New Beginnings

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." -- Semisonic, "Closing Time"

Friends, think back with me to a time when you ventured into the unknown--first day at a new school, first Sunday in a new church congregation, a first date, or even the first social outing with a new set of friends. Remember the butterflies? The queasy uneasiness? The nerves and petrifying fear, wondering how this next chapter of your story would play out?

Well... I'm on the precipice of major changes once again, and somehow I keep thinking this will get easier with age, but... it doesn't. It still feels raw and vulnerable and so scary to face the unknown, walk away from what's comfortable and joyous and working, and venture into a new opportunity with no certainty of what lies ahead.

This January, I will officially age out of being in a young single adult ward (congregation) and will once again attend a "family" (traditional) ward for the first time in my adult life. I haven't been part of a family ward since the Sunday before I graduated from high school!!! I left high school graduation in my cap and gown and moved straight up to BYU, where I've been actively engaged in the YSA scene ever since--from BYU wards aplenty to the two singles wards in the southernmost tip of Orange County to four wards across the four years I've been back in Utah. In each case, a huge chunk of my social life (if not the majority, honestly) has derived from the friendships made within the current ward. It's so natural in LDS life!

Singles wards are busy busy--three hours of church on Sundays (plus a couple more hours of leadership meetings for the bulk of the last nine years), post-church potlucks, ward prayer, firesides, Monday night "Family Home Evening" activities, mid-week Institute classes, a number of activities that pop up throughout the weeks and weekends... and that's only the formal stuff! Then there are the social gatherings that naturally grow out from the friendships cultivated through so much church-sanctioned interaction.

And in a mere seven weeks... that part of my life and my identity will end. Completely. Forever. And there's not a danged thing I can do about it.

To say this feels intimidating and powerless is an understatement. I absolutely adore my ward! And the feeling is mutual. I was out of town yesterday and managed to receive at least five texts or Facebook messages from friends, telling me how missed I was and asking how I'm doing.

Come January, I'll switch to a family ward, which is what it sounds like--a congregation filled with participants of all ages and stages of life instead of the 18-31-year-old singles of YSA wards. Each type of ward has its benefits; a family ward certainly trumps the YSA ward on depth of life experience, especially in the ward into which I'm heading. I've been attending intermittently since August to ease the transition, and I've been nothing but impressed with what I've found there.

But that still doesn't stop me from having a heartbreaking sense of loss, defeat, and trepidation each time I walk into the back of the chapel and sit alone, uncertain of what the heck I'm doing there... feeling like a failure in the deepest, most visceral sense.

My life's mission is to marry and raise a family--no, not in some broad, sweeping gender stereotype sort of a way, but in a personal, Christa's-hopes-and-dreams sort of a way. It's all I've ever wanted, and getting booted from the singles ward because I've expired is really, truly the actualization of one of my greatest fears. I never wanted this to happen, just like I never expected to graduate from BYU single. And while that unexpected life path has brought countless blessings and such great happiness that I wouldn't have had it any other way... that still doesn't completely soothe the sting of feeling like I've failed to accomplish the One Big Thing I want in my life.

And... oh, the ridiculousness... I also recognize that with each passing year, I grow closer to the inevitable fulfillment of that dream, and it fills me with just as much trepidation as the lack of it does too!!! Talk about a Catch-22--I just can't win!

Couple those senses of loss and uncertainty with how the other Big Thing I wanted to happen didn't, and... I haven't felt so at a loss for understanding where I fit into this great, big world and what comes next in my story in a loooooooong time. And for a PLANNER, feeling totally lost and unsure of what's next is just about the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world!!!!

I do trust in God's timing and in His plans for my life--and, without a doubt, His plans always turn out to be a million times more amazing than anything I've dreamed or schemed for my own days.

But still... this hurts. A lot. And as much as I just want to savor every last second of my seven weeks in the singles ward, the fact that I know it's ending and soon just rips up my heart. I felt like I missed enough with yesterday's absence while in another state. How on earth will I handle stepping away when geographically I haven't budged?!

How do you handle life's great disappointments and unexpected twists? Goodness knows this problem pales in contrast to the life-or-death battles friends of mine are facing--and these kinds of disappointments are just part of life. I'm no different from anyone else. But even so, I'd love to hear how you cope!

Gearing Up for Grandeur

How would you change your day-to-day life if everything you've dreamed of is just around the corner?

This is a thought that I've been chewing on a lot lately. After the blood, sweat, and tears of the last two years, including the aforementioned "physical therapy" phase, I'm finally able to breathe again and to enjoy the sweetness and magnificence that is my life—and with newly gained compassion, patience, insight, and wisdom.

And wonderfully sweet, exciting adventures lie so close in store, I can brush them with my fingertips!

But I've also had a jarring, eye-opening realization in the last week: what does it MEAN if these long-awaited blessings are just around the corner? Am I ready?

In my heart of hearts, I know that my life's on the brink of major, major changes once more. Remember how I felt this... and then this happened? (And events unfolded to make my life infinitely better than anything I could've imagined or realized?) I've gone through enough rounds of this to recognize the pattern.

Which means it's time to work with a laser-like focus on making weak things become strong.

Last week I read this Psychology Today article that examined why/how "bright girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up—and the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses... [because] more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice."

Sigh.

This article hit me profoundly because that is the story of my life! I've always been very, very bright—and, ultimately, it's been detrimental. I have limited myself SO much by not pushing past the limits of my comfort zone and only playing to my strengths. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I just avoid it or brush it off: "I'm just terrible at sports." "I can't do math to save my life."

My eyes are so painfully opened and aware of my weaknesses that I've ignored for this very reason. There are certain things that I've just given into, more or less—knowing I could do better but settling for this complacent mediocrity because, to some degree, I guess I don't believe I can do it. Sad, sad, sad.

Thankfully, the article goes on to discuss what is my new goal: "No matter the ability—whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism—studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Examples abound of friends who have persevered over major obstacles to achieve great things, or who push past their disdain of the work to enjoy the result that work inevitably brings, whether it be running or school work or health issues.

If they can do it, I can too.
Right? In theory?

So, here's to sucking it up, buckling down, and working on becoming amazing. Or, as Sara Bareilles puts it, being BRAVE.

There's Something to Be Said...

...for friends who know you well enough to know you'll be up early on a Saturday morning...

...for knowing that while you can't cure the problem, a Baz Luhrmann movie and Nutella ice cream can work wonders for morale...

...for running errands on Saturday morning with minimal makeup and undone hair and not caring one iota...

...for the infinite power of hope, even when hope is all you have to go on...

...for the beauty of a sunny spring day with its blossoms and wispy clouds to make you forget the bitterness of a long winter...

...for OWNING your life in all its imperfect glory...

...for being self-aware enough to know that what you want most is NOT what you need right now... and that delaying that gratification will be worth the wait, whereas fulfilling it now would be detrimental!

...for the friendships so deep that a mere raise of the eyebrow or simple, perfectly timed smile can result in doubled-over fits of laughter...

...for those reminders that you can't script your life, so just enjoy the ride, because what's for you won't pass you, even if the story takes time to play out...

...for the new people who cross your path and shake up your prejudices and preconceived notions...

...for the phenomenal way that seven musical notes can transport you to a world of emotions and locations and eras, all in how they're arranged (seriously, HOW does that work?!?!)...

...for movies, music, etc. that can instantly take you back decades... like so:

(SWOON. Right?! )

...for making the deliberate choice to seek happiness and help others do the same...

...for quality, good men, single or married, who remind me of what I'm waiting for (not perfection, of course, but goodness and a heart that's focused on the right things)...

...for maintaining perspective and balance, choosing to see challenges as opportunities and remembering the power in perception...

...for the warmth that fills my home when friends are there...

...for savoring life's sweetness in its simple, everyday moments...

...and for remembering what matters most:

Spring Awakening

"Does a snake mourns the skin it sheds as it grows? Or a butterfly—does it hesitate when breaking free from its chrysalis and flying onward and upward?"

These are the thoughts I find myself pondering tonight. Glorious as it may be, growth means departing from the familiar and moving into the unknown, trusting that great things are ahead but not really knowing what that means. And for someone who struggles to let go of the reins, venturing into the unknown world alone is about as terrifying and uncomfortable as it gets!

The end of 2012 dovetailed with a life chapter's closing, and while I charged headlong into the new year with big hopes and aspirations... life had other plans (including two months of bronchitis). Six weeks ago I finally stepped into some semblance of a normal life, and... it's been a start-and-stop process ever since, relearning to what it means... well... to be me. 

I guess when you break a bone and reset it, there's inevitably a period of physical therapy, right? The fracture has healed, and that old, pesky limp is FINALLY gone, but the atrophied muscles have to awaken and regain their strength, and it takes so much patience and perseverance to get back to running and kicking and swimming and dancing and all those good things. And none of those will feel or function quite how they did before, nor should they.

Well... I suppose my heart, mind, and spirit are in something akin to physical therapy.

It's weird, picking up the pieces and moving forward into life again after a year spent on hold—breaking down to the core, working through heartbreaks, treasuring every moment with my sweet grandmother, transitioning into a new phase of complete independence. I didn't realize just how dearly I needed the connection and purpose and belonging I felt in Grandma's last months... and now... it's just me again. No roommates. No place in a family unit. No debt. No emotional obligations. I've never been so wholly independent in every sense—which is both liberating and isolating. 

As much as I try to look at everything as an opportunity... it's not easy. Most of the time I feel kind of lost. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things... but I don't have the desire to push as hard as I once could. Busy is not a badge I like to wear anymore. Slowing down is great... except when it reminds me that I'm alone. Keeping the "nobody loves you" gremlins at bay is a frequent battle. I know in my head that I'm dearly loved by many... but when my days come and go with little meaningful connection to others, it gets tough to really believe that in my heart.

New friendships have helped immensely—I've been adopted into a wonderful group that fits so well, and we do dinner twice a week plus play games on Sunday nights—but there again, it's a mixed blessing. New relationships require patience and effort and vulnerability—and goodness knows I feel vulnerable enough as it is just existing these days! I'm finally authentic and comfortable in my skin... but what it means to "be myself" is new, too. I'm not who I was a year ago (or six months ago, even). Just skimming my blogposts from as recent as December... man. That feels like ancient history. Even the focus on my "30 by 30" list—who was that girl?! So much of it seems silly and trivial now in the grand scheme of things. Familiar, good things are snapping back into place, like a desire to bake again Sunday for the first time in ages. But the deeper, emotional things are all new.

And it's funny, because when I get out of my own way and just LIVE, I do wonderfully. People tell me I'm amazing frequently... and I'm not trying for that feedback. I'm just being myself. But when I think about it, that's when I second-guess and wobble and fall—getting scared, wanting to run away and hide in my condo, where it's safe. And don't even get me started on dating!!! So many false starts lately that ultimately lack real traction and potential... but hope still prevails. It'll happen when it happens, and when it does, it'll be glorious.

Meanwhile... I just keep trekking along. Usually I like imparting of some overarching insight or wisdom when wrapping up a blogpost, but this time? I got nothing, kids. I'm making life up as I go! And, really, I guess that's the best insight of all, because that's reality. It's all we're asked to do—no more, no less.

But I will leave you with a couple gems I've found of late:

"You're going to become more tolerant with time, and not only because you have more to tolerate in yourself. Because life will batter you and you'll have a surer sense of what's important and has meaning and is good."—Peggy Noonan, 

Wall Street Journal

And...

Happy People Are Successful People

This TEDxBloomington talk is completely and totally FASCINATING. Take the 12+ minutes to listen to it:


Did you know it's a proven fact that your brain is 31% more productive when it's happy?

And it's something you can learn. If you can learn to be positive in the present, then you're able to work even better. As your brain floods with dopamine, things fire better, and voila! Success.

So, here are five action items that, if done for a few minutes every day, will lead to a happier, more productive, more successful you:

• Practice gratitude--specifically, find three new things for which you are grateful
• Write in a journal
• Exercise
• Spend time meditating
• Perform random acts of kindness

I haven't quite mastered all of these, but I do know that as I've incorporated more of these into my daily life recently, the effect is amazing! I truly am so radiantly happy and feel like I can conquer the world when I choose to view things through a positive lens. It's not always easy. Today I got the rug pulled out from under me, so to speak, with the unanticipated consequence to what I thought was a good decision, and it's definitely crushing. But... I still trust in the well-pondered decision, regardless the outcome, and while I could--and, admittedly, have--stressed and second-guessed because of the unexpected results, I'm trying to instead focus on the learning process gained by the experience and to trust that good things will play out in the long run. 

How happy we are really, truly, completely is our own choice. It's a matter of the lens we choose to view life through, and a happy, positive one always leads to a better outcome!

How to Talk to Girls (and Other Words of Wisdom)

This kid could teach some lessons to most of the single guys whose dating (and, hey, even just friendship) paths have crossed mine in recent years. Seriously. GENIUS!



So, speaking of dating... gotta share some game-changing experiences and insights of late.

To set up the context, I don't know the last time that my love life was a complete blank slate. Even when I made major state-to-state moves, there was almost always some lingering crush or long-distance relationship that I hoped would pan out down the road. Life's been such nonstop crazy since I moved in August that I have yet to start a new social life in town. But now that the dust is settling, I feel overwhelmingly that it's time for a new chapter of my life to begin.

And this is going to be the best chapter yet, friends! I'm so thrilled to see what's ahead, I can barely stand it!!! Giddy is an understatement.

But first, I had to clear up one lingering question mark: newfound interest in an amazing guy friend. Whether we'd be a match had yet to be determined, but guys of his caliber don't come along every day, so... I boldly sent him a more sophisticated take on "Do you like me? Check yes or no." He went for no, but good glory, friends, I've never been so thrilled for a rejection in all my life!!! After sending off the note, I seriously felt... ambivalent? I don't know how to explain it. Either outcome was a fabulous option, and both were better than this tepid wasteland of uncertainty. I felt strongly, though, that his answer was secondary to the fact that I'd dared greatly. I followed a distinct impression toward a path of action that scared the daylights out of me, and I lived to tell the tale--no regrets! I get to just plain enjoy this awesome friendship without any of that weirdness what creeps in with "what are we?" confusion.

Now I get to dive into the Provo/Orem social scene completely and totally unfettered by any outstanding emotional entanglements--and, better yet, I get to put into action all of the lessons learned from my crash course in dating along with all the insights, healing, and joy found in the new heart I've built since the old one shattered last spring. I've changed so much in the last year, it's startling. Was the process brutal? Yes--but now I get to enjoy the payoff of the blood, sweat, and tears: WISDOM. Dude. There is no putting a price tag on that gem!!! It truly is priceless.

And let's not forget the other payoff: CONFIDENCE. Seriously, how can you ever gain it except to take that risk, challenge your status quo, and succeed?! Nothing is a bigger factor in being attractive, either, than confidence--knowing that you're a good person doing good things in the world, making the most of the raw material at your fingertips. I've had this flurry of lightbulb moments in the last month, and one of the brightest moments was finally believing, no holds barred, that I am worthy of love and belonging, which is the key to true joy and connection in life. It sounds silly to revel in the knowledge that you're awesome, but anyone who knows my story well knows it's been a 30-year battle to get here. I had some ridiculously hard battles to fight literally from the cradle, but the beauty is that I've done it. I'm not a victim. I am a victor, and I have created a phenomenal life filled with more joy than I ever knew was possible. Life is truly good, friends. So humbled and blessed.

And so excited to put into practice all of these game-changing insights, including these newly gelled winners:

• Don't reject yourself before the guy/girl can. Know the saying "whether you think you can or can't, you're right"? Same idea. Too often we discount our own value and figure the other person wouldn't be interested anyway, so why bother? And so we go for the safety of the friend zone before giving any potential a chance to play out. I totally did this with the aforementioned friend when we first met. After nearly a year of friendship, there's enough foundation to know it's nothing more, but right when meeting someone, there's no way to know! So instead of defaulting to the assumption that it's a friendship--or doing the flipside of falling head over heels for someone you don't even know--just be open. Don't be too quick to affix labels. That first bit of knowing someone is fact-finding. Just enjoy it for what it is, because you never get to return to that blank slate with that person again!
• Worrying and overthinking are surefire roads to disaster. Trust me. If either were Olympic sports, I'd have a boatload of gold medals. Overthinking is a defense mechanism, seeking to make certainty out of something that is inherently uncertain. The more you replay the tape and overanalyze, the more confusing it gets. Worrying is a total energy-waster, too. It might feel like you're actively working on something, but you're not. Switch off the brain, trust your intuition, and just enjoy watching how things unfold. Your energy is better expended in improving what you bring to the table as a partner, since that's just about the only thing you can control in a relationship.
• Trust that your awesomeness will attract the right person. It's that simple. Think of the word "attraction" beyond its dating definition. It's something whose inherent appeal draws the right thing, like a magnet attracting metal. Attraction in dating should be that simple, organic, and effortless. The magnet doesn't do some sort of dog-and-pony show to entice the metal. It doesn't try to morph itself into a different substance that will click with some other target. Granted, magnets don't have brains or emotions to do any of that anyway... but you get the point. All of us (well, except for sociopaths) have some degree of insecurity, especially in this arena. It's natural. But make the effort to overpower that negative impulse with positivity! You can't control other people's actions, interest, reactions, etc. Don't chase after someone who doesn't feel a draw toward you, especially when that could disconnect you from someone who actually does feel drawn into your orbit. All you can do is to play your own cards well and then rest assured that the best thing for you will shake out in whatever form and timeframe. Everyone--EVERYONE--deserves to be at the receiving end of head-over-heels, crazy-stupid love. Seriously, why on earth would you settle for anything less than that?! As Oscar Wilde brilliantly put it, "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly NORMAL human being?" It's not just the material of Hollywood fairytales. I've seen countless case studies in that kind of love among my nearest and dearest who married well. So sit back and enjoy the journey to that kind of happy ending!
• Have fun! Seriously. Life is a mixed bag, and we can't control circumstances--but we have a heck of a lot more control over our joy level than we often accept. Choose to see the silver linings. Choose to assume the best of people and of situations. Choose to believe that you're awesome--and if you think it, why on earth would anyone disagree? Choose to own your story and to let others own theirs. Mistakes and missteps shape our stories as much as the well-made decisions do. Don't stress. Just roll with it. Life is that we might have joy, and that joy comes from within. Whether it fills your heart or not is up to you--and that kind of radiance is way more attractive than a dour, downcast countenance!

So, here's to a new, clean page in my dating saga. I'm beyond thrilled to break from the past patterns and see how this next chapter will unfold!

Lost and Found

Looking back at 2012, one theme sticks out: loss.

In the course of the past year, I lost hope for relationships with key family members (including straight-up estrangements for most of the year), lost a chance at love (although, if we're being honest, I dodged a bullet with that one), lost my health for several months, my team lost the election (grrrr!!!), and, a few weeks ago, I lost my grandmother, who was my family, best friend, and primary example in life. Oh, and just today I got the news that my grandmother's children are selling her cabin in Island Park—my lifelong haven and refuge—so that's another devastating loss for 2012. Even happy things, like moving to my delightful condo, involved loss—losing the happiest home situation I've ever had, living with my best friend in a place filled with joy and warmth.

So to you, 2012, I have two words: Peace out!

Now, onto the beautiful blank state of 2013 (which I'm kicking off with a one-night stay at the Hotel Del Coronado—hello, bucket-list item!!!)

I've decided that this new year is going to be MY year. As devastating as loss can be, it brings a certain degree of liberation. The voids left by losses can be opportunities to create better, brighter, beautiful possibilities—and I'm going to make finding them the focus of this new year.

Specifically:

• Finding Health and Wealth—Two of my biggest Achilles' heels in life seem to be fitness and finances. Honestly, both stem from a shared root issue: a lack of self-discipline and delayed gratification. This year I plan to attack both with a vengeance!
• Finding Love—And by love, I broaden that scope beyond romance, because love is so much bigger than that. My life is filled with love, and yet too often I either discount available love because it's not the source I crave (i.e. friends instead of family), or I get frustrated with love offered because it's not exactly what I want from that particular individual. I need to work on accepting what love people offer—no more, no less—while trusting in God's goodness to provide what I do need, even when it comes from unexpected places. (And if an unexpected place does happen to be that tall, dark, handsome "Mormon prince" I've been awaiting... well... fabulous!)
• Finding Meaningful Ways to Serve—Rebuilding my broken heart necessitated an inward focus for much of 2012, but I finally feel like I can breathe again! The dust is settling, and with that, I really want to get outside of myself. The two consistent services I did in 2012 were family history and temple work, which are incredibly fulfilling and fabulous, so I want to get back to those. But above and beyond that, I want to serve those within my sphere in whatever way possible. I have so much love to give and need to find great outlets for it.
• Finding My Voice—I've had an idea for a book bouncing around in my brain for ages now, but I still needed to gain some experience in order to pull it off. I think the time has arrived to put pen to paper and up my Writer (with a capital W) street cred by writing my book.
• Finding Peace and Comfort in the Atonement—Christ's Atonement is magnificent and marvelous, but as much as I appreciate it, I still don't fully tap into its strength and power, especially as a source of infinite love, peace, and comfort. I struggle to trust what I can't see, and that's a flaw that really needs to fall away this year.
• Finding Serenity in Uncertainty—Whew, trust is a BIG struggle for me, quite possibly my biggest. I have such a hard time believing things will work out, even when I have so many case studies of when they did. So instead I expend sooooo much energy overthinking and overanalyzing in an attempt to make certainty out of something inherently uncertain. Well, that has GOT to stop, because I seriously become my own worst enemy in those instances! Here's to letting go and learning to TRUST wholeheartedly, no fear, no regrets.
• Finding the Hows—It was a glorious moment a few weeks ago to realize that I've done it! I have, in many ways, become the woman I always wanted to be. It's such a wonderful feeling. Life is so much like hiking, and as the dust's started to settle on 2012, I've been enjoying the breather and the vista, appreciating how far I've come. Now it's time to get up and get back to climbing, looking for the specific, material ways to take that "becoming who I want to be" to the next level. If you're not progressing, you're regressing, and I want to keep moving forward into beautiful, wonderful things.

Here's to the most marvelous, wonderful, fabulous year yet, friends!!! Hope this next year brings you so much joy and love, too.

Defining Moments

Earlier today, I read this article about how a simple choice to head down a floor made the difference between being a victim or survivor to the World Trade Center tragedy. A quote in the piece is particularly chilling:

"Seemingly insignificant decisions a person made that day determined whether they lived or died. It's still something that's a bit hard to fully come to terms with."

This made me think of my own life. What split-second decisions have made a huge, life-shifting impact? Certainly nothing's been life or death, but there have been majorly disruptive moments, and it's funny to see the ripple effect these words and actions can have. Misjudging the distance between my moving van and the carport by a matter of inches cost me $300+ to repair, for instance - and the damage hit in a second. Boggles the mind.

Back in the spring, the wonderful guy I was dating felt the need to take a step back. His reasons were legitimate and, really, had little/nothing to do with me - but, being inexperienced and insecure, I let my tongue get away from me. In one sentence, I swiftly destroyed the immense potential that was there. In the moment, I didn't realize how huge a deal it was. It wasn't until I saw friends' reactions when I told them what had happened to the relationship - "You... actually said that to him?!" - that the reality of my mistake sunk in. It's haunted me daily ever since - this Sondheim piece aptly sums it up (and the plot of the show from which it originates actually examines the whole idea of defining moments, too):



You know what I love, though? My story isn't over yet. It's still in the process of being written. I don't know how it will end, ultimately, and regardless the outcome, things do work out, even if we fumble and misstep in the moment. I've seen so many split-second mistakes ultimately result in happily ever after. Not without tears and heartbreak and time, of course - but, in the end, things work out. They always, always do.

Sometimes the missteps are a matter of life or death. A moment's misjudgment behind the wheel killed a close friend and her father several years ago, drastically affecting many, many lives in an instant. I watched from a close observation point as her fiance and family grieved and dealt with the aftermath - but, eventually, they were able to move on. Her mother is happily remarried; her fiance is happily married to an amazing, dear friend of mine, and they have beautiful babies. Life goes on, and the broken pieces fall into place.

Earlier this year I had the blessing of attending a close friend's wedding, and it hit me during the ceremony that I was there because of a broken toe. Don't believe me?

Well, in 8th grade, while living in Utah with my dad, I broke my toe by tripping over home base and falling while playing kickball in my drama class. (Birkenstocks are not an ideal choice of kickball footwear, FYI.) Because of the injury, I left my bike at school - and when we came to pick it up that night, the back tire had been stolen. My dad was not a happy camper, to say the least, and he felt an appropriate punishment for my thoughtlessness was having to miss out on the 8th grade promotion dance. I, in turn, felt this was a gross injustice. After all, it wasn't like I got rid of the tire maliciously. Long story short, a HUGE fight ensued that ended with 13-year-old me shouting "Fine, I want to go live with Mom!" My dad handed me the phone with a warning that if I called her, that was that: one-way ticket back to California, end of story. My mother was one to make threats she didn't back up, and my father wanted to teach me that words carry weight. (Apparently I still need to learn that lesson... but... yeah.)

Although that choice had heart-wrenching consequences, it also led me to the women who are among my closest friends in the world today. Those friendships sustained me through high school, college, and into the present - particularly with those who live in Utah along with me, including the aforementioned bride. And, really, I wouldn't trade the strength or wisdom acquired through the hardship at home for the world. That experience has made me who I am today.

The "what if" moments in life may be haunting - they certainly give gravity to every moment in life - and at the same time, they're not the be-all and end-all. They act as the imperfect cracks that let God's grace shine through. He can bring light and joy into the messes we cause. Sometimes, as the song notes, there really is "hell to pay," but that price can be worth the wisdom and humility earned. We just have to maintain the perspective that, as Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy." Oh, how sweet that joy will be when we embrace it and let go of the struggle faced in the split-second missteps.

Home Sweet Home

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."
-- Maya Angelou 

The concept of home has been a tough one for me. It's been decades since I felt at home with family. Even before then, home was never a haven of security and love. At 17, I dove happily into a steady stream of roommate situations; as of today, I've shared 11 addresses with 40 gals in 12 years. Oh, and there are a few brief stints with relatives scattered in there, too. While the majority of those situations were happy - and even when not happy per se, they certainly weren't awful - in no situation was the space truly my own.

In a mere 11 days, that's all going to change.

As of August 25th, I will be a resident of Orem, Utah, renting a lovely two-bedroom condo a mere five minutes away from my office. To say I'm thrilled would be an understatement!!! Creating a beautiful home for myself has been the best thing possible after the heartache and struggle of the last year. I am beyond ready to have that tangible renewal and clean slate. New address, new ward, new memories, new possibilities...

...and new stuff. I don't own a single piece of living room furniture!!! It's been a ridiculously fun project to design my living space from scratch. Last night I bought my lovely couch:

and today I'll head to the condo at lunch to measure rooms. It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks, painting and packing and moving. My dear friend Lynsie, who is a wonderful interior designer, is coming over Saturday to help me with furniture placement, paint color, etc. I'd share a picture of what the place looks like now... but the paint color is awful, and a photo of the empty space won't do it justice. It'll need my TLC in the next few weeks to get it spiffed up for the move, but it's worth it. My landlord is awesome, and he's letting me do basically whatever I want with the space. I've never been so excited to deep-clean and paint in my life!!!

As for furnishings, I'm going to take my time and make it a long-range project, collecting piece by piece. I'm planning to do a lot of garage sale-ing and estate shopping, finding classic pieces with potential that I can upcycle and refresh into something fabulous. (Hooray for Pinterest and my soon-to-be craft room, right?)

I'll have to do a post after things are done, but for now, here's a sneak peek at some of the elements that will go into my new home sweet home:

The color palette, drawn from my favorite dress of the season (thank you, Banana Republic!)

The poster a local artist put together for me (thank you, Etsy!) - I've always wanted to hang this verse in my home.

And, last but not least...

The vintage typewriter from eBay that's my favorite purchase of the year! (I know it photographs blue, but the actual color is more green, like this shade.)

As for the rest... you'll just have to wait and see!

45 Life Lessons from a 90 Year Old

My friend Jessi posted this on Facebook, and it was too great not to pass along. Enjoy!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye... But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don’t forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Celestial Sight

"With celestial sight, trials impossible to change become possible to endure." -- Neal A. Maxwell

As long as I live, I'll never forget the awe and wonder that accompanied my first pair of glasses. I must have spent hours staring out the window from my bed, repeatedly lowering and then raising the frames, marveling at the definition of the leaves and twigs that I'd been missing for years. That I needed glasses was no surprise -- I noticed my eyesight declining in middle school -- but until I had those corrective lenses over my 14-year-old eyes, I had no real idea of precisely what I'd been missing.

That memory struck me once again tonight as I thought again of the parable of the glasses.

That first pair of glasses we get is similar to baptism, an introductory ordinance that grants us lasting clear vision for the first time. Maintaining that clarity isn't a one-time event, though. It's only with those corrective lenses (the Holy Ghost) that we're able to see clearly day in and day out. We must step aside and, with help from a qualified professional, reassess our vision periodically to make sure we're still seeing 20/20 -- and to take any corrective action necessary for our very individualized vision needs. (Thank you, repentance!)

Thanks to countless hours spent staring at a computer screen or smartphone, my vision seems to be worsening by -0.25 each year. The lenses I replaced just over a year ago aren't sharp anymore. They're good enough for me to survive, but I could use new ones again. What worked not that long ago won't do now. Such is life, right? We're progressing or regressing -- what was enough in the past will fail to be enough in the future.

Kind of a fun analogy, right?

Well, as I was pondering this upon leaving the temple tonight (bespectacled, of course), I was struck by how important it is to have celestial sight, with that great Neal A. Maxwell quote coming to mind. To truly see clearly, we must see with more than our eyes. There is so much more depth and potential beyond what we see around us -- in every person and situation that crosses our paths.

Lately I have been all kinds of myopic, and as a result, I've not seen the forest for the trees. I was so ready to flee my Utah life at a moment's notice for greener pastures back East -- until I had an amazing work week followed by a wonderful weekend, and I remembered again just how great I've got it here.

But beyond that, I've spent time pondering and praying about whether New York City is right for me, whether I have God's green light to chase after that dream. I got a no. Actually, I got an "okay... if you're sure that's what you really want..." followed by obvious reasons to stay. I'm not going anywhere, at least not for now, even if corporate does make an interview offer.

And while that definitely led me to shed some tears, and while it breaks my heart a little to not chase that dream (at least for now), I know that God has a plan for my life, as He does for each of us. I've seen evidence of it too clearly and undeniably in the past to doubt it now. Any future He has in store for me will be far grander than what I could choose for myself -- taking me to adventures higher than the Chrysler Building or the Empire State Building, more sparkling than any Tiffany's jewel, and more fun than even the Big piano at F.A.O. Schwarz. (Which, by the way, is ridiculously fun.) Knowing that this is where I need to be, I can work within the parameters of my obstacles and make the best of them (which, all things considered, are not all that bad!). It helps to see that bigger picture, to remember that there is wisdom behind everything. I've always been led to exactly where I needed to be, and it's been amazing. God hasn't failed me yet, nor will He in the future.

Also, how grateful I am for the temple, which expands our visions on an eternal scale. It's such a blessing and privilege to run less than 10 minutes up the road and be reminded of my eternal mission, to catch a glimpse of the family's eternal nature and of our potential to return to God's presence someday. I love how the temple anchors me to eternity and turns my heart and mind to more important matters -- reaching out to serve my family on both sides of the veil, preparing for that future family of my own, trusting in the promises and impressions I've received. What a rich gift it is to peer through heavenly eyes while making this mortal journey!

Falling in Love. Again.

Dear Utah,

You sure do know how to tug at my heartstrings. Just as I get thrilled at the prospect of breaking up with you for a more glamorous, exciting dreamboat named Manhattan, you reel me back in with reminders of the great things you offer -- the best job ever with tons of amazing people I adore, living close to the best friends a gal could ask for and delightful cousins aplenty, loads and loads of nearby temples, and let's not forget your natural beauty.

Pfffft.

I'll never get out of the 801 if you keep making me fall in love with you again. (Which you seem to do every time I get disenchanted, focusing on your flaws with tunnel vision that blocks out the benefits.) So... ummm... stop being so wonderful so I can chase my dreams? Because right now you're making me think maybe it's time to trade in my East Coast dreams for something even better: the amazing life I have right now.

And I'm just plain not sure how I feel about that.


Much love,
ChristaJeanne

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Funny how history repeats itself -- even in a personal scale. Like so:

• Go back and read this.
• Remember that my entire life changed within 10 days.
• Understand that I've been feeling like this again.
• And then I came across this a couple days ago (which is within my company).
• And applied. (With my boss's blessing, of course.)
• And told the sole person I know in that office -- who is higher in the ranks than I realized -- who immediately put in a good word with the right folks.

And here I sit... on pins and needles... waiting to see what and when and if my entire life is going to uproot and shift again. Knowing that this might be absolutely nothing (and preparing for being let down), but also knowing it could be something. Desperately hoping it will, but also being incredibly intimidated by all that will mean.

Oh, and having a blast considering the possibilities of living places like here and here and here. Swoon!!! Lifelong dream within my grasp, folks. I've dreamed of living in the Big Apple for as long as I can remember. Blame it on admiring Stacey from The Baby-Sitter's Club and listening to a lot of Billy Joel as a child.

I can hardly stand the anticipation!

But back to work I go, seeing as this craziness starts in less than a week, and there is SO much to do for it - I'm in charge of writing room host scripts, compiling room host binders, and editing all PowerPoints and handouts, in addition to writing just about every word on that website. Whew!

2011: A Year in Review

Ringing in 2011 with the Davis clan in Provo - can't believe that was a year ago!

Hey, friends! Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to all of you! 2011 has been quite an incredible year. In many ways it's been "the best of times and the worst of times," filled with amazing adventures and the realization of long-held dreams as well as some heartbreaking disappointments. I've also been a sidelines observer to some amazing triumphs and hard times friends have experienced, and the resilience of the human spirit never ceases to amaze. I'm no doubt a better, stronger, and more authentic woman than I was when the year kicked off in January, and I can't wait to see what further growth 2012 will bring.

Anyways. On to the fun stuff. Here are some highlights from the past year:

• 16,250 miles traveled on 10 trips to/through 9 states and 1 Canadian province - and that doesn't include many trips along the Wasatch Front to Layton, Logan, and the like (which, on days like today, tack on 200 miles!). This year I journeyed to San Francisco, Capitol Reef, Glacier/Waterton/Banff/Calgary, Yellowstone/Island Park, Denver, Savannah/Atlanta, and Southern California times four (but at least to varying parts - L.A., Orange County, and San Diego). For the record, I miss Savannah and/or Banff on a near-daily basis. And I LOVE that I can say that I miss places like Savannah and Banff. Jet-setting has been a blast!



• 18 plays, 20 concerts, and 4 Sundance Film Festival flicks thoroughly enjoyed. There's such a vibrant scene of local performing arts talent around here, it's awesome!!! Those concerts range from local bands in block parties, clubs, and even their parents' homes to choirs like OCMCO or the Mormon Tabernacle in concert halls to the Pacific Symphony playing the 1812 Overture in the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater while visiting Orange County; the plays range from Broadway tours and professional companies to very, very amateur local productions. Professional or amateur, I've loved them all!



Rosie and I got to meet Kevin Clash, the man behind Elmo!


Photo snagged from Justin Hackworth


Photo snagged from Hue & Hum - see my shoulder in the tan jacket on the left?
• Oh, and let's not forget taking the stage for 1 amazing, technicolor production and 2 performances at Temple Square during the Christmas season with the Lehi Chorale. Wish I had bandwidth to do more! Can't wait to start voice lessons next week and dive into next summer's show in the spring.


• 21 dates with 12 amazing men, ranging in age from 25 to 43, with 1 more date (with possibly 1 more guy) slated for the weekend... but still 0 relationships to show for it (despite getting the label of "wifeypoo" from this summer's stage hubster). All this dating's exhausting! But I'd rather be dating than not, so... it's worth it. I've really enjoyed getting to know these guys, but I'm still definitely not used to interacting with guys I know strictly in the dating sense (as opposed to my former normal of going on dates with guys who were friends first). It's a learning process, that's for sure. Better late than never!
• 3 roommates and 2 wards, despite not moving an inch (which was LOVELY, considering I moved three times from Nov. 2009 to Sept. 2010!)
• 1 royal wedding viewed with 2 lovely friends at 3:30 a.m. via streaming internet - and yes, many happy tears were shed. Love Wills and Kate!


• 3 speeding tickets - I know, I know, slooooooow doooooooown...
• 5 temples visited, including many a trip to the temples in Newport Beach and Draper, lest this list seem all vapid and ridiculous. I wish I could've actually gone in and spent time at the Cardston Temple, but it didn't work with the travel schedule. Ah, well - maybe next time. I can't wait to add the Brigham City temple to the list next year, and the Fort Collins, Colorado, temple soon as well!

• 30 lbs. lost... but let's not talk about how many came back from 7 boxes of Candy Cane Joe-Joe's, mmmmmkay? ;) Hitting the gym again tomorrow... *sigh*

• 1 promotion at work and a 2-year work-iversary celebrated - hooray for finally finding a job into which I can settle and stay put! 
  
• 3 sections of the GRE passed with flying colors, and 1 Utah State University class toward my masters completed with an A! Just 10 more classes to go...

WHEW!!! What a year! 

Just flipping through my planner to recap makes me exhausted. It's been an intense year, but wow, it's been such a blast. Being too busy has been great in some ways because it's made me evaluate how I'm spending my energy, and there are certain things that just plain aren't worth it. If it means dropping some relationships, sadly, so be it - much like Elphaba sings in"Defying Gravity,"

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try, I'll never know.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost - 

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost! 

I'd sooner buy defying gravity.

Amen and amen! My theme and goal for 2012 is to truly defy gravity - to stop imposing silly limits on myself, being hemmed in and held back by insecurities lacking in any real basis other than falsehoods that got drilled into me over the years by people who should've complimented instead of criticized, myself included. Why I let such negativity seep in over the years, I'll never know - but now that I see it, I can make the future better, and that's what really matters, right?

Anyways... that's my adventure from this year. I can't wait to see the exciting things 2012 will bring!!! 

How about you, friends? Any fun journeys taken or lessons learned in 2011?

Astonishing

When the Pantages had a fairly family-friendly season about 5-6 years ago, my dad and stepmom got season ticket for my sister +1. Lucky for me, the Broadway-obsessed one, I got to be Tessa's +1 more often than not. Annie, White Christmas, and more - it was good times.

Well, one of the more forgettable shows that season, Little Women, yielded a song that's resonated with me ever since: "Astonishing." It's a truly powerful song, one that singer friends of mine have incorporated into their audition and recital repertoires for a reason. Not only is it musically wonderful, but the lyrics are great.

I've connected with the song for years, but never more so than this past year, the year in which I finally decided that I was done with certain relationships and self-imposed limits. I respect and love myself too much to settle for lackluster - and, more so, for people who tell me I'm less than I am or treat me like I'm less than I am, particularly when they have absolutely no claim on my life or my affections other than the mere chance of birth. DNA does not a relationship make.

I can - and will - do what I need to so that I truly can be astonishing. And I'll be darned if anyone stands in my way of getting there.

(Sorry, not the best version of this clip, but Sutton Foster is astonishing!)

ASTONISHING

I thought home was all I'd ever want

My attic all I'd ever need.

Now nothing feels the way it was before

And I don't know how to proceed.

I only know I'm meant for something more

I've got to know if I can be

Astonishing

There's a life

That I am meant to lead

A life like nothing I have known

I can feel it

And it's far from here

I've got to find it on my own

Even now I feel its heat upon my skin.

A life of passion that pulls me from within,

A life that I am making to begin.

There must be somewhere I can be

Astonishing

Astonishing

I'll find my way

I'll find it far away

I'll find it in unexpected and unknown

I'll find my life in my own way

Today

Here I go

And there's no turning back

My great adventure has begun

I may be small

But I've got giant plans

To shine as greatly as the sun

I will blaze until I find my time and place

I will be fearless,

Surrendering modesty and grace

I will not disappear without a trace

I'll shout and start a riot

Be anything but quiet

Christopher Columbus

I'll be Astonishing

Astonishing

Astonishing

At Last

Confessions of a Late Bloomer

Last night I launched Operation: Meet People. A friend and I went to Utah Young Republicans, hoping to meet some folks. It was... ummm... interesting. Neither as "young" nor as dateable as I'd hoped (although the lecture was fascinating). At least I've kicked off this new phase, getting out there and broadening my social network. (The IRL one. Not the online one.) Having finally blossomed, late bloomer that I am, I am ready to take the world by storm. Question is, where does one begin such a project - especially while living in the Beehive State?

For context...

When I lived in Orange County, I felt like I could never measure up to the standard of apparent awesomeness around me.

The singles scene there was filled with BEAUTIFUL people, pulled together so wonderfully that they could've stepped off of the pages of an Anthropologie catalog. Heck, some of them actually were models. These Orange County native children (including some to whom I'm lucky enough to be related) are of a unique breed - effortlessly cool, confident and radiant. They know just how to pose in every picture, take trips around the globe, live in gorgeous apartments, party on yachts. They listen to indie bands I've never heard of, meet their soulmates through online dating reality series, and pull off color combinations I would never even imagine on my most daring fashion day.

And while I call them friends and think they are just darling and wonderful, that vibe just was never me. I went to the parties sometimes... but always felt like the frizzy-haired country bumpkin. It isn't like I was invited for pity's sake, but still... I'd come but feel overshadowed, always more comfortable to be helping in the kitchen than actually participating in the fun, more like some sort of a third-party observer than part of the crew. Oh, how I wished so much that I could be, but the inner nerd somehow kept an arm's length from believing I could be part of the beautiful crowd.

After all, I grew up with more books than friends. (Really.) And in ill-fitting hand-me-downs, to boot. Bless her heart, but my mother never bothered to teach me really anything... about fashion... dating... confidence. I didn't even know what conditioner was for until living with my dad and stepmom at 13. (Poor Betsy. Her stepchildren were practically feral, raised by wolves.) You can't teach what you don't know, so I'm sure my mother did her best, paltry as it may have been. But in so many ways, I am who I am today only thanks to patient, helpful friends, my years at BYU, and the process of time.

For better or worse, I am a late bloomer. But I've finally bloomed.

And I lament that the blooming had to finally come while in Utah. I've grown by leaps and bounds in the past year or two, shedding those insecurities I'd maintained in California, achieving serious professional success and all the confidence that comes as a by-product. And beyond the professional, I've been able to do so many cool things and stretch my talents and abilities in the last few years, believing that, really, there is nothing I can't do if I'm willing to put in the time and effort. (Which is the key, i.e. running. Wasn't totally willing to do all that was necessary there, but round two begins Monday, and let's hope it's better than last year's venture!) That confidence radiates, apparently, because the gal I see in the mirror is so much prettier than I ever remember her being in Orange County.

After taking a breather from the social scene for the better part of a year (left behind my Lehi crew after moving, spent much of the summer traveling, got busy with politics in the fall, kept busy with the holidays, and then went into GRE study mode for the last two months), I am more than ready to jump back into the social fray. I moved to Utah somewhat depleted - now I'm more whole than I've ever been, brimming with enthusiasm, energy, optimism and confidence. Life is amazing, and everyone has a story to tell. I am so ready to meet some amazing people, make interesting friends, get out on the town and thrive.

But, friends, where do I even begin? Eighteen months down the road I turn 30, and I want to do so "flirty and thriving," for lack of a better tagline. Meeting people is my top social priority right now, and I'm all about friends and quantity - but not lacking quality, either. The Utah scene I've run across thus far just isn't me. Not good, not bad - just not me.

I've been in the fun crowd, social for social's sake. It bored me. There has to be more common ground than belonging in the same ward. I need people who are on the same page - or can at least hold a quality discussion - regarding interests like art, politics, literature, understanding and deconstructing the world. I need that intellectual angle. I gobbled up every second of Sundance week because it put me with the Utah hipsters. I might not be a hipster, but I enjoy the vibe apart from the Utah usual. Short of hitting up the BYU scene, where do I connect with those types? Do I dare try to link into the BYU set? If I could connect with older BYU friends, perhaps - I might be a Cougar, but I'm not that kind of cougar, if you catch my drift. ;)

Also on the agenda so far is attending Institute in Sandy and trying out the ward in which I live (instead of the SoJo one I attend). But beyond this, I need to tap into my network, friends. If you know of anything going on in the area, do tell! I'm open to all thoughts. What is the LDS equivalent of the bar scene?!I just need to meet engaging, likeminded people with whom I can enjoy all the fun out there to be had.

Something's Coming

Oh, West Side Story. How I love you so. The musical genius of Leonard Bernstein AND Stephen Sondheim in one great show, coupled with delightfully kinetic choreography by Jerome Robbins? Count me in!

This morning I felt like bursting out in "I Feel Pretty" ('cause I do. LOVE the outfit I pieced together of a bunch of stuff I already have. Don't you love when that happens? It's rare. Let me revel in it!). Well, as much as I wish life were a musical, I doubt the rest of my department would appreciate the song-and-dance routine, so I've been listening to the soundtrack all morning instead. More cubicle-friendly and all.

And, wow! I forget how great this show is. Hoping to catch the national tour in Costa Mesa next fall. (The tour starts this October, but it's not coming to Salt Lake. Oh, gee. Guess I gotta take another trip to California. Twist my arm...)

Meanwhile, enjoy this video for one of my all-time favorite songs. Wouldn't it be great if we could all have such enthusiasm for the future and what life holds for us?