Gearing Up for Grandeur

How would you change your day-to-day life if everything you've dreamed of is just around the corner?

This is a thought that I've been chewing on a lot lately. After the blood, sweat, and tears of the last two years, including the aforementioned "physical therapy" phase, I'm finally able to breathe again and to enjoy the sweetness and magnificence that is my life—and with newly gained compassion, patience, insight, and wisdom.

And wonderfully sweet, exciting adventures lie so close in store, I can brush them with my fingertips!

But I've also had a jarring, eye-opening realization in the last week: what does it MEAN if these long-awaited blessings are just around the corner? Am I ready?

In my heart of hearts, I know that my life's on the brink of major, major changes once more. Remember how I felt this... and then this happened? (And events unfolded to make my life infinitely better than anything I could've imagined or realized?) I've gone through enough rounds of this to recognize the pattern.

Which means it's time to work with a laser-like focus on making weak things become strong.

Last week I read this Psychology Today article that examined why/how "bright girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up—and the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses... [because] more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice."

Sigh.

This article hit me profoundly because that is the story of my life! I've always been very, very bright—and, ultimately, it's been detrimental. I have limited myself SO much by not pushing past the limits of my comfort zone and only playing to my strengths. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I just avoid it or brush it off: "I'm just terrible at sports." "I can't do math to save my life."

My eyes are so painfully opened and aware of my weaknesses that I've ignored for this very reason. There are certain things that I've just given into, more or less—knowing I could do better but settling for this complacent mediocrity because, to some degree, I guess I don't believe I can do it. Sad, sad, sad.

Thankfully, the article goes on to discuss what is my new goal: "No matter the ability—whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism—studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Examples abound of friends who have persevered over major obstacles to achieve great things, or who push past their disdain of the work to enjoy the result that work inevitably brings, whether it be running or school work or health issues.

If they can do it, I can too.
Right? In theory?

So, here's to sucking it up, buckling down, and working on becoming amazing. Or, as Sara Bareilles puts it, being BRAVE.

Spring Awakening

"Does a snake mourns the skin it sheds as it grows? Or a butterfly—does it hesitate when breaking free from its chrysalis and flying onward and upward?"

These are the thoughts I find myself pondering tonight. Glorious as it may be, growth means departing from the familiar and moving into the unknown, trusting that great things are ahead but not really knowing what that means. And for someone who struggles to let go of the reins, venturing into the unknown world alone is about as terrifying and uncomfortable as it gets!

The end of 2012 dovetailed with a life chapter's closing, and while I charged headlong into the new year with big hopes and aspirations... life had other plans (including two months of bronchitis). Six weeks ago I finally stepped into some semblance of a normal life, and... it's been a start-and-stop process ever since, relearning to what it means... well... to be me. 

I guess when you break a bone and reset it, there's inevitably a period of physical therapy, right? The fracture has healed, and that old, pesky limp is FINALLY gone, but the atrophied muscles have to awaken and regain their strength, and it takes so much patience and perseverance to get back to running and kicking and swimming and dancing and all those good things. And none of those will feel or function quite how they did before, nor should they.

Well... I suppose my heart, mind, and spirit are in something akin to physical therapy.

It's weird, picking up the pieces and moving forward into life again after a year spent on hold—breaking down to the core, working through heartbreaks, treasuring every moment with my sweet grandmother, transitioning into a new phase of complete independence. I didn't realize just how dearly I needed the connection and purpose and belonging I felt in Grandma's last months... and now... it's just me again. No roommates. No place in a family unit. No debt. No emotional obligations. I've never been so wholly independent in every sense—which is both liberating and isolating. 

As much as I try to look at everything as an opportunity... it's not easy. Most of the time I feel kind of lost. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things... but I don't have the desire to push as hard as I once could. Busy is not a badge I like to wear anymore. Slowing down is great... except when it reminds me that I'm alone. Keeping the "nobody loves you" gremlins at bay is a frequent battle. I know in my head that I'm dearly loved by many... but when my days come and go with little meaningful connection to others, it gets tough to really believe that in my heart.

New friendships have helped immensely—I've been adopted into a wonderful group that fits so well, and we do dinner twice a week plus play games on Sunday nights—but there again, it's a mixed blessing. New relationships require patience and effort and vulnerability—and goodness knows I feel vulnerable enough as it is just existing these days! I'm finally authentic and comfortable in my skin... but what it means to "be myself" is new, too. I'm not who I was a year ago (or six months ago, even). Just skimming my blogposts from as recent as December... man. That feels like ancient history. Even the focus on my "30 by 30" list—who was that girl?! So much of it seems silly and trivial now in the grand scheme of things. Familiar, good things are snapping back into place, like a desire to bake again Sunday for the first time in ages. But the deeper, emotional things are all new.

And it's funny, because when I get out of my own way and just LIVE, I do wonderfully. People tell me I'm amazing frequently... and I'm not trying for that feedback. I'm just being myself. But when I think about it, that's when I second-guess and wobble and fall—getting scared, wanting to run away and hide in my condo, where it's safe. And don't even get me started on dating!!! So many false starts lately that ultimately lack real traction and potential... but hope still prevails. It'll happen when it happens, and when it does, it'll be glorious.

Meanwhile... I just keep trekking along. Usually I like imparting of some overarching insight or wisdom when wrapping up a blogpost, but this time? I got nothing, kids. I'm making life up as I go! And, really, I guess that's the best insight of all, because that's reality. It's all we're asked to do—no more, no less.

But I will leave you with a couple gems I've found of late:

"You're going to become more tolerant with time, and not only because you have more to tolerate in yourself. Because life will batter you and you'll have a surer sense of what's important and has meaning and is good."—Peggy Noonan, 

Wall Street Journal

And...

How to Talk to Girls (and Other Words of Wisdom)

This kid could teach some lessons to most of the single guys whose dating (and, hey, even just friendship) paths have crossed mine in recent years. Seriously. GENIUS!



So, speaking of dating... gotta share some game-changing experiences and insights of late.

To set up the context, I don't know the last time that my love life was a complete blank slate. Even when I made major state-to-state moves, there was almost always some lingering crush or long-distance relationship that I hoped would pan out down the road. Life's been such nonstop crazy since I moved in August that I have yet to start a new social life in town. But now that the dust is settling, I feel overwhelmingly that it's time for a new chapter of my life to begin.

And this is going to be the best chapter yet, friends! I'm so thrilled to see what's ahead, I can barely stand it!!! Giddy is an understatement.

But first, I had to clear up one lingering question mark: newfound interest in an amazing guy friend. Whether we'd be a match had yet to be determined, but guys of his caliber don't come along every day, so... I boldly sent him a more sophisticated take on "Do you like me? Check yes or no." He went for no, but good glory, friends, I've never been so thrilled for a rejection in all my life!!! After sending off the note, I seriously felt... ambivalent? I don't know how to explain it. Either outcome was a fabulous option, and both were better than this tepid wasteland of uncertainty. I felt strongly, though, that his answer was secondary to the fact that I'd dared greatly. I followed a distinct impression toward a path of action that scared the daylights out of me, and I lived to tell the tale--no regrets! I get to just plain enjoy this awesome friendship without any of that weirdness what creeps in with "what are we?" confusion.

Now I get to dive into the Provo/Orem social scene completely and totally unfettered by any outstanding emotional entanglements--and, better yet, I get to put into action all of the lessons learned from my crash course in dating along with all the insights, healing, and joy found in the new heart I've built since the old one shattered last spring. I've changed so much in the last year, it's startling. Was the process brutal? Yes--but now I get to enjoy the payoff of the blood, sweat, and tears: WISDOM. Dude. There is no putting a price tag on that gem!!! It truly is priceless.

And let's not forget the other payoff: CONFIDENCE. Seriously, how can you ever gain it except to take that risk, challenge your status quo, and succeed?! Nothing is a bigger factor in being attractive, either, than confidence--knowing that you're a good person doing good things in the world, making the most of the raw material at your fingertips. I've had this flurry of lightbulb moments in the last month, and one of the brightest moments was finally believing, no holds barred, that I am worthy of love and belonging, which is the key to true joy and connection in life. It sounds silly to revel in the knowledge that you're awesome, but anyone who knows my story well knows it's been a 30-year battle to get here. I had some ridiculously hard battles to fight literally from the cradle, but the beauty is that I've done it. I'm not a victim. I am a victor, and I have created a phenomenal life filled with more joy than I ever knew was possible. Life is truly good, friends. So humbled and blessed.

And so excited to put into practice all of these game-changing insights, including these newly gelled winners:

• Don't reject yourself before the guy/girl can. Know the saying "whether you think you can or can't, you're right"? Same idea. Too often we discount our own value and figure the other person wouldn't be interested anyway, so why bother? And so we go for the safety of the friend zone before giving any potential a chance to play out. I totally did this with the aforementioned friend when we first met. After nearly a year of friendship, there's enough foundation to know it's nothing more, but right when meeting someone, there's no way to know! So instead of defaulting to the assumption that it's a friendship--or doing the flipside of falling head over heels for someone you don't even know--just be open. Don't be too quick to affix labels. That first bit of knowing someone is fact-finding. Just enjoy it for what it is, because you never get to return to that blank slate with that person again!
• Worrying and overthinking are surefire roads to disaster. Trust me. If either were Olympic sports, I'd have a boatload of gold medals. Overthinking is a defense mechanism, seeking to make certainty out of something that is inherently uncertain. The more you replay the tape and overanalyze, the more confusing it gets. Worrying is a total energy-waster, too. It might feel like you're actively working on something, but you're not. Switch off the brain, trust your intuition, and just enjoy watching how things unfold. Your energy is better expended in improving what you bring to the table as a partner, since that's just about the only thing you can control in a relationship.
• Trust that your awesomeness will attract the right person. It's that simple. Think of the word "attraction" beyond its dating definition. It's something whose inherent appeal draws the right thing, like a magnet attracting metal. Attraction in dating should be that simple, organic, and effortless. The magnet doesn't do some sort of dog-and-pony show to entice the metal. It doesn't try to morph itself into a different substance that will click with some other target. Granted, magnets don't have brains or emotions to do any of that anyway... but you get the point. All of us (well, except for sociopaths) have some degree of insecurity, especially in this arena. It's natural. But make the effort to overpower that negative impulse with positivity! You can't control other people's actions, interest, reactions, etc. Don't chase after someone who doesn't feel a draw toward you, especially when that could disconnect you from someone who actually does feel drawn into your orbit. All you can do is to play your own cards well and then rest assured that the best thing for you will shake out in whatever form and timeframe. Everyone--EVERYONE--deserves to be at the receiving end of head-over-heels, crazy-stupid love. Seriously, why on earth would you settle for anything less than that?! As Oscar Wilde brilliantly put it, "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly NORMAL human being?" It's not just the material of Hollywood fairytales. I've seen countless case studies in that kind of love among my nearest and dearest who married well. So sit back and enjoy the journey to that kind of happy ending!
• Have fun! Seriously. Life is a mixed bag, and we can't control circumstances--but we have a heck of a lot more control over our joy level than we often accept. Choose to see the silver linings. Choose to assume the best of people and of situations. Choose to believe that you're awesome--and if you think it, why on earth would anyone disagree? Choose to own your story and to let others own theirs. Mistakes and missteps shape our stories as much as the well-made decisions do. Don't stress. Just roll with it. Life is that we might have joy, and that joy comes from within. Whether it fills your heart or not is up to you--and that kind of radiance is way more attractive than a dour, downcast countenance!

So, here's to a new, clean page in my dating saga. I'm beyond thrilled to break from the past patterns and see how this next chapter will unfold!

Lost and Found

Looking back at 2012, one theme sticks out: loss.

In the course of the past year, I lost hope for relationships with key family members (including straight-up estrangements for most of the year), lost a chance at love (although, if we're being honest, I dodged a bullet with that one), lost my health for several months, my team lost the election (grrrr!!!), and, a few weeks ago, I lost my grandmother, who was my family, best friend, and primary example in life. Oh, and just today I got the news that my grandmother's children are selling her cabin in Island Park—my lifelong haven and refuge—so that's another devastating loss for 2012. Even happy things, like moving to my delightful condo, involved loss—losing the happiest home situation I've ever had, living with my best friend in a place filled with joy and warmth.

So to you, 2012, I have two words: Peace out!

Now, onto the beautiful blank state of 2013 (which I'm kicking off with a one-night stay at the Hotel Del Coronado—hello, bucket-list item!!!)

I've decided that this new year is going to be MY year. As devastating as loss can be, it brings a certain degree of liberation. The voids left by losses can be opportunities to create better, brighter, beautiful possibilities—and I'm going to make finding them the focus of this new year.

Specifically:

• Finding Health and Wealth—Two of my biggest Achilles' heels in life seem to be fitness and finances. Honestly, both stem from a shared root issue: a lack of self-discipline and delayed gratification. This year I plan to attack both with a vengeance!
• Finding Love—And by love, I broaden that scope beyond romance, because love is so much bigger than that. My life is filled with love, and yet too often I either discount available love because it's not the source I crave (i.e. friends instead of family), or I get frustrated with love offered because it's not exactly what I want from that particular individual. I need to work on accepting what love people offer—no more, no less—while trusting in God's goodness to provide what I do need, even when it comes from unexpected places. (And if an unexpected place does happen to be that tall, dark, handsome "Mormon prince" I've been awaiting... well... fabulous!)
• Finding Meaningful Ways to Serve—Rebuilding my broken heart necessitated an inward focus for much of 2012, but I finally feel like I can breathe again! The dust is settling, and with that, I really want to get outside of myself. The two consistent services I did in 2012 were family history and temple work, which are incredibly fulfilling and fabulous, so I want to get back to those. But above and beyond that, I want to serve those within my sphere in whatever way possible. I have so much love to give and need to find great outlets for it.
• Finding My Voice—I've had an idea for a book bouncing around in my brain for ages now, but I still needed to gain some experience in order to pull it off. I think the time has arrived to put pen to paper and up my Writer (with a capital W) street cred by writing my book.
• Finding Peace and Comfort in the Atonement—Christ's Atonement is magnificent and marvelous, but as much as I appreciate it, I still don't fully tap into its strength and power, especially as a source of infinite love, peace, and comfort. I struggle to trust what I can't see, and that's a flaw that really needs to fall away this year.
• Finding Serenity in Uncertainty—Whew, trust is a BIG struggle for me, quite possibly my biggest. I have such a hard time believing things will work out, even when I have so many case studies of when they did. So instead I expend sooooo much energy overthinking and overanalyzing in an attempt to make certainty out of something inherently uncertain. Well, that has GOT to stop, because I seriously become my own worst enemy in those instances! Here's to letting go and learning to TRUST wholeheartedly, no fear, no regrets.
• Finding the Hows—It was a glorious moment a few weeks ago to realize that I've done it! I have, in many ways, become the woman I always wanted to be. It's such a wonderful feeling. Life is so much like hiking, and as the dust's started to settle on 2012, I've been enjoying the breather and the vista, appreciating how far I've come. Now it's time to get up and get back to climbing, looking for the specific, material ways to take that "becoming who I want to be" to the next level. If you're not progressing, you're regressing, and I want to keep moving forward into beautiful, wonderful things.

Here's to the most marvelous, wonderful, fabulous year yet, friends!!! Hope this next year brings you so much joy and love, too.

A Word on My Single Status

Friends, I feel like every time I say anything remotely related to dating or along the veins of saying that I'd like to be married, I need to give a disclaimer.

So I'm going to give this disclaimer once. Please listen and take note - and I'm sure your other single friends would concur.

Ready?

When your response to anyone's commentary on their own singleness is something along the lines of a platitude or patronizing remark about how "It'll happen at the right time..." or "Just have faith..." or "Aren't you so glad you can traipse around New York City while I'm at home potty-training an unruly toddler?!"

Please... and I say this with the most love in my heart possible...

Save your breath.

There.

I said it.

After 12 1/2 years of being in the marriage-obsessed LDS singles scene, believe you me, I've heard it all. I understand and appreciate that the comments and compliments are meant to lighten my load, but honestly, they don't.

Because I know undoubtedly that God is preparing an amazing, righteous, wonderful man for me. I know that he will be worth every bad date endured, every tear shed, every hope dashed painfully to pieces. The caliber of men I've dated in the last couple of years, coupled with the phenomenal guy friends in my life, assure me that there are still plenty of keepers out there. I don't opt into the "all the good ones are taken" philosophy. Mine's out there, and he'll come when he and I are both ready for it. Period. End of story. And I wouldn't have him come along a moment sooner.

Because if I'd wanted just to be married by now, I would be. I've had offers, guys. And I mean that pretty seriously, even if the relationships didn't have labels affixed. There's one in particular who would marry me this minute, and boy, I would be the most cherished, lucky lady in the world... except for that whole temple marriage thing. I can't budge there. Some things you just plain don't settle on.

Because when I say I could really use a husband right now to hold my hand as I face the passing of my grandmother, I don't mean it as an invitation for platitudes. You mean well. I get it. I appreciate it. But I'm not complaining. I'm just acknowledging reality. There is a difference. I want someone who will hold me as I cry. I need that now more than I ever have in my 30 years. There's not a person on whom I can call for that right now (well, in the same state as me, at least), and that stings. I'm tired of being strong and feeling like I have to do it all myself. I want someone who is mine forever and always, from whom I can claim protection, companionship, comfort, support, etc. and who I can, in return, love with all of my heart, who I can nurture and cherish, with whom I can just plain enjoy how fun and wonderful life can be. Even awful situations like a midnight ER run can be an adventure with the right company, as my best friend and I learned last weekend. Yes, I have amazing friends who are here for me. And I don't discount that. But they have lives - busy lives and families of their own. And due to how I was raised, my default assumption is that I'm bothering people if I ask anything of them. I've had a lifetime of self-sufficiency. I want someone to whom my life materially matters, and vice versa.

Because life is supposed to be a team sport. Remember that whole Adam-Eve thing about it not being good for man to be alone? It's right there at the start of the Bible for a reason - it's the most essential, basic part of this earth-life experience.

Because I am really, truly, blissfully happy with my life right now. It is amazing. I'm done waiting to let myself fully enjoy and embrace my happiness with life as it is right now. No more asterisks. No more "Everything's great... except I just need a good man." So please refrain from discounting my happiness and putting conditions on it for me, okay? My post about how blissful and perfect my Thanksgiving was this year elicited a comment about how "all it was missing was a good man, and that will come!" Gag. Me. I know she meant well, but... she really didn't need to remind me what I'm missing and then top it with trite words of "comfort." I'm not postponing my happiness. Please don't do it for me, either.

Because it'll happen when it's right, and really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am not worried about it. Do you have any concept of the energy I've expended in the last decade-plus, worrying about dating and crushes and trying to read between lines and decipher what's going on in the minds of the objects of my affection?! Can you imagine the amazing things I could have accomplished by channeling that into something productive?! Yeah. I don't want to regret wasted time and energy anymore, either. And after the last year, I'm out of extra emotional energy for the wasting anyway.

And, most of all, because I'm not going to pretend the lack's not there anymore than I'll let myself be defined by it. It is what it is, just as much as I can't control my height (but I can improve my posture) or my grey hair (but I can dye it). I'll make the absolute most out of my current single status, but acknowledging reality is neither a whining complaint nor a cry for complimentary platitudes. I know why I haven't gotten married yet - I've needed this time to grow and learn. I am an amazing woman now, far better than I was a year ago, and I am sooooo glad I didn't meet Mr. Right a moment sooner.

Please join me in embracing the awesomeness of what's there and letting go of what we can't control. And thank you, as always, for your love and good intentions. I appreciate it.

Growing Up

"I could really use a manual for adulthood right about now!" I thought exasperatedly, unsure of what I "should" be doing. What do you do when the call to say final goodbyes to Grandma comes while you're en route to a dress rehearsal for tomorrow's big Christmas concert?

Well, if you're me, you go to rehearsal and then pull the all-night bedside vigil. So here I sit, kids, listening to cheesy Christmas music while Grandma sleeps, unaware I'm in the room. My fingers are always so cold in the winter, I don't dare even touch her, lest she wake.

But I sit. I wait. I think and wonder what lies ahead. How exactly are you supposed to handle losing the person you love most in the whole wide world? The one constant in your 30 years, the one sure source of unconditional love (tough and no-nonsense as she is)? My grandmother has become one of my best friends, and the reality that she won't be here much longer is something my mind and heart can't quite grasp.

She'll never get to hear how Thursday's date goes. I'll never play Scrabble or Yahtzee with her again, or eat waffles slathered in peanut butter and syrup with her while sitting at the cabin's dining room table, watching the early morning fishermen on Henry's Lake. We'll never attend a temple session together again, each nudging the other awake. But the never-evers are almost worse to consider. She'll miss my wedding. My children will never get to meet her, nor will my future husband. Would she think he's good enough for me? I'll never get to ask. What on earth will I do without her as an oracle of sage wisdom and advice on everything from family to career to dating to cooking to health? We have such different personalities, and yet, I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

She moves her head. I perk up, hoping she might wake so I can say hi, but she keeps snoring, and I keep waiting. And wondering. It's a helpless feeling, having absolutely no clue what to do but to sit. But sometimes, just sitting and being still are all you can do.

Through Heaven's Eyes

"If a man lose ev'rything he owns, has he truly lost his worth? Or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth?"


Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see our lives through Heaven's eyes? That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and when the song from The Prince of Egypt popped up on my iTunes, I felt like I really should share it. I've been filled with introspection lately, both of growth within the past year and in reevaluating conclusions drawn about earlier situations in my life, and it's caused me to appreciate so deeply the path my entire 30 years have taken, heartbreaks especially included. I love looking back and seeing how much God's hand has been in the details of my life, even though I've been at a loss to make sense of what was going on in the moment, whether it was moving back to California for high school (which, at the time, seemed like an absolute death sentence!!!) or the series of events that led me to move back to Utah three years ago, something I'd SWORN I'd never do.

As Marilyn Monroe once wisely said, "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together." That pretty much sums up the last year of my life. The most vital characteristics and virtues we need in life are shaped only through fiery trials, and while they're awful in the moment, the growth that comes out of it makes all the blood, sweat, and tears worthwhile. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 So, enjoy. I know that while we only see what's ahead of us, God truly is involved in the details of our lives, and we have to TRUST Him with everything in us that things can and will work out when the timing is right. What He has in store for us is so, so, so much greater than anything we could possibly imagine - and living life from a place of abundance rather than scarcity is a simply glorious way to be!

Through Heaven's Eyes

 A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

Nothing summarizes my year of working toward hitting 30 better than these famed words by Charles Dickens:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Sure, he was referring to the French Revolution and grandiose things that changed the world. I'm just talking about 12 months of my life - but, hey, still applies. My 29th year was, in so many ways, completely devastating and heartbreaking - letting go of longtime hopes on the family front, battling the reemergence of longtime health problems, falling hard for someone and then being left puzzled by something lovely unraveled. Oh, and all of those came to a head at the same time. Overwhelming is an understatement! I literally cried every day for about six weeks during the worst of it. Basically everything between December and May is a hazy blur. I feel like I lost a season of my life.

But at the same time, all of that heartbreak came with immense illumination. I could never have become the stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more patient version of myself without wading through those experiences. More on that in #4.

And so, without further adieu, here's a recap of where I stand on each of my "30 by 30" goals:

1. Become a "True Aggie."
   
   
   DONE!!! Thank you, Patrick, darling. Taxes AND True Aggiedom all in one weekend? He's pretty amazing like that. :) We've been friends (and sometimes more) for almost a dozen years now, and I absolutely adore the guy. So glad we managed to make this happen before he moved out of state!
   
   
2. Visit five new states. Sadly, I failed on this one. I did add Georgia to the list, but that was all. Plenty of travels - Southern California, Seattle, Denver, Tetons, Yellowstone - but not much new territory covered.
   
   
3. Go on 30 dates.
   
   
   DONE!!! It was an amazing journey, too. More on that here. I've been on quite a few dates since then, too, and I love it! Dating is such a fun way to expand horizons and get to know people on a different level than in "the friend zone," even if you only go on a date or two with a person. Admittedly, it's taken me a long time to shake off the disappointment (and continuing confusion) of one of the guys, but I'm looking forward to diving into my new life in Orem, getting back out there, and making the most of my last year in the YSA world. (For you non-LDS folks, we get kicked out of singles congregations at 31. The pressure is on!)
   
   
4. Become my authentic self. DONE!!! This was, hands down, the biggest challenge on the list. It meant opening up a Pandora's box and working through the disappointments and heartbreak I've swept under the rug for a lifetime. But I stepped up to the challenge, and it's been the most rewarding - albeit heartbreaking - thing I've ever done. I've done well by myself where this is concerned. Am I perfect? No. But I'm doing my absolute best to be true to myself, and that's enough.
   
   Furthermore, I've learned that letting go, while disappointing, is sometimes all you can do. It's so, so, so vital for sanity's sake to recognize what you can and can't control, and to learn to be comfortable with the unknown. I'm still working on it, but I'm definitely better at it now than I was a year ago. And nothing is forever! Relationships - familial, friends, romantic - evolve and change. Goodness knows I've had enough people cycle in and out of my life at various times. So stepping away from a loved one for now doesn't mean they won't circle back later. The upside is that when they do circle back, it's because they realize your value. Chasing after them will never accomplish that. We all deserve to be loved and cherished by those we love and cherish. Reciprocity is sooooo important in all areas of life. Sometimes we'll give more than we take, but it should balance out in the aggregate.
   
   
5. Attend the temple at least 30 times.  DONE!!! I also started working my way through all the temples in Utah, and I've only got three left there (St. George, Monticello, and Oquirrh Mountain - although I have been to St. George and Oquirrh Mountain before, just not in this go-around).
   
   
6. Learn to ski. DONE!!! Well, attempted, at least. And I hated every minute of my miserable day on the slopes. But, hey, I did give it a try, at least.
   
   
7. Drive Route 66. Boo! Didn't happen. Honestly, I'm glad, because I've needed to have flexibility with my PTO this year. But I should be able to make this happen in the spring. I'm itching to hit the open road for a few weeks and explore!!!
   
   
8. Go on a cruise with my best friends. Nope. But at least Haas and I got to visit Tabitha in Georgia, which was lovely, and I now live 5-10 minutes from Rebecca (we both moved to Orem the same week!). I absolutely love these three women (only two pictured below - we need a more current quartet shot!). They are my foundation, and I am so ridiculously blessed to have them in my life! Hopefully we can get away for girls' weekends annually when their kids get a little older...
   
   
   
   
9. Be debt-free. Working on it - should be by 31.
   
   
10. Sew what? No, my sewing machine just kept gathering dust. But now that I have a craft room and a sewing table, this one should get in motion. After all, I've got a home to decorate now! Planning to make my own curtains and pillows for the living room.
    
    
11. Get at least one really, really good kiss.
    
    
    
    You'd think, right? 30+ dates with 20-something guys, and I should've managed at least ONE?! But I don't kiss quickly or outside the context of a relationship, True Aggie-ness excepted (and we were so down to business about it!). I did have good chemistry with one of the guys, but we didn't get past holding hands (awwwww... presh). So. Let's throw this on the list again.
    
    
12. Hike Mt. Washburn. Health problems sidelined me through much of the last year, and by the time my strength was back, I was too swamped to make time for these hikes. However, I will be accomplishing this one on my upcoming Idaho trip. [UPDATE: DONE!!! As my blistered feet can attest. Totally worth it, though. Veni, vidi, vici, folks. And guess who bought a National Parks pass?! Soooo excited!!!]
    
    
13. Hike the Y. See #12 - planning to go with Stacy soon, to make up for our failed attempt at graduation ages ago.
    
    
14. Hike Timp. See #12. My company goes every fall, so I figured I'd join in there, but it's not happening this year! So I'll have to get some friends to try this before it gets too cold.
    
    
15. Read 30 books. Hmmmm... close, but not quite. According to Goodreads, I read 20 books since last August. I might have missed reporting one or two in there, but still, I didn't quite hit 30. Darn!
    
    
16. Finish the Book of Mormon twice. Halfway there? I finished it once and am working on another go-around.
    
    
17. Get starstruck. Well... I downloaded a star app and did a good amount of stargazing this year, including enjoying the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night in the Tetons (one of the most exquisite celestial experiences of my life!). But I didn't study up on this like I'd wanted.
    
    
18. Lose 30 pounds. Boo, health problems! I didn't lose 30 more, but I did manage to maintain last summer's weight loss for the most part. I discovered the awesomeness of the paleo diet and really love how I feel when I'm skipping glutens and sugar - but it's hard to do that when you're crunched for time! Hoping to get back to that when things settle down in a few weeks.
    
    
19. Make time to WRITE. Nope. Heartbreak zaps all of my desire and sparkle to write. So beyond finishing a personal narrative from last summer, this didn't happen (although I did journal a bunch during the Mr.24-29 episode). And I'm still in repair, but hopefully I can make this a priority for my 30s in general. I love writing!!!
    
    
20. Just dance. Not as much as I'd like. I did discover yoga this year, so yay for that! I do best in a structured class environment, so I'm hoping to do zumba at the Orem Rec Center a bunch and get back in the swing of attending Ballet Blast, though. Feels sooooo good!
    
    
21. Sing, sing, sing.
    
    
    
    DONE!!! Ah! Finally! Another success. This one had a few success iterations, too - singing with Lehi Chorale last Christmas, taking voice lessons (if only for a little while), getting into the audition-only Mapleton Chorale for this year (we're a couple weeks into rehearsals, and I LOVE it!!!). Feels amazing to have choral singing back in my life again weekly. I quite love it.
    
    
22. Put my clothes away in the closet, not on the floor. DONE!!! Well... at least I was... and then I got close to moving and stopped caring, haha. But my new bedroom has so much space! I have a double closet that takes up the entire length of my room, complete with built-in shelves and whatnot. No excuse to not be on top of this.
    
    
23. Reinstate "Christa Dates." DONE!!! I go through busy-busy waves and need to get better/consistent with this, but one of the lessons learned with the health problems is to listen to my poor body and learn to slooooooow dooooooooown sometimes. So I've learned to make plans by myself, whether it be going to a movie, taking a canyon drive, or browsing the outlets in Park City. Extroverted as I am, that alone time is golden.
    
    
24. Stop snoozing. Bahahahaha... no. Such a hard habit to break! Still working on it...
    
    
25. Give up the Diet Pepsi once and for all. DONE!!! And then my life got insane this month with moving and traveling... and I got back on the bottle. Curses!!! I'll have to go through the withdrawal process all over again in a week, when I give it up again after Labor Day. Not a pretty sight, but I did feel better not needing the fix to wake up my brain.
    
    
26. Write in my journal weekly. Not so much - which is funny, because usually writing is sooooo therapeutic for me to process stuff. But I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with stuff in real time and then reliving it on paper. So... now that I'm back to good, I should get on top of this again.
    
    
27. Learn to poach an egg.
    
    
    DONE!!! My darling friend Emily was sweet enough to film a tutorial for me, and I did follow it step by step in order to make some amazing Eggs Benedict from scratch. So fun!!!
    
    
28. Make the most of my commute. DONE!!! I could've done this even more, but I did up my audiobooks and Church talk listening on the drive. It makes such a difference. Some of my favorites: the audio of Jacqueline Kennedy's interviews a few months after JFK's assassination, Tina Fey's Bossypants, and many a talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell.
    
    
29. Run a 5K. I did two 5Ks this year - Color Me Rad back in April, and then the Freedom Run in July - but health problems wiped me out from running and training as I'd hoped. Actually, it was when walking the color run left me flat on my back in bed for two days that I realized something was seriously wrong, healthwise. And now I'm fine! Really need to make this happen for the 30th year.
    
    
30. Channel my inner Annie Oakley. Nope, and I don't even have a good excuse other than a busy schedule and other priorities. Hopefully I can go shooting with my cousin this fall.

45 Life Lessons from a 90 Year Old

My friend Jessi posted this on Facebook, and it was too great not to pass along. Enjoy!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye... But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don’t forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Love of My {Professional} Life

It is a wonderful feeling to realize just how in love you are with the one to whom you're married.

Or, in my case, the one by whom I am employed. 

This week is Founders Week here at my company, which is a weeklong celebration of our company's history, culture, values, and all those special things that make us who we are. Between that and working on some company-centric projects (including our new-and-improving careers page, in which I've tried to put our unique culture into words and write a top-10 list of why someone would want to join our team), I've been filled with absolute adoration for my job all over again. What a huge blessing it is! I get to spend my workweek with hundreds of amazing, talented, fun people, and I love expending my energy for a company that truly values its employees. From past experience, I know just how rare and quality that is.

I've said it before, but there really are a plethora of parallels between dating and career. Maybe I see them so much because that's where I place probably 90% of my energy and focus, but the list goes on and on -- interviewing for a job is like a first date, some jobs end because of dealbreakers (like all of my jobs in California -- they all had draws that led me to get involved, but each had major drawbacks that I couldn't handle long term), and it gets easy to look back longingly at the good times of the past while glossing over the frustrations (or vice versa, in the case of one straight-up abusive job that still makes me shudder to this day!).

But a marriage? Well, I don't have first-hand experience with that one in the relationship sense... but I do love finally having found my match in my career. It's funny -- at first glance, I wouldn't have expected my company to be such a perfect fit. I mean, a property insurance software company? In Utah Valley, of all places? Truth be told, I applied as a back up, just in case I didn't get the glamorous social media PR job in Salt Lake that I truly wanted. Of course, as time has gone passed, I've been SO glad I didn't get that PR job -- agency life is a grind, and I really prefer working in a collaborative, in-house environment. And how often do I hear that advice in dating?! "Say yes to dates even if you aren't sure you'll be a match because you never know what you'll find upon getting to know someone better." "I never would've thought my husband would be The One until we started dating -- he wasn't at all what I imagined I'd want, but he's everything I need." "Don't worry if it doesn't work out -- you'll end up with the right one eventually." (Reminds me of the time I was thrilled to finally have plans with a crush -- only to go on a blind date the weekend before, get totally smitten, and end up going from the crush's house to a second date with Mr. Weekend. The crush is a great guy, but he's not the perfect fit like the date was - and I don't know that I would've picked the date out of a lineup as a great match if we'd just met in a social setting instead of being set up.)

But I digress.

Careers are so much like long-term relationships, too, in that you really have to work for them. I mean, duh, you'll work at work -- but I'm talking more about honoring the commitment you've made. Life is not all rainbows and sunshine. There are tradeoffs and deficiencies at any job, just like how you'll inevitably marry someone imperfect because no one is perfect. But how wonderful it is to be able to work through those slumps and frustrations, to watch things improve (which can only happen when there's longevity to create perspective), and to develop a bond of trust that comes with patient perseverance. There are so many more lessons to be learned in working through the ups and downs than there are by hopping around, and the payoff is so rich. It's rewarding to feel security, to know that your efforts are appreciated, to have reciprocity. It fosters an environment in which you can really let your guard down and give your all instead of worrying about layoffs, backstabbers, condescending bosses, and a number of things I've dealt with at other jobs. Here I feel safe. My coworkers are my friends; I enjoy spending time with them on and off the clock. Some of them are among my closest friends and confidantes these days. I love our campus here so much that I didn't leave until dark last night -- after a mediocre date, I opted to lay out on our lawn and read a book in the beauty of twilight instead of driving home. It feels like home.

I enjoy my job thoroughly and love coming to work -- and that joy and security permeate the rest of my life. I am constantly amazed and humbled by how many doors have opened in my life, thanks to this job, and how many ways it's made me a better person. (And the same can be said for my career overall. Hard to believe I resented it for so many years!!! Even the worst experiences have made for some of the best lessons.) Had you told me three years ago that this is how things would pan out, I wouldn't have believed it -- or at least I wouldn't have believed I'd be as blissfully happy as I am. But here I am, grateful as can be for a wonderful match.

I only hope that someday I can find a guy who's as constant, appreciative, and inspirational as my company is. I can't imagine settling for anything less!

Becoming Real

 Remember the childhood classic The Velveteen Rabbit? In perusing Brene Brown's powerful website, I just came across this gem from the book and wanted to share (emphasis added):

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

In a culture that constantly pushes us to fit to some idealized (and unrealistic) mold, it is a daily battle to fight to be Real. We think we're supposed to be polished and perfect, every hair in place, every word coming out scripted and making the effect we want it to make.

And then we strike against reality, in which we're all imperfect beings struggling to just do the best we can.

The last few weeks have been... interesting... as I've faced some of those "Holy crepe, how do I not have this figured out yet?!" moments -- hitting against a situation unlike any I've ever faced, feeling completely and wholly baffled on how to proceed, being so paralyzed by the fear of doing the wrong thing (or getting hurt) that I've doing nothing instead... and then, in the end, realizing how doing nothing was even more the wrong thing (of course), and having to swallow my pride and do my best to set things right again... hoping that I've succeeded (but only time will tell)... and realizing just how much I struggle with vulnerability.

I know that basically every person on this planet struggles with being vulnerable, because, well, we're wired that way. We want to self-protect. We want to put our guard up and be safe. But as Brene Brown wisely said, "Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love... You cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t numb the hard feelings without numbing the assets."

What assets? Joy, gratitude, happiness. The things that make life worth living.

I've got another post coming soon with more on this concept, but I wanted to share this thought for now. The only way to become Real is to let ourselves be loved -- to stay open to imperfection, to let ourselves get our hair mussed and our heart pricked, to courageously set aside fear and embrace the unknown. Yeah, it could mean heartbreak and disappointment -- but are love and belonging and connection worth the risk?

Because if you don't take that risk, you're never going to get it... and if you never get that, you'll never feel the joy of being Real, loved in all your shabby splendor.

The Mystery of Love

My darling friend Nicole blogged this a while ago, but it's so lovely and spot on that I just had to share the wise words - emphasis is mine. Enjoy!

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery why some loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again.

- Kent Nerbern

How 30 Dates Changed My Life

All dolled up for Date No. 29

When you think "life-changing feat," what comes to mind? Summiting Mt. Everest? Beating cancer? Giving birth?

For me, it was going on 30 dates in the last 14 months.

In the end, the big boon in the process has had less to do with the dates and more to do with the learning that's come with the journey - about myself, about relationships, about life. (Although the dates have been a ton of fun!)

So, here's the story: Last January, I went out with a man who was in Salt Lake to speak at an event for an interest we shared. Before he came, we'd made plans to go out afterward as colleagues and talk shop. Well, that conversation veered personal, and before I knew it, I was hearing almost daily via Facebook, texting, and phone calls from this amazing man more than a dozen years my senior who was, hands down, the most fascinating guy I'd ever met.

It was like a dream - after ages of feeling totally overlooked by guys, here was a well-known blogger and former diplomat with an amazing professional and personal reputation (even with his own Wikipedia page and an interview on the Mormon Channel's Why I Believe!!!) taking an interest in little ol' me. He was stunned when I said I hadn't dated much, and he complimented so many things I'd worried were liabilities, not assets - my intellectual curiosity, my enthusiasm, my ambition, my passion. I wound up flying to Los Angeles to go out with him again, and it was the best date of my life (up to that point, at least). To feel like I could match wits with and hold the attention of such an accomplished man did wonders. I joke now that he "unblocked my dating chi." Obviously that relationship went nowhere - shortly after my trip, he started chatting it up with his now-wife, although I did manage to squeeze Date No. 3 out of the deal - but it left its mark. Suddenly, for the first time, I had confidence in an arena I'd always considered an Achilles' heel.

And that confidence radiated.

In February 2011, I set the goal of going on 30 dates before my 30th birthday in August 2012. Because things stemmed from that initial January date, I counted retroactively from there. Mind you, I had never been on 30 dates in the prior 12 years of my dating life combined, so thinking I could manage 30 in 20 months was a stretch.

Little did I realize I'd finish a full five months ahead of schedule!!!

The cadence really was like a snowball - a few one-off dates through spring and summer, then a few each with two guys in fall/winter (along with more one-off dates mixed in there), and suddenly eight dates in the last month. It helped that I decided last March to really get out of my comfort zone and live, making the most of the 18 months standing between me and 30, whether it be attending brunch discussion groups in Provo (at which I met the guy responsible for Date No. 4) or asking a buddy on a double date to an art museum (Date No. 5) or being vivacious enough to catch the attention of a few guys from my ward. Some were friend-dates (including a few where I asked, like a casual lunch date with a longtime friend for Date No. 30), but most have been legitimate dates: the guy wasn't a buddy first, and he asked, planned, paid, etc. You know, the kind I could literally count on two hands before this year? It's been lovely!!!

In the mix were a few duds (who still were really nice, good guys - just not my taste), but the majority of the 17 guys behind the 30 dates have been absolute gems!!! I feel privileged to have spent quality one-on-one time with each, getting a glimpse into their worlds.

Like I said, the best thing to come out of this whole journey isn't so much the dates themselves, but rather the self-discovery process I've experienced. I am not at all the same woman I was one year ago! Here are some of my favorite lessons learned through the adventure (in addition to those I've already blogged):

There's No One Better to Be Than Yourself

Probably the biggest lesson to come out of this journey was how vital it is to just accept yourself, quirks and all. I remember being so anxious after one of the early dates because I felt so unsure after the fact, wearing my heart on my sleeve and being such a chatterbucket in stark contrast to my date, who was a blank slate. The next evening while out to dinner with my darling (and thoroughly no-nonsense) grandma, I gave her an earful about my insecurities, questioning whether it was a liability for me to be so intense and passionate, if that was something I should work to change. Her response was perfect - "Christa, that's just you. You've always been that way! It's not good or bad - it just is." Wow, how her words changed my world! Sure, there are always rough edges we could stand to polish and knock off - but there are some character traits that are innately us and that make us who we are. Could you imagine a Christa who isn't intense and passionate and talks a mile a minute, hands flying?! How boring would that be, right?! I just plain wouldn't be me. As Judy Garland wisely once said, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

It's so liberating to just come to peace with being who we are, for better or worse. Is that going to be a match for everyone? Definitely not. But will it attract the right person? Absolutely. My favorite of all the guys was someone who was actually a lot like me, from interests and tastes to mannerisms and enthusiasm. For crying out loud, we even phrased texts the same way! And what was so awesome was that it freed me up to be comfortably and perfectly myself, more than I'd been with any of the other guys. With him, I could be me in all my ridiculous glory (down to Wikipedia-ing the term for the smell of rain on pavement - petrichor, in case you were wondering - between bites of dessert) because he was the same kind of person. It was validating as all get out, not to mention ridiculously fun.

What Heats Up Must Cool Down

The biggest blunder I made along this journey was going on five dates with the same guy in one week. I've seen friends become insta-couples with success, so I didn't worry too much and got swept away in the moment. However, in hindsight, it was too much too fast. Not to use a cheesy analogy, but think of a microwave vs. a crockpot - one might heat things up in a jiffy, but microwaved food also cools off a lot faster than stuff simmered all day in a slow-cooker. Sure enough, I could sense him start distancing on Date No. 5 (which was supposed to be No. 2), and Date No. 6 included the "I'm not sure about this" conversation within an hour of seeing each other for the first time in nearly two weeks (I'd been out of town in between dates). Ironically, space was coming inevitably, thanks to a packed schedule ahead - I didn't have a free weekend for a month anyways - but... oh well. Chalk that one up to experience. No matter how much you want to see That Amazing Guy, just say no to more than one date a week at first, kids. Otherwise you risk burning out what could be a perfectly good thing with proper pacing.

There Are Lots of Frogs - But the Princes Make it Worthwhile (and the Frogs Make for Great Stories!)

Oh, dating. That old saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince is, sadly, incredibly true. Well, or in my case, you have to wade through a lot of frogs online who aren't even worth a date, go out with a range of guys along the frog-to-prince spectrum, and occasionally find an amazing prince among amphibians. For every guy I actually went on a date with from online, there were probably at least five more who I communicated with to some degree without ever meeting, exchanging a few emails that never ignited much interest. There were a couple guys who flew their creeper flags right off the bat - one to whom I prematurely gave my number texted me on a random Saturday morning, asking me to text him photos (ummmm, NO. Never. I'd die first!), and another who IM'ed me and right off the bat asked me if being 5'10 meant I was all legs (!). These situations, while somewhat offensive and annoying, got more laughter out of me than anything. It's like, seriously?!?! Is this actually happening?!

But, in the end, every experience is worthwhile. The bad ones make for the best stories - my date on No. 30 and I were swapping some doozies and laughing soooooo hard!!! - and then the good ones are just plain delightful. The 30 might have included some of my worst dates ever, but more importantly, it included the best dates of my life, both in terms of magical moments and quality men. And there were a lot of average-to-good dates in there that I enjoyed, too, even if they weren't anything particularly special. I still had fun and learned a lot about people and life in general with all of them. One guy is a physics grad student, so talking with him gave me insight into this whole other slice of the world that I haven't touched since my freshman year physical science class, for instance. One guy got the label "Mutual Ambivalence" - we always had a lot of fun together, but he never followed up on his "I'll call you soon" pledge until we ran into each other again at something involving mutual friends, and I wasn't interested enough to be too concerned either way. It keeps happening to this day, and I just laugh afterward every time.

If you asked me to choose my favorite of the 30, it'd be almost impossible. I think the most glamorous and grandiose was definitely when I went to L.A. We went to lunch at this chic little Greek restaurant in Larchmont Village, a district of the city that this native Angelena didn't even know existed! Sitting at a sidewalk cafe with crisp white linens across the table from a fascinating man, ensconced in animated, scintillating conversation, was amazing. The memory still brings a grin to my face! After lunch we drove around West L.A. to the place my date swore had the best fruit tarts in all of Los Angeles - and I think he was right. I'm not a big fruit tart fan, and these things were delicious!!! The date was three hours of total fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed that interlude for all it was worth.

However... I still don't know if that was my favorite. The most magic came toward the end, connecting with one of the guys on a deeper level. The what's of our dates were great but nothing over the top - dinner at some delicious restaurants, swinging on swings at my office's playground, going to a movie or a planetarium laser show. But what brought magic was clicking and just plain having fun. Seriously, I did not realize dating could be so carefree and easy and thoroughly fun until our dates!!! No nerves, no stress, no drama - just pure, unbridled joy and enthusiasm.

That whole interlude changed my dating game forever. Now I know how great dating can be - being treated well, having a solid chemistry and connection, enjoying the journey, come what may. Never again will I be able to settle for what I thought dating was before, because I can see that I am worth so much more - and that I can find someone worthy of my reciprocity, too. Oh, and what everyone said it being clear when a guy's interested? Totally true. You really don't have to wonder when it's someone worth your time because he'll seek you out. It whet my appetite to have that kind of experience again, and I can't wait to find it in a way that'll stick forever someday. That insight and lesson alone made any and every tear and frustrating moment among the 30 worthwhile.

Kind of funny how the two stand-out experiences ended up being bookends, huh? Ah, the poetry of it all. As much as I love writing... well... let's just say that my best stories write themselves, and I'm just along for the ride. Sometimes things play out far more perfectly than I could ever have scripted them.

Simple Little Things

Have we ever discussed how much I adore the Broadway show 110 in the Shade? It's an obscure show, but oh, it strikes such a chord with me. Part of my adoration is from seeing Audra McDonald and Will Swenson (of the Broadway revival) star in it at the teeny Hale Center Theatre in Orem a couple summers ago - there is nothing like being 10-20 feet away from such phenomenal talents!!! (And can we talk about meeting them after, too? Audra McDonald is one of the most gracious people I've ever met in my life!!!)

But a huge part of why I love this show is that I can relate to Lizzie Currie deeply. I understand what it's like to feel plain and overlooked - and I know what it's like to grow beyond that and see yourself as you truly are. Mine wasn't thanks to a dreamer like Starbuck so much as the process of time, but still. I get Lizzie.

"Simple Little Things" popped up on my iTunes today, and I just had to share this lovely song with y'all. As much as I'm always coming up with schemes and big dreams... well... at heart, I'm like Lizzie. I want simple little things. Love my career and all the adventures I've been blessed to have in the last almost-dozen years of adulthood, but really, I can't wait to shift focus to running a household, creating a family, making a life and a difference.

Until I have someone who needs me to scratch between his shoulder blades and press his blue suit, I'll keep "doing single well," as my friend Paige puts it. But oh, how lovely a day it will be to reach my dreams of these simple little things.

Are You Online, Part 2

I take back everything bad I said about online dating.

That is all.

Perfectly Matched or Opposites Attract?

So, friends, after such great answers on my "How You Knew" query last fall, I thought it was time to do a little more researching of the heart.

Today's question: is it better to date someone who is really different (opposites attract) or who is a lot like you (great minds think alike)?

One of my best friends and I were discussing this a few weeks ago while shopping in Park City. She always catches me up on the latest with her siblings (we all grew up together) and was telling me about her sister's recent romance. Apparently it was like dating a twin! The guy and my friend's sister had so much in common, she said it was like dating herself in male form - and it weirded her out!

I can't remember if that guy is the same one she's dating now or if that was a flash in the pan, but that thought made me laugh. Honestly, I can't decide - would that be pretty much the best thing ever, finding someone who has the same interests, same sense of humor, would get all your jokes, etc.? Someone who would just intuitively understand? Or could that be too much of a good thing?

One of my favorite things to do while in the dating scene is to learn from the guys I crush on or go out with - take an interest in their interests and thereby get a glimpse into something new (although I've slacked off on that lately). If you're dating someone who has all the same interests, hobbies, etc., then could that still happen? But, really, if you have way too much fun in the same interests, then does that even matter?

Anyways... I can argue both sides 'til the cows come home and still not reach a definite conclusion. So, what do you guys think? What have you seen work well (or not) from your experiences?

The Harmony of Hugs

{As a sidenote, yes, I know I am ridiculously behind on my "30 Days of Thankful," just as I'm woefully behind on everything else in my life. I've got a list of 30, and I'll post them all eventually, even if in one big catchup post.}

In the vast vocabulary of body language, I'm pretty sure hugs are the most glorious form of communication. There is something so infinitely comforting and validating about an embrace, that mutual invitation inside of each other's space bubble, that squeeze that says "you are so wonderful" in ways that mere words fall flat.

When it comes to love languages, I am all about touch - the physical manifestation of emotion. It's tangible. It's personal. It's affectionate. It's genuine and real. There's nothing I love better in the world than to be snuggled up to someone I love (especially when that someone is the world's most handsome Sheltie named Shep!).

Blame it on life experience, but I don't put a whole lot of stock into words. I do, however, appreciate a really, really good hug. I'm sure kissing is even better when it's with the right person, but so far, kissing has failed to impress me. However, thankfully I've had some winning huggers in my day. The best ever was the guy who I eventually wrote on his mission. When he hugged me, he'd just hold me there, and I would melt, being held as long as he wanted to hold me. Nearly a decade has passed, and I can still feel the comfort of those embraces. I miss them.

It's been interesting on my dating journey this year to contemplate each of the hugs that inherently come at the end of a date (well, except for that awkward, awful date - he didn't even get a high-five!). The one-armed hug is like nailing the coffin of a would-be relationship. It's a sure sign to me that whatever potential was there is gone. Then there's the one-arm-over, one-arm-under hug. To me, that's a familial, platonic embrace. There's definitely the draw in and the warmth, but it's more friendly than flirty.

What I miss are the REAL hugs - the ones I got from potential beaux and guy friends alike back in my undergrad days. Those involved arms being wrapped around my waist and mine around either their necks or their torsos. Those are the kind of hugs that linger. It has been far too long since I've had one of those, and tell you what, I miss 'em! Here's hoping that I find at least a guy friend who knows how to give a real hug sooner than later. Why I had those kinds of huggers in spades 10 years ago but can't find one now is a mystery, and a sad one at that.