around Utah (plus I got San Diego and Seattle in the count). This summer I'll be planning trips to the far-flung ones like Vernal, Monticello, and Manti to get to all 12 operating temples in Utah by my birthday.

#6: Learn to ski - DONE! And by done, I mean I pathetically attempted to learn... for one MISERABLE hour on the slopes that ended with me tweaking my elbow. Oh holy swallowing my pride! It was awful... but at least I tried (and got a refund from Alta).

#12-#14: Lots of hiking to do this summer (Mt. Washburn, the Y, Mt. Timpanogos) - anyone want to come with?

#21: Sing, sing, sing - I really enjoyed singing for Lamb of God this Easter season. This summer I'm avoiding any time commitments, but come fall, I might audition for the Mapleton Chorale at my friend Harmony's nudging. We'll see. I really miss being in a choir like OCMCO! Oh, and I did start voice lessons, but they only lasted a few weeks because of some extenuating circumstances (and she wasn't a great fit anyways). Might look into a new teacher if I don't do the choir in the fall so my voice is getting the practice it needs.

#22: Put my clothes away in the closet, not on the floor - Might sound dumb, but when I get busy, this one is really hard to do! But I did finally get into the habit, so yay. Took 29 years... but my mother would be pleased, I'm sure.

#26: Write in my journal weekly - Well, this one really picked up in March. Let's just say I had a lot to write out, since I process by writing, and some things aren't bloggable. I'm not the most consistent, but I've mostly kept this up.

#28: Make the most of my commute - I've gone through some awesome audiobooks and listened to great talks, but I really do need to get back in the habit. Peppy music helps me wake up, but these deeper thoughts really are the best way to start the day.

#29: Run a 5K - Well... I'm doing another 5K with Rebecca and Haas and their families this weekend, but my training got sidelined by a crazy schedule, killer cold, and severe insomnia for a good six weeks there, so... running probably won't happen. But I'll enjoy walking it! And I'll shoot to run something in the next few months.

#30: Channel my inner Annie Oakley - In a few weeks I'm finally going shooting with my cousin. Here's hoping I can become a little sure shot!

Becoming What the World Needs

“The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender.

There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. 

There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined.
We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith.
We have enough greed; we need more goodness.
We have enough vanity; we need more virtue.
We have enough popularity; we need more purity."

- Margaret D. Nadauld

The world in which we live makes me so sad sometimes. Men's hearts truly are failing them - all you have to do is to look at the news to see all the horrible, base things that happen each and every day. We hail from this royal generation - and yet, how much do we see squandered potential everywhere around us? Addictions, distractions, a lack of basic respect, reverence, or dignity - it's just heartbreaking to see how many people live below their divine inheritances... and either don't know they deserve better or don't care to do the work required to find better things.

This morning I was thinking about how little the world reveres reverence or respect - simple things that would make life that much better. In today's world, nothing is sacred - and yet, we have the challenge to live sanctified lives, to rise above the fray and to lift up our brothers and sisters while we're at it. 

No small feat, right?

How profoundly grateful I am for the understanding that we can and must do better than what we see around us - to create families that are blessed, not broken; to show forth compassion and courage despite the calloused hands and hearts we encounter. Let us never forget who we are - READ THIS if you need a reminder - to embrace and understand our eternal identities, and to help others do the same.