A Word on My Single Status

Friends, I feel like every time I say anything remotely related to dating or along the veins of saying that I'd like to be married, I need to give a disclaimer.

So I'm going to give this disclaimer once. Please listen and take note - and I'm sure your other single friends would concur.

Ready?

When your response to anyone's commentary on their own singleness is something along the lines of a platitude or patronizing remark about how "It'll happen at the right time..." or "Just have faith..." or "Aren't you so glad you can traipse around New York City while I'm at home potty-training an unruly toddler?!"

Please... and I say this with the most love in my heart possible...

Save your breath.

There.

I said it.

After 12 1/2 years of being in the marriage-obsessed LDS singles scene, believe you me, I've heard it all. I understand and appreciate that the comments and compliments are meant to lighten my load, but honestly, they don't.

Because I know undoubtedly that God is preparing an amazing, righteous, wonderful man for me. I know that he will be worth every bad date endured, every tear shed, every hope dashed painfully to pieces. The caliber of men I've dated in the last couple of years, coupled with the phenomenal guy friends in my life, assure me that there are still plenty of keepers out there. I don't opt into the "all the good ones are taken" philosophy. Mine's out there, and he'll come when he and I are both ready for it. Period. End of story. And I wouldn't have him come along a moment sooner.

Because if I'd wanted just to be married by now, I would be. I've had offers, guys. And I mean that pretty seriously, even if the relationships didn't have labels affixed. There's one in particular who would marry me this minute, and boy, I would be the most cherished, lucky lady in the world... except for that whole temple marriage thing. I can't budge there. Some things you just plain don't settle on.

Because when I say I could really use a husband right now to hold my hand as I face the passing of my grandmother, I don't mean it as an invitation for platitudes. You mean well. I get it. I appreciate it. But I'm not complaining. I'm just acknowledging reality. There is a difference. I want someone who will hold me as I cry. I need that now more than I ever have in my 30 years. There's not a person on whom I can call for that right now (well, in the same state as me, at least), and that stings. I'm tired of being strong and feeling like I have to do it all myself. I want someone who is mine forever and always, from whom I can claim protection, companionship, comfort, support, etc. and who I can, in return, love with all of my heart, who I can nurture and cherish, with whom I can just plain enjoy how fun and wonderful life can be. Even awful situations like a midnight ER run can be an adventure with the right company, as my best friend and I learned last weekend. Yes, I have amazing friends who are here for me. And I don't discount that. But they have lives - busy lives and families of their own. And due to how I was raised, my default assumption is that I'm bothering people if I ask anything of them. I've had a lifetime of self-sufficiency. I want someone to whom my life materially matters, and vice versa.

Because life is supposed to be a team sport. Remember that whole Adam-Eve thing about it not being good for man to be alone? It's right there at the start of the Bible for a reason - it's the most essential, basic part of this earth-life experience.

Because I am really, truly, blissfully happy with my life right now. It is amazing. I'm done waiting to let myself fully enjoy and embrace my happiness with life as it is right now. No more asterisks. No more "Everything's great... except I just need a good man." So please refrain from discounting my happiness and putting conditions on it for me, okay? My post about how blissful and perfect my Thanksgiving was this year elicited a comment about how "all it was missing was a good man, and that will come!" Gag. Me. I know she meant well, but... she really didn't need to remind me what I'm missing and then top it with trite words of "comfort." I'm not postponing my happiness. Please don't do it for me, either.

Because it'll happen when it's right, and really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am not worried about it. Do you have any concept of the energy I've expended in the last decade-plus, worrying about dating and crushes and trying to read between lines and decipher what's going on in the minds of the objects of my affection?! Can you imagine the amazing things I could have accomplished by channeling that into something productive?! Yeah. I don't want to regret wasted time and energy anymore, either. And after the last year, I'm out of extra emotional energy for the wasting anyway.

And, most of all, because I'm not going to pretend the lack's not there anymore than I'll let myself be defined by it. It is what it is, just as much as I can't control my height (but I can improve my posture) or my grey hair (but I can dye it). I'll make the absolute most out of my current single status, but acknowledging reality is neither a whining complaint nor a cry for complimentary platitudes. I know why I haven't gotten married yet - I've needed this time to grow and learn. I am an amazing woman now, far better than I was a year ago, and I am sooooo glad I didn't meet Mr. Right a moment sooner.

Please join me in embracing the awesomeness of what's there and letting go of what we can't control. And thank you, as always, for your love and good intentions. I appreciate it.

Beating the Winter Blues

Remember how I used to blog?

*sigh*

Me too, friends. Me too. The last couple of months have been packed with adventures new and old: skiing lessons at Alta (ohhhh, such a story of the epic fail of my first one), voice lessons (yesterday's master class was fabulous!), an editing class that's making an even more nitpicky editor at work (as if such a thing were even possible, for reals), Sundance screenings, snowshoeing, cooking, crafting, and trying in general to just get on top of things (yay, chore chart for grownups!), all while trying to beat the winter blues.

Ah, yes. The winter blues. Does anyone else get sidelined by these? I just attributed them to the snow the last couple of years here in Utah, but this winter they feel more brutal than usual - and there's nary any snow to scapegoat this time around. What is the deal? Getting up in the morning is the biggest battle I face all day, all I want are comfort foods and sweets, my self-control is weakened... and overall, I just feel blah. Which is no fun. I miss my bubbly, chipper self.

Any suggestions for beating the winter blues? I'm going to just have to step up the self-control (ahem, next week, of course) and get on top of all the things I know I ought to do to feel better - avoiding sugars and starches like the plague, totally cutting the caffeine (although I am drinking less Diet Pepsi than my former normal), working out every day, etc. All the things that I know will make me feel better... even though all I want to do is to curl up in bed with a good book and a cookie.

(Which is delightful, I might add.)

In other news, I'm "reading" (i.e. audiobooking) the most fascinating find! Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy - heard of it?

It's seven sessions in which Jackie Kennedy sat down with White House historian Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., and talked about JFK's political (and personal) life four months after his assassination as part of a massive oral history Schlesinger compiled on the president. It is absolutely captivating!!! According to Jackie's wishes, the tapes sat sealed for half a century, released recently to commemorate the 50th anniversary of JFK taking office. It's one thing to read about the Kennedy presidency or all of the things that took place during that administration - Bay of Pigs invasion, the space race, fighting Communism, Asian tensions that led into the Vietnam War, etc. - and something entirely different to listen to the First Lady discuss it in her charming, softspoken, ladylike voice. I have nothing but admiration for Jacqueline Kennedy, the strength and grace she showed in dealing with her husband's murder and providing her family with some sense of normalcy while living within the fishbowl of the White House. She speaks of the kind of wife she was - creating a joyful, stress-free space for Jack, not picking his brains about policy and politics, unlike other first ladies like Eleanor Roosevelt, Hillary Clinton, and the like.

Anyways. Fascinating. Makes me long for the world of the late '50s/early '60s, when some things were considered sacred, when being a lady was admirable and expected. I wish I could be more like that!

My Love-Hate for the Holidays

I have such an intense love-hate relationship with the holiday season. On the one hand, I absolutely ADORE the holidays. They really are magical!!! It's so fun to get into the season and enjoy the camaraderie and celebration and giving that happens during this time of year. Shopping and wrapping presents, baking up a storm, decorating - LOVE it all. My favorite thing all year is throwing an annual party for my friends. In California, I did a "cookie party" each year. Since being roommates with Christina, we've broadened the scope to an amazing, full-blown Christmas party, complete with lots of food, games, and even a service project. Planning that thing is my favorite part of the year!!! Chris and I started discussing it back in October, I think, and it's going to be all kinds of awesome. That party really is what makes Christmas special for me! It's so fun to throw my whole heart into creating something special for my friends.

But at the same time, the holidays just magnify the aloneness I feel where family is concerned. While I have relatives aplenty who I love, including two sets of parents and two wonderful siblings, I don't feel like a part of a "family." I haven't been included in a family unit since childhood, really. Even as a teen, I was a free agent, arranging who I spent holidays with on my own. It is what it is, and I can't do anything to change it, but that doesn't take away the sting that comes each year around this time. So many people are so sweet and kind and welcoming, inviting me into their celebrations so I'm not alone, but honestly, that makes it harder! It stings to see the joy and sense of belonging that come in those familial bonds - joy and security I lack. Holidays with my family are too painful, and so staying on my own has become the lesser of two evils.

It's the better choice for me at this point in my life, and it is a conscious choice - but that doesn't mean it is ideal, either. Frankly, it kinda ticks me off, because there really isn't a good choice. All I want is my own family - a loving husband, fun in-laws, my own children, my own home. I want people to spoil rotten and to receive all this love I want to lavish, but for which I lack an outlet. It isn't even like I have nieces and nephews to spoil, y'know? Families can be so beautiful and wonderful, and I can't wait to create that someday. For now, I'll just keep on keeping on - and sincerely hoping that this is the last year I have to do it alone.

(Thanks for letting me vent, friends. Sometimes I just need a hug, and there's no one to ask for one, so the digital listening ear is much appreciated.)

Forget You, Flu!

There are few things I hate more in the world than being sick, for the record.

For one who leads an immensely busy, full life, there is nothing more frustrating than hitting a roadblock. I can hardly believe that five days ago I hiked 10 miles, including going over a dryfall or two (thanks to the assistance of some manly men) and squeezing through a couple of slot canyons.

Today, thanks to a smidgen of the flu, it's taking an immense amount of energy to sit at my desk and write/edit instead of curling up and napping. And that's after taking off work a few hours early on Tuesday and sleeping 21 hours in the last day and a half.

Bah. No me gusta.

Sick of Homesickness

Well, friends, today is a big, red-letter anniversary: it's been three months since I rolled into Lehi to start my new life.

I had such grandiose plans to blog about all the amazing aspects of the life I've got up here - the fun new friends I've met (some of whom impress me so much!), the phenomenal job that I simply adore (pretty much my favorite of all the ones I've had - finally, a job with fun work, great colleagues and a decent paycheck!), and the gorgeous home in which I get to hang my hat (thanks, Mas and Ang, for taking me in!!!). And maybe tonight I will.

But for now, as much as I see the wonderful things in my life up here, and as much as I recognize that the heyday of my Orange County life had faded, I am still so painfully homesick, so keenly aware of feeling alone. Last night I attended a Super Bowl party at my friend Mark's place with about 20 of my friends, followed by the weekly round of group games like we do each Sunday night (SUCH a delightful tradition!!!). It was an absolute blast - and yet, when I got in my car, with my OCMCO CD playing one of my favorite songs, oh my goodness, all I could do was cry!

And so I did. Once home, I went inside, bundled up, sat on the porch, gazed at the stars and cried 'til I could cry no more. I don't understand why I had to up and leave a life I loved. I really, truly don't. I *get* that my life here is so much better in so many ways from what I left. I know that moving here was part of God's plan for my life, and I've been trying to make the most of it. But I still miss home so much - not only the friends and family, but the culture, the diversity, the beach, and even the little things like the cherished vistas of the valley where I lived, the site of Saddleback, palm trees. I loved my life there. Loved it so dearly. And I know that I can grow to love my life here like that in time - after all, I sure didn't love Orange County initially and only planned to be there as a stop along the road anyways - but I'm just not there yet.

I'll keep proceeding, one step at a time, and hopefully in time, the homesickness will fade. But today? Just know, California friends, that I miss you so, so very much.

And I promise a more upbeat Q1 report coming tonight, since I'm sure you're all getting sick of my whining.

Manic Mondays

Why is it that some Mondays are such a challenge?

Today I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed - I've been a smidge annoyed all day, feeling so frustrated with some things that have been on my mind lately, and it seems like the simplest of tasks or communications are turning into big obstacles today!

I'll share a little Monday encounter, but I know everyone has these kinds of Mondays - feel free to share yours!

Simple task: inviting a friend to Disneyland.

How it got complicated: The friend's first response is "Who all's going?"

A valid question? Absolutely - but ooooooh, that is such a pet peeve of mine! I've had bad experiences with that one - what I hear is "You're not good enough company, so I'm going to wait to decide until I hear who else is coming."

And it's a Monday. I'm more prickly than usual today.

So, teasingly, I text back, "What, I'm not fun enough company for you?" It was intended with a little wink and smile...

... but wink-and-smile tones don't come across with plain texts. And although I send a second text with who is coming, it's too late - my friend's response is "Wow, way to read too much into my question."

I reply that I was just kidding - and it's a pet peeve of mine.

Friend responds with "It bothers you when someone else asks who's going? I'll have to remember that."

And this is when less is more - but, feeling sheepish, I backpedal and attempt to explain why it's a pet peeve, how it implies that the invite isn't good enough on face value.

And now? I just plain feel like an idiot!

I share this encounter simply to illustrate how the littlest molehills can somehow inadvertently become such mountains. It's so ridiculous! It's like, this conversation shouldn't have gotten so difficult - I should have just shut my mouth in the first place.

You live, you learn, right?

Anyone else have some fun Monday anecdotes?

PS: Should have read my horoscope earlier - "Your big ideas about love can be tested today as you present your ideas to others. You know that some of your thoughts don't mesh with the conventional way of looking at everything. It doesn't scare you to be different and you may even enjoy defending your positions. Just don't be so inflexible that everyone avoids you because you are stubborn." Boo. Why didn't I see that this morning, before I was inflexible and prickly?!

Having Patience with Being Patient

Being the type of person who makes things happen sometimes has serious drawbacks.

I'm such a Type A, red personality (well, red/blue) that I've found great success doing what it takes to get what I want academically and professionally.

Unfortunately that doesn't so much work with people and relationships.

Sparing the details, I'm facing something where I have to sit on my hands and do nothing - which is soooooo not my M.O.! I've been doing better at being patient lately... but I'm feeling so impatient and frustrated with it today.

So, I ask you - what do you do to get your mind off of something you can't control and just wait patiently? I figure, I have smart, amazing friends - I'd love to get some of your advice.

What Can You Buy for $1,060?

Not ten days after replacing Alfredo's water pump, I found myself back in my mechanic's shop this afternoon.

Diagnosis: Alfredo needed a new alternator.
Price tag: $400.

On the way home, I added up all of my automotive fixes since August: $1,060 for brakes, a water pump, two serpentine belts, an alternator and an oil change (for good measure).

HOLY CRAP!!!

Now, I understand that this is all part of the owning-a-10-year-old-car territory, but still... That's 20 trips to Wicked. 100 trips to the movies. 75 dinners at any of the mid-range dining establishments I so enjoy (Outback, Mangia Bene, Bad to the Bone, etc.). Airplane tickets to Europe. A really decent trip to New York City. A new laptop. An amazing new wardrobe. A gym membership for, like, a decade.

It's just plain painful. And it's more than 20 percent what the car cost in the first place!

Of course, on the bright side:


I shouldn't have to see my mechanic again until January or February. *knock on wood*

I have a great mechanic whose office has really, really comfortable couches - perfect for curling up with a laptop or book. I know. I've spent a lot of time there.

And, all of these repairs came when working at the PR job, not at the paper. Had they happened back when I was at the Reg, wow, I don't even know what I'd do!

So, it all works out in the end... but... bleck. Anyone else had so much car fun? Anyone?

Priceless

New water pump for Alfredo, my Altima: $380

Two new serpentine belts for Alfredo: $90

A full tank of gas: $50

Knowing that tomorrow I can drive to my great-grandma's funeral in L.A. and my roommate's wedding reception near Bakersfield without worrying that my car's going to blow up: Priceless.

When It Rains...

I am grumpy.

Why, you ask, am I so danged grumpy?

• My great-grandmother died. Not unexpected, but crappy nonetheless.
• Her memorial service is at the exact same time as my roommate's wedding, forcing me to choose between the two. I'm totally bummed at missing out on the bridesmaid experience, but what else could I do?
• My brother was incredibly and unnecessarily rude and just plain mean to me after I asked if he was coming to the funeral. I was looking forward to maybe seeing him; he said he wasn't coming mostly because he didn't want to see me, since I'm such a horrible person, basically. Ouch. Now he is coming, which means I get to walk on eggshells around his explosive temper at the funeral so as to not make a mess of things. Yeah... because funerals are already so much fun.
• And then, this morning, my computer went kaput. So I'm stuck in the intern cube on the slowest computer EVER, waiting for the IT guy to come.

So, yeah... Not a fun week so far. Thanks for listening to my rant, though. Any one of these things wouldn't be a huge deal, but all together... it sucks.

Why is it that when it rains, it pours? Anyone else have some fun stories along these lines, when bad things pile on all at once?

*****************************

As an amendment to the last post: best friends are wonderful! The best de-grumpifier ever. I talked to Karen during my lunch break, and it seems like all that grumpiness evaporated. Thank goodness for good friends!!! :)

But I still want to hear about your rain-pour moments. At least tragedy + time = humor, right?