Letting Go and Grasping "That Good Part"

I have a paper due tomorrow - the first school paper I've had to write in, oh, seven-ish years. So here I sit, sipping a caramel apple cider float (Seriously. OBSESSED. You must try, friends!), listening to this wonderfulness, and blogging. Naturally.

You call it procrastination, I call it much-needed "negative time."

Lately it feels like all I do is work - at my job, at school, at my side projects, at my calling, at self-improvement. Coming from a family of workaholics, it's not hard for me to feel this constant need to work, especially when my to-do list never seems to end. After all, as I've written before, work has a wonderful spiritual dimension that expands our souls as it strengthens us and expands our capacities, stretching us to new heights.

But sometimes... we need to stop. Seriously.

There is a point at which being "anxiously engaged in a good cause" gives way to "run[ning] faster than [we have] strength," which we're told is beyond the realm of doing all things with wisdom and order, and I feel like I've reached that point. Even the fun things like playing with friends, dating, and traveling have somehow shifted into feeling like more work, and that simply is not acceptable.

After all, Christ made time to draw away from the crowds and refocus. He chided Martha for being so "cumbered about much serving" that she failed to choose "that good part" and drink deeply from Living Waters at the Savior's feet while she had the opportunity. The Prophet Joseph Smith was advised to "not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided... but be diligent unto the end." Even Elder Richard G. Scott gave a wonderful example in April 2011's General Conference about how his wife urged him to play in the fall leaves with his young children instead of fixing their broken washing machine.

There will forever be things that need doing. There will never be the opportunity to go back, however, and to change those crucial interpersonal moments that get lost in the shuffle. A quote I heard in church earlier this summer has become words I've tried to live by ever since:

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.

(And sometimes that person deserving love is ourselves.)

In order to give that all-important love, we need water in our well from which to draw. We've even been commanded to "be not weary in well doing." I think that goes beyond not getting sick of doing good things. We also need to avoid getting sick from doing too much "well doing" at the expense of our hearts and sanity.

Lately I feel like I've just been present - and that's about as good as it gets. My recent trip to Denver was lovely, but I felt like such a zombie!!! I can get away with that with close friends, but with new people (more specifically, with these awesome guys who have asked me out of late), it simply doesn't cut it. I feel like with each date I've gone on in the last several months - since my play started in the spring, really - I've felt like

even if I looked more like

And that honestly goes for at least a dozen dates this year. How unfortunate! I just load up on caffeine, put on a smile, and do my best to be engaged and interesting when, really, I could fall asleep any minute. An exhausted shadow of the awesome person I can be is hardly the impression I want to leave.

The upside to the craziness is that it's caused me to really reevaluate my priorities, to find what I can trim and to let things go in their season. I've honed in on energy-zapping relationships and said that basically it gets better, or we don't have a relationship. (Most empowering thing ever!) I simply don't have the energy to waste on that anymore. I'm a less anxious dater now because I don't have the time to spend fretting about what his interest level is. I know if I'm interested or not, and either way, whatever happens isn't a reflection on my worth or value. Sometimes the chemistry doesn't ignite. No use worrying about it. Things happen or they don't - and what's right to happen will happen eventually.

Best of all, I'm learning to let go of the concept of being perfect. Honest to goodness, one of my Thirty, Flirty and Thriving goals was to strive for perfection by 30. Sure, I'd say, I know perfection isn't actually attainable... but let's be honest. I really did want to get as close to it as possible. But now, I'm embracing the gifts of imperfection and vulnerability, seeing the wisdom and order in just being good enough and doing my best. It may not be perfect, but it's all I can give.

After all, that's why we have a Savior - to bridge the gaps where we fall short, not only in terms of sin and sickness but in everyday shortcomings.

And it's beautiful to let go and embrace "good enough." All these things I do aren't who I am, after all. It's important to be engaged, but it's also important to not get so depleted that there's nothing left to give.

So for now, I'm going to read this (and listen to) this BYU devotional by Elder Neal A. Maxwell over and over and over again until it sinks in. And I'll keep diligently doing my best, but I'll also work on refilling my bucket so I can get back to the main purpose we're here on this planet:

"Adam fell that man might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Honey, I'm home!

Vacation was fabulous. FABULOUS. Seriously, I had such a blast! The trip definitely merits some more in-depth chronicling (complete with some pics), but seeing as I'm terrible about blogging these days, here's a teaser list of what I did on my summer vacation:

* Star-gazed with a dear old friend in Cache Valley (near Logan)

* Went four-wheeling - and discovered that makes your back all tight and sore for a few days, lol. Who knew?

* Ate Cafe Rio. Twice.

* Went through the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house in flipflops - it was a spur-of-the-moment decision (and a wonderful one at that - thanks, Melissa!)

* Marveled at an awesome summer storm with my little cousins in the cabin loft

* Saw three black bears in Yellowstone (including one who hopped up on his hind legs and scratched his back against a tree - awesome!!!)

* Caught a fish - and watched in disbelief as my uncle and grandma released aforementioned fish back into the lake. And then watched as they managed to catch a dozen-plus fish between them while I didn't get a single other bite all day. Lame, lame, lame - I so wanted to eat a fish I caught!

* Took in a fabulous production of Guys and Dolls at the Playmill Theatre - my favorite tradition for 20 years now!!! 

* Ate way too many of my grandma's homemade chocolate-covered peanut butter balls. Soooo worth it, though!

* Slept in five beds in nine days. (Alone, of course - not a hussy! That could soooo be taken the wrong way...)

* Loved the "biggest fireworks show west of the Mississippi" on the banks of the Snake River in Idaho Falls - it was amazing! And hearing my friend Elise sing the national anthem at the swanky party across the creek wasn't too shabby, either.

* Marveled at the bizarre hairstyles so prevalent in Idaho. Note to the men: mullets are not attractive. Get over it. Note to the women: lay off the hairspray, ladies! And teasing should be done to children, not your hair.

And that, my friends, pretty much encapsulates the last week and a half of my life. So delightful! More tales to come soon, I'm sure...

A Cozy Saturday morning

Right now I am curled up in my all-too-comfy bed, noshing on In-N-Out and watching Anne of Green Gables.

Why?

Because I can.

It's been a hectic couple of weeks, and today was supposed to be crazy busy, too, but my lunchdate was cancelled, and, well, a few hours to myself sounds like the greatest thing in the world.

Sure, I have laundry that needs doing, a car needing washing, errands that need running and an apartment that could use decorating for Christmas.

But I realize that someday my weekends won't revolve around trips to Disneyland and L.A., movies with the girls or even my own boring errands. Things will get even busier than they are now, busy with caring for others who will be at a loss if I slack off.

So I'll take a lazy Saturday while I can.

Ah, Anne of Green Gables. That Gilbert Blythe is too cute!

My cheeseburger is calling my name... yum-o!