What I never considered were all of the downsides to dating that I sidestepped -- namely, awkward dates and... even worse... rejection.
Ahhhhh, yes. Rejection. The "ugly underbelly of dating," as my wise friend Barbara puts it. There is NOTHING redeeming or fun about rejection for any party involved. Well, unless the rejected really deserved it... but those are few and far between. With all the dating I've done in the past year, I've been blessed to go out with really, really good guys. Even if I wasn't interested after the date, I was open to the possibility if he asked me on date No. 2, 3, etc. And in all of those cases, we were able to somehow totally evade any overt rejection on either side. The texts / phone calls / Facebook comments fizzled along with the interest, and we're still on friendly terms. No harm, no foul -- and no awkwardness. (Yay for dating as a mature adult!!!)
But among the 20+ dates this year have been a couple duds from the interwebs -- both nice guys who have lacked social graces, interesting conversation, or really anything compelling that would draw me to them. Firmly believing in saying yes to any first date (unless there's a creeper vibe), I've gone on dates where, within the first glance or word from his mouth, I've known it was going to be practice date. Great opportunity to exercise kindness and grace, to learn from him whatever he has to offer in a different view of the world. I'm sure to not leave any false indications of interest at parting, and in both cases I conveniently had a legitimate escape plan so I could make a clean break.
Well... somehow that's backfiring, because in being charming and at ease (because, duh, I'm not worried about making a good impression), I've somehow encouraged the men to continue pursuing. The texts or emails come... and as much as I just want to ignore them and let things fizzle... my hand is forced into being The Rejector.
Ugh.
It is SO much worse to reject than to be rejected! Maybe it's because I'm strong enough, I know that rejection won't crush me. I can handle it, and even if it stings, I'll live. I've done it before; I'll do it again. And I've rejected guys in the past, but they were usually friends first -- and remained friends later. Close friends, in some cases. I cared about them dearly, and that didn't change.
But these guys are total strangers, and we wouldn't be friends. Our paths wouldn't cross if not for dating. There are no commonalities. It's not like these guys won't be able to march right along in life without me in it -- that's not what I'm saying. I just don't want to hurt them at all. I get sooooo hopping mad when I hear about gals who are cruel. There is a lid for every pot, so to speak -- and just because I'm not his lid and he's not my pot doesn't mean that someone out there won't be a good fit! And I wouldn't want to make him question his worth or validity, spoiling him for another. But it's darned tricky to find that sweet spot between a kind response and a clear rejection.
So... two down, and I think I'm getting the hang of it: thank you so much, had a nice time, just not interested, we're not a match, but I wish you all the best. Some say that might be condescending? I certainly don't mean to be. I want to be positive. And I mean it -- I do wish them well.
I just also hope they get the drift and don't call again.
3 comments:
Coming from a guy who did the dating thing at the Y and took his share of lumps in the process, here's my two cents: just do it.
If you've spent a lot of time cultivating kindness in your treatment of others, chances are it'll shine through. There's no need to be incisive, but often times, when subtlety does not suffice, candor becomes essential.
Guys recover. Sometimes I don't know how. But we do. One morning who-knows-how-long after [insert your rejection here] we get up and say to ourselves "hey, you know [insert girl here] is really cool. I'm gonna ask her out!" and off we go again for another round.
Eventually it works out!
Fair point, David. :) You know, it's funny -- all the guys I've rejected in the past (the ones who are still friends) are married now. They found women who (I presume) adore them in ways I never would have. One in particular was pretty chased down by his wife, in fact. His path and mine have crossed only a few times in the near-decade since, and every time we've talked, he asks if I'm dating anyone with this tone of "you could've had all this." All I could think every time is, you're right, I could have, but I wouldn't have been happy -- and neither would you.
So you're right, we all do move on and become better people for it. I've passed the point of embracing that if this is it -- if I never wed and just have the career -- then I would be just fine. As one friend puts it, I "do single well." And that definitely takes the pressure off to just let what will happen, happen. I would rather be alone forever than to be saddled to a mismatch, and you're right -- I'm sure these guys feel the same way. (At least, for their sakes, I hope they do!)
I remember also reaching the point of confidence where I realized that I could firmly, candidly, and kindly end romantic possibility with a guy. I felt I had grown up, and interestingly, it made me feel more respectful of these guys as people instead of these foreign entities whom I was (mutually) exploring. Your tone and theory of rejection sound perfect - more people should do thus.
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