New Beginnings

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." -- Semisonic, "Closing Time"

Friends, think back with me to a time when you ventured into the unknown--first day at a new school, first Sunday in a new church congregation, a first date, or even the first social outing with a new set of friends. Remember the butterflies? The queasy uneasiness? The nerves and petrifying fear, wondering how this next chapter of your story would play out?

Well... I'm on the precipice of major changes once again, and somehow I keep thinking this will get easier with age, but... it doesn't. It still feels raw and vulnerable and so scary to face the unknown, walk away from what's comfortable and joyous and working, and venture into a new opportunity with no certainty of what lies ahead.

This January, I will officially age out of being in a young single adult ward (congregation) and will once again attend a "family" (traditional) ward for the first time in my adult life. I haven't been part of a family ward since the Sunday before I graduated from high school!!! I left high school graduation in my cap and gown and moved straight up to BYU, where I've been actively engaged in the YSA scene ever since--from BYU wards aplenty to the two singles wards in the southernmost tip of Orange County to four wards across the four years I've been back in Utah. In each case, a huge chunk of my social life (if not the majority, honestly) has derived from the friendships made within the current ward. It's so natural in LDS life!

Singles wards are busy busy--three hours of church on Sundays (plus a couple more hours of leadership meetings for the bulk of the last nine years), post-church potlucks, ward prayer, firesides, Monday night "Family Home Evening" activities, mid-week Institute classes, a number of activities that pop up throughout the weeks and weekends... and that's only the formal stuff! Then there are the social gatherings that naturally grow out from the friendships cultivated through so much church-sanctioned interaction.

And in a mere seven weeks... that part of my life and my identity will end. Completely. Forever. And there's not a danged thing I can do about it.

To say this feels intimidating and powerless is an understatement. I absolutely adore my ward! And the feeling is mutual. I was out of town yesterday and managed to receive at least five texts or Facebook messages from friends, telling me how missed I was and asking how I'm doing.

Come January, I'll switch to a family ward, which is what it sounds like--a congregation filled with participants of all ages and stages of life instead of the 18-31-year-old singles of YSA wards. Each type of ward has its benefits; a family ward certainly trumps the YSA ward on depth of life experience, especially in the ward into which I'm heading. I've been attending intermittently since August to ease the transition, and I've been nothing but impressed with what I've found there.

But that still doesn't stop me from having a heartbreaking sense of loss, defeat, and trepidation each time I walk into the back of the chapel and sit alone, uncertain of what the heck I'm doing there... feeling like a failure in the deepest, most visceral sense.

My life's mission is to marry and raise a family--no, not in some broad, sweeping gender stereotype sort of a way, but in a personal, Christa's-hopes-and-dreams sort of a way. It's all I've ever wanted, and getting booted from the singles ward because I've expired is really, truly the actualization of one of my greatest fears. I never wanted this to happen, just like I never expected to graduate from BYU single. And while that unexpected life path has brought countless blessings and such great happiness that I wouldn't have had it any other way... that still doesn't completely soothe the sting of feeling like I've failed to accomplish the One Big Thing I want in my life.

And... oh, the ridiculousness... I also recognize that with each passing year, I grow closer to the inevitable fulfillment of that dream, and it fills me with just as much trepidation as the lack of it does too!!! Talk about a Catch-22--I just can't win!

Couple those senses of loss and uncertainty with how the other Big Thing I wanted to happen didn't, and... I haven't felt so at a loss for understanding where I fit into this great, big world and what comes next in my story in a loooooooong time. And for a PLANNER, feeling totally lost and unsure of what's next is just about the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world!!!!

I do trust in God's timing and in His plans for my life--and, without a doubt, His plans always turn out to be a million times more amazing than anything I've dreamed or schemed for my own days.

But still... this hurts. A lot. And as much as I just want to savor every last second of my seven weeks in the singles ward, the fact that I know it's ending and soon just rips up my heart. I felt like I missed enough with yesterday's absence while in another state. How on earth will I handle stepping away when geographically I haven't budged?!

How do you handle life's great disappointments and unexpected twists? Goodness knows this problem pales in contrast to the life-or-death battles friends of mine are facing--and these kinds of disappointments are just part of life. I'm no different from anyone else. But even so, I'd love to hear how you cope!

Spring Awakening

"Does a snake mourns the skin it sheds as it grows? Or a butterfly—does it hesitate when breaking free from its chrysalis and flying onward and upward?"

These are the thoughts I find myself pondering tonight. Glorious as it may be, growth means departing from the familiar and moving into the unknown, trusting that great things are ahead but not really knowing what that means. And for someone who struggles to let go of the reins, venturing into the unknown world alone is about as terrifying and uncomfortable as it gets!

The end of 2012 dovetailed with a life chapter's closing, and while I charged headlong into the new year with big hopes and aspirations... life had other plans (including two months of bronchitis). Six weeks ago I finally stepped into some semblance of a normal life, and... it's been a start-and-stop process ever since, relearning to what it means... well... to be me. 

I guess when you break a bone and reset it, there's inevitably a period of physical therapy, right? The fracture has healed, and that old, pesky limp is FINALLY gone, but the atrophied muscles have to awaken and regain their strength, and it takes so much patience and perseverance to get back to running and kicking and swimming and dancing and all those good things. And none of those will feel or function quite how they did before, nor should they.

Well... I suppose my heart, mind, and spirit are in something akin to physical therapy.

It's weird, picking up the pieces and moving forward into life again after a year spent on hold—breaking down to the core, working through heartbreaks, treasuring every moment with my sweet grandmother, transitioning into a new phase of complete independence. I didn't realize just how dearly I needed the connection and purpose and belonging I felt in Grandma's last months... and now... it's just me again. No roommates. No place in a family unit. No debt. No emotional obligations. I've never been so wholly independent in every sense—which is both liberating and isolating. 

As much as I try to look at everything as an opportunity... it's not easy. Most of the time I feel kind of lost. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things... but I don't have the desire to push as hard as I once could. Busy is not a badge I like to wear anymore. Slowing down is great... except when it reminds me that I'm alone. Keeping the "nobody loves you" gremlins at bay is a frequent battle. I know in my head that I'm dearly loved by many... but when my days come and go with little meaningful connection to others, it gets tough to really believe that in my heart.

New friendships have helped immensely—I've been adopted into a wonderful group that fits so well, and we do dinner twice a week plus play games on Sunday nights—but there again, it's a mixed blessing. New relationships require patience and effort and vulnerability—and goodness knows I feel vulnerable enough as it is just existing these days! I'm finally authentic and comfortable in my skin... but what it means to "be myself" is new, too. I'm not who I was a year ago (or six months ago, even). Just skimming my blogposts from as recent as December... man. That feels like ancient history. Even the focus on my "30 by 30" list—who was that girl?! So much of it seems silly and trivial now in the grand scheme of things. Familiar, good things are snapping back into place, like a desire to bake again Sunday for the first time in ages. But the deeper, emotional things are all new.

And it's funny, because when I get out of my own way and just LIVE, I do wonderfully. People tell me I'm amazing frequently... and I'm not trying for that feedback. I'm just being myself. But when I think about it, that's when I second-guess and wobble and fall—getting scared, wanting to run away and hide in my condo, where it's safe. And don't even get me started on dating!!! So many false starts lately that ultimately lack real traction and potential... but hope still prevails. It'll happen when it happens, and when it does, it'll be glorious.

Meanwhile... I just keep trekking along. Usually I like imparting of some overarching insight or wisdom when wrapping up a blogpost, but this time? I got nothing, kids. I'm making life up as I go! And, really, I guess that's the best insight of all, because that's reality. It's all we're asked to do—no more, no less.

But I will leave you with a couple gems I've found of late:

"You're going to become more tolerant with time, and not only because you have more to tolerate in yourself. Because life will batter you and you'll have a surer sense of what's important and has meaning and is good."—Peggy Noonan, 

Wall Street Journal

And...

A Word on My Single Status

Friends, I feel like every time I say anything remotely related to dating or along the veins of saying that I'd like to be married, I need to give a disclaimer.

So I'm going to give this disclaimer once. Please listen and take note - and I'm sure your other single friends would concur.

Ready?

When your response to anyone's commentary on their own singleness is something along the lines of a platitude or patronizing remark about how "It'll happen at the right time..." or "Just have faith..." or "Aren't you so glad you can traipse around New York City while I'm at home potty-training an unruly toddler?!"

Please... and I say this with the most love in my heart possible...

Save your breath.

There.

I said it.

After 12 1/2 years of being in the marriage-obsessed LDS singles scene, believe you me, I've heard it all. I understand and appreciate that the comments and compliments are meant to lighten my load, but honestly, they don't.

Because I know undoubtedly that God is preparing an amazing, righteous, wonderful man for me. I know that he will be worth every bad date endured, every tear shed, every hope dashed painfully to pieces. The caliber of men I've dated in the last couple of years, coupled with the phenomenal guy friends in my life, assure me that there are still plenty of keepers out there. I don't opt into the "all the good ones are taken" philosophy. Mine's out there, and he'll come when he and I are both ready for it. Period. End of story. And I wouldn't have him come along a moment sooner.

Because if I'd wanted just to be married by now, I would be. I've had offers, guys. And I mean that pretty seriously, even if the relationships didn't have labels affixed. There's one in particular who would marry me this minute, and boy, I would be the most cherished, lucky lady in the world... except for that whole temple marriage thing. I can't budge there. Some things you just plain don't settle on.

Because when I say I could really use a husband right now to hold my hand as I face the passing of my grandmother, I don't mean it as an invitation for platitudes. You mean well. I get it. I appreciate it. But I'm not complaining. I'm just acknowledging reality. There is a difference. I want someone who will hold me as I cry. I need that now more than I ever have in my 30 years. There's not a person on whom I can call for that right now (well, in the same state as me, at least), and that stings. I'm tired of being strong and feeling like I have to do it all myself. I want someone who is mine forever and always, from whom I can claim protection, companionship, comfort, support, etc. and who I can, in return, love with all of my heart, who I can nurture and cherish, with whom I can just plain enjoy how fun and wonderful life can be. Even awful situations like a midnight ER run can be an adventure with the right company, as my best friend and I learned last weekend. Yes, I have amazing friends who are here for me. And I don't discount that. But they have lives - busy lives and families of their own. And due to how I was raised, my default assumption is that I'm bothering people if I ask anything of them. I've had a lifetime of self-sufficiency. I want someone to whom my life materially matters, and vice versa.

Because life is supposed to be a team sport. Remember that whole Adam-Eve thing about it not being good for man to be alone? It's right there at the start of the Bible for a reason - it's the most essential, basic part of this earth-life experience.

Because I am really, truly, blissfully happy with my life right now. It is amazing. I'm done waiting to let myself fully enjoy and embrace my happiness with life as it is right now. No more asterisks. No more "Everything's great... except I just need a good man." So please refrain from discounting my happiness and putting conditions on it for me, okay? My post about how blissful and perfect my Thanksgiving was this year elicited a comment about how "all it was missing was a good man, and that will come!" Gag. Me. I know she meant well, but... she really didn't need to remind me what I'm missing and then top it with trite words of "comfort." I'm not postponing my happiness. Please don't do it for me, either.

Because it'll happen when it's right, and really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am not worried about it. Do you have any concept of the energy I've expended in the last decade-plus, worrying about dating and crushes and trying to read between lines and decipher what's going on in the minds of the objects of my affection?! Can you imagine the amazing things I could have accomplished by channeling that into something productive?! Yeah. I don't want to regret wasted time and energy anymore, either. And after the last year, I'm out of extra emotional energy for the wasting anyway.

And, most of all, because I'm not going to pretend the lack's not there anymore than I'll let myself be defined by it. It is what it is, just as much as I can't control my height (but I can improve my posture) or my grey hair (but I can dye it). I'll make the absolute most out of my current single status, but acknowledging reality is neither a whining complaint nor a cry for complimentary platitudes. I know why I haven't gotten married yet - I've needed this time to grow and learn. I am an amazing woman now, far better than I was a year ago, and I am sooooo glad I didn't meet Mr. Right a moment sooner.

Please join me in embracing the awesomeness of what's there and letting go of what we can't control. And thank you, as always, for your love and good intentions. I appreciate it.

Growing Up

"I could really use a manual for adulthood right about now!" I thought exasperatedly, unsure of what I "should" be doing. What do you do when the call to say final goodbyes to Grandma comes while you're en route to a dress rehearsal for tomorrow's big Christmas concert?

Well, if you're me, you go to rehearsal and then pull the all-night bedside vigil. So here I sit, kids, listening to cheesy Christmas music while Grandma sleeps, unaware I'm in the room. My fingers are always so cold in the winter, I don't dare even touch her, lest she wake.

But I sit. I wait. I think and wonder what lies ahead. How exactly are you supposed to handle losing the person you love most in the whole wide world? The one constant in your 30 years, the one sure source of unconditional love (tough and no-nonsense as she is)? My grandmother has become one of my best friends, and the reality that she won't be here much longer is something my mind and heart can't quite grasp.

She'll never get to hear how Thursday's date goes. I'll never play Scrabble or Yahtzee with her again, or eat waffles slathered in peanut butter and syrup with her while sitting at the cabin's dining room table, watching the early morning fishermen on Henry's Lake. We'll never attend a temple session together again, each nudging the other awake. But the never-evers are almost worse to consider. She'll miss my wedding. My children will never get to meet her, nor will my future husband. Would she think he's good enough for me? I'll never get to ask. What on earth will I do without her as an oracle of sage wisdom and advice on everything from family to career to dating to cooking to health? We have such different personalities, and yet, I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

She moves her head. I perk up, hoping she might wake so I can say hi, but she keeps snoring, and I keep waiting. And wondering. It's a helpless feeling, having absolutely no clue what to do but to sit. But sometimes, just sitting and being still are all you can do.

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

Nothing summarizes my year of working toward hitting 30 better than these famed words by Charles Dickens:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Sure, he was referring to the French Revolution and grandiose things that changed the world. I'm just talking about 12 months of my life - but, hey, still applies. My 29th year was, in so many ways, completely devastating and heartbreaking - letting go of longtime hopes on the family front, battling the reemergence of longtime health problems, falling hard for someone and then being left puzzled by something lovely unraveled. Oh, and all of those came to a head at the same time. Overwhelming is an understatement! I literally cried every day for about six weeks during the worst of it. Basically everything between December and May is a hazy blur. I feel like I lost a season of my life.

But at the same time, all of that heartbreak came with immense illumination. I could never have become the stronger, more confident, more compassionate, more patient version of myself without wading through those experiences. More on that in #4.

And so, without further adieu, here's a recap of where I stand on each of my "30 by 30" goals:

1. Become a "True Aggie."
   
   
   DONE!!! Thank you, Patrick, darling. Taxes AND True Aggiedom all in one weekend? He's pretty amazing like that. :) We've been friends (and sometimes more) for almost a dozen years now, and I absolutely adore the guy. So glad we managed to make this happen before he moved out of state!
   
   
2. Visit five new states. Sadly, I failed on this one. I did add Georgia to the list, but that was all. Plenty of travels - Southern California, Seattle, Denver, Tetons, Yellowstone - but not much new territory covered.
   
   
3. Go on 30 dates.
   
   
   DONE!!! It was an amazing journey, too. More on that here. I've been on quite a few dates since then, too, and I love it! Dating is such a fun way to expand horizons and get to know people on a different level than in "the friend zone," even if you only go on a date or two with a person. Admittedly, it's taken me a long time to shake off the disappointment (and continuing confusion) of one of the guys, but I'm looking forward to diving into my new life in Orem, getting back out there, and making the most of my last year in the YSA world. (For you non-LDS folks, we get kicked out of singles congregations at 31. The pressure is on!)
   
   
4. Become my authentic self. DONE!!! This was, hands down, the biggest challenge on the list. It meant opening up a Pandora's box and working through the disappointments and heartbreak I've swept under the rug for a lifetime. But I stepped up to the challenge, and it's been the most rewarding - albeit heartbreaking - thing I've ever done. I've done well by myself where this is concerned. Am I perfect? No. But I'm doing my absolute best to be true to myself, and that's enough.
   
   Furthermore, I've learned that letting go, while disappointing, is sometimes all you can do. It's so, so, so vital for sanity's sake to recognize what you can and can't control, and to learn to be comfortable with the unknown. I'm still working on it, but I'm definitely better at it now than I was a year ago. And nothing is forever! Relationships - familial, friends, romantic - evolve and change. Goodness knows I've had enough people cycle in and out of my life at various times. So stepping away from a loved one for now doesn't mean they won't circle back later. The upside is that when they do circle back, it's because they realize your value. Chasing after them will never accomplish that. We all deserve to be loved and cherished by those we love and cherish. Reciprocity is sooooo important in all areas of life. Sometimes we'll give more than we take, but it should balance out in the aggregate.
   
   
5. Attend the temple at least 30 times.  DONE!!! I also started working my way through all the temples in Utah, and I've only got three left there (St. George, Monticello, and Oquirrh Mountain - although I have been to St. George and Oquirrh Mountain before, just not in this go-around).
   
   
6. Learn to ski. DONE!!! Well, attempted, at least. And I hated every minute of my miserable day on the slopes. But, hey, I did give it a try, at least.
   
   
7. Drive Route 66. Boo! Didn't happen. Honestly, I'm glad, because I've needed to have flexibility with my PTO this year. But I should be able to make this happen in the spring. I'm itching to hit the open road for a few weeks and explore!!!
   
   
8. Go on a cruise with my best friends. Nope. But at least Haas and I got to visit Tabitha in Georgia, which was lovely, and I now live 5-10 minutes from Rebecca (we both moved to Orem the same week!). I absolutely love these three women (only two pictured below - we need a more current quartet shot!). They are my foundation, and I am so ridiculously blessed to have them in my life! Hopefully we can get away for girls' weekends annually when their kids get a little older...
   
   
   
   
9. Be debt-free. Working on it - should be by 31.
   
   
10. Sew what? No, my sewing machine just kept gathering dust. But now that I have a craft room and a sewing table, this one should get in motion. After all, I've got a home to decorate now! Planning to make my own curtains and pillows for the living room.
    
    
11. Get at least one really, really good kiss.
    
    
    
    You'd think, right? 30+ dates with 20-something guys, and I should've managed at least ONE?! But I don't kiss quickly or outside the context of a relationship, True Aggie-ness excepted (and we were so down to business about it!). I did have good chemistry with one of the guys, but we didn't get past holding hands (awwwww... presh). So. Let's throw this on the list again.
    
    
12. Hike Mt. Washburn. Health problems sidelined me through much of the last year, and by the time my strength was back, I was too swamped to make time for these hikes. However, I will be accomplishing this one on my upcoming Idaho trip. [UPDATE: DONE!!! As my blistered feet can attest. Totally worth it, though. Veni, vidi, vici, folks. And guess who bought a National Parks pass?! Soooo excited!!!]
    
    
13. Hike the Y. See #12 - planning to go with Stacy soon, to make up for our failed attempt at graduation ages ago.
    
    
14. Hike Timp. See #12. My company goes every fall, so I figured I'd join in there, but it's not happening this year! So I'll have to get some friends to try this before it gets too cold.
    
    
15. Read 30 books. Hmmmm... close, but not quite. According to Goodreads, I read 20 books since last August. I might have missed reporting one or two in there, but still, I didn't quite hit 30. Darn!
    
    
16. Finish the Book of Mormon twice. Halfway there? I finished it once and am working on another go-around.
    
    
17. Get starstruck. Well... I downloaded a star app and did a good amount of stargazing this year, including enjoying the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night in the Tetons (one of the most exquisite celestial experiences of my life!). But I didn't study up on this like I'd wanted.
    
    
18. Lose 30 pounds. Boo, health problems! I didn't lose 30 more, but I did manage to maintain last summer's weight loss for the most part. I discovered the awesomeness of the paleo diet and really love how I feel when I'm skipping glutens and sugar - but it's hard to do that when you're crunched for time! Hoping to get back to that when things settle down in a few weeks.
    
    
19. Make time to WRITE. Nope. Heartbreak zaps all of my desire and sparkle to write. So beyond finishing a personal narrative from last summer, this didn't happen (although I did journal a bunch during the Mr.24-29 episode). And I'm still in repair, but hopefully I can make this a priority for my 30s in general. I love writing!!!
    
    
20. Just dance. Not as much as I'd like. I did discover yoga this year, so yay for that! I do best in a structured class environment, so I'm hoping to do zumba at the Orem Rec Center a bunch and get back in the swing of attending Ballet Blast, though. Feels sooooo good!
    
    
21. Sing, sing, sing.
    
    
    
    DONE!!! Ah! Finally! Another success. This one had a few success iterations, too - singing with Lehi Chorale last Christmas, taking voice lessons (if only for a little while), getting into the audition-only Mapleton Chorale for this year (we're a couple weeks into rehearsals, and I LOVE it!!!). Feels amazing to have choral singing back in my life again weekly. I quite love it.
    
    
22. Put my clothes away in the closet, not on the floor. DONE!!! Well... at least I was... and then I got close to moving and stopped caring, haha. But my new bedroom has so much space! I have a double closet that takes up the entire length of my room, complete with built-in shelves and whatnot. No excuse to not be on top of this.
    
    
23. Reinstate "Christa Dates." DONE!!! I go through busy-busy waves and need to get better/consistent with this, but one of the lessons learned with the health problems is to listen to my poor body and learn to slooooooow dooooooooown sometimes. So I've learned to make plans by myself, whether it be going to a movie, taking a canyon drive, or browsing the outlets in Park City. Extroverted as I am, that alone time is golden.
    
    
24. Stop snoozing. Bahahahaha... no. Such a hard habit to break! Still working on it...
    
    
25. Give up the Diet Pepsi once and for all. DONE!!! And then my life got insane this month with moving and traveling... and I got back on the bottle. Curses!!! I'll have to go through the withdrawal process all over again in a week, when I give it up again after Labor Day. Not a pretty sight, but I did feel better not needing the fix to wake up my brain.
    
    
26. Write in my journal weekly. Not so much - which is funny, because usually writing is sooooo therapeutic for me to process stuff. But I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with stuff in real time and then reliving it on paper. So... now that I'm back to good, I should get on top of this again.
    
    
27. Learn to poach an egg.
    
    
    DONE!!! My darling friend Emily was sweet enough to film a tutorial for me, and I did follow it step by step in order to make some amazing Eggs Benedict from scratch. So fun!!!
    
    
28. Make the most of my commute. DONE!!! I could've done this even more, but I did up my audiobooks and Church talk listening on the drive. It makes such a difference. Some of my favorites: the audio of Jacqueline Kennedy's interviews a few months after JFK's assassination, Tina Fey's Bossypants, and many a talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell.
    
    
29. Run a 5K. I did two 5Ks this year - Color Me Rad back in April, and then the Freedom Run in July - but health problems wiped me out from running and training as I'd hoped. Actually, it was when walking the color run left me flat on my back in bed for two days that I realized something was seriously wrong, healthwise. And now I'm fine! Really need to make this happen for the 30th year.
    
    
30. Channel my inner Annie Oakley. Nope, and I don't even have a good excuse other than a busy schedule and other priorities. Hopefully I can go shooting with my cousin this fall.

It's in the Stars

So... confession: I totally buy into astrology where it describes personality traits, largely because I fit my own so ridiculously perfectly. It's intriguing, and I always enjoy reading up on descriptions for friends, family, and - let's be honest - romantic prospects. It's all in the stars, I know.

Don't believe me? Here's what an August 30th baby's supposed to be, according to TLC - think it fits the bill?

Virgos born on August 30 have an overwhelming urge to express their individual identities. They have a great love of learning, travel, and the written word. They are known for their discriminating good taste and good looks and always appear well dressed in public. Although August 30 people seem calm, they're actually high-strung and excitable.

Friends and Lovers

People born on this date are sincere friends. They're extremely fun-loving and enjoy a vibrant social life. They are natural romantics who often fall in love with love. The tumult that characterizes their relationships is usually of a positive nature.

Children and Family

August 30 natives are often the beneficiaries of a fortunate upbringing. They are dearly loved by family. As parents, they are good at encouraging their little ones to express themselves as creatures who exist apart from their parents. This liberal approach brings children and parents together.

Health

People born on August 30 are not overly concerned with health and exercise. They have a great interest in food and make excellent cooks and nutritionists but are not averse to eating junk food. Though Virgo natives tend to be slim, August 30 people have a tendency to put on weight. They may favor competitive sports.

Career and Finances

People born on this date have a broad view of their world. They like to express their expansive personality through work. Because they think big, they have a tendency to spend big. Fortunately, they have a talent for financial management.

Dreams and Goals

August 30 natives have a positive attitude about life; setbacks and delays don't worry them. They are self-confident and can envision their success before it happens. They want to accomplish great things but also want to live well and in a worldly manner.

 Yup. Me to a tee!

PS: Ohmigosh, I'm 30!!! How did that happen?!? I really need to do a "30 by 30" recap, but with moving, celebrating, singing in choir, being busy at work, traveling, etc., it might be a little late. Ah, well... par for course in my world. 

45 Life Lessons from a 90 Year Old

My friend Jessi posted this on Facebook, and it was too great not to pass along. Enjoy!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye... But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don’t forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Are You Online?

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks make online dating look waaaaaay more fun and adorable than it is in reality.

As chagrined as I am to admit this, I am now an active participant in online dating. I've "been online" for a while, but other than that one really awkward/awful date back in November (you know, the one where he audibly mouthed EVERY WORD to EVERY SONG in the concert we were attending? *shudder*), I haven't met up with any of the fellas I've e-met via dating sites.

Until now.

Suddenly I have a date with a 45-year-old attorney this afternoon (to get sodas and talk politics/history) and another date with a 41-year-old pathologist on Saturday, plus I'm communicating with a handful of guys via eHarmony's "free communication" weekend.

And I'm still not sure how I feel about this whole interwebs dating thingamajigger.

On the one hand, the internet is the modern-day watering hole. Mormons don't really do the whole bar scene, so if you're looking to meet people beyond your daily routine, it's kind of a natural way to boost your network. Seeing as I'm on the older end of my ward, there are only a handful of guys in my dating range there. And work? Well... I can count the number of single guys I know at our company on two hands. Not to say there's not quality there, because there are some total winners - but there's not quantity. And I do have friends or hear about friends of friends who met reputable, upstanding, awesome spouses via the interwebs, so I know it caaaan be done. In theory.

On the other hand... online dating just is not natural. Online profiles and emailed "flirts" are no replacement for standing face to face with a cute guy and conversing (both verbally and nonverbally). You really can't get a feel for someone from online interaction, nor can you make judgment calls on whether someone's a stud or dud based on any objective standard like age, height, career, etc. Those decisions require meeting up... which requires spending valuable time going through the hoops of emailing and meeting up. Which sometimes sounds less appealing than shoving bamboo under my fingernails. Or doing accounting.

Have any of you had successes or horror stories with the world of online dating?

{PS: So... I bailed on today's date. I know. Awful. Legitimately, I'm not feeling up to "discussing politics and the Constitution" (something I do love, but not for today). But, really, I also don't have any business dating a man who's closer in age to my father than to me. Any way you slice it, that's creepy, and I'd rather not waste anyone's time from the get-go.}

The Numbers Game

Within the span of two days, I've been texted up by a 24 year old and a 45 year old. When on earth did I hit the age where either extreme is socially acceptable?! It still kinda weirds me out. Age certainly is no determinant of quality or maturity... but I think +/- 5 years is going to be a better fit than -6/+15...

The Late Bloomer's Revolution

Lately I've been listening to Amy Cohen's hilarious (and acerbic) memoir of the single life, The Late Bloomer's Revolution, on my commute. A former sitcom writer and producer, Cohen has a fabulous way of describing thoughts and feelings that are fairly universal for singletons. The details of her life may be a million miles from mine, but—oh man. I can relate. Especially to this excerpt from this morning's chapter which pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about dating right now:

It wasn’t that I had so much free time—it was just that unlike my married friends who had children, I had very little to show for it. In fact, if I added up all the time I spent setting up the first date, choosing what to wear, meeting for drinks or dinner or coffee or brunch, coming home not sure I was into him but wanting him to call anyway, getting the call, anticipating the second date, choosing what to wear again, going on the second date, deciding I kind of liked him, going on the third date, deciding I really liked him, going out a few more times, fantasizing about our bike trip to Italy, getting more serious, feeling happy to be alive, wondering if things were getting weird or whether it was just my imagination, obsessing over why things didn’t work out, chastising myself for not trusting my instincts in the first place, losing a week or four to mild—then extreme—depression, slowly feeling better, vowing to forge ahead and not get jaded, starting the whole process all over again—I could have gotten my MD, read all of Proust, and written an opera in German. Twice.

Yep. Twenty-two dates over the past year, each averaging about three hours, plus an hour or so getting ready for each (and countless hours before and after spent examining and analyzing), and all those communiques in the interim... And, really, I'm no closer to a relationship now than I was when all the dating started nearly a year ago.

It hasn't been a total wash, certainly—I've learned plenty about myself, about dating, and about life in general from the process—but... it's getting old, and it almost makes me wonder if my former date-free norm wasn't so bad after all. Maybe I can just hang around the house in my PJs, and somehow Mr. Right will magically show up on my doorstep... right?

What? It doesn't work that way? *sigh* Alright. Back to the trenches.

30 by 30: The 1/3 Update

Hard to believe it, but yesterday was the four-month mark since my birthday - which means there are only eight months left to make my 30 by 30 list a reality. How's the progress coming along? Well, I thought it was time for an update, so here's where we stand:

• #2: Visit five new states - I went to Georgia in October, so one down, four to go. Boston's up in the air, but I'm feeling strongly like Route 66 will be a go this year, so I'll start making actual plans for it soon. 
• #3: Go on 30 dates - Well, I've made it to 22, so just eight more to go. I think it's doable. Counting them seems silly, so I'll be glad to check this one off, honestly. It feels wrong to make each date a hash-mark on my way to making a goal, especially when some of these guys are just plain wonderful.
• #5: Attend the temple 30 times - Shoot! This one's tough, because I don't always jot down in my planner if I go, and I didn't think to start a hash-mark tally until now. So, from what I could count from my dayplanner, I've been eight times. I think it's more - I was going pretty much weekly from September through November, with some interruption from all the traveling I did in that time - but it's not like it'd be bad to go more than 30, so I'll start counting the next 22. Starting in January, I'm planning to do a session at each of the temples in Utah in 2012, of which there are 12 in operation - I'll try to get through as many of those as I can by my birthday. And for the record, I have come to love the Draper temple deeply, so check on that one!
• #6: Learn to ski - Four lessons booked at Alta, starting Jan. 21. I'm excited!

• #7: Drive Route 66 - See #2. When else will I have friends scattered literally all the way along the route? Chicago, St. Louis, Tulsa, Amarillo, Albuquerque, Sedona, and L.A., not to mention friends in Denver and Omaha for the drive from Utah to Chicago (I think I'd rather drive Lola than get a rental) - I'll only have to pay for a place to stay a handful of nights if I do it this year! So now the debate is timing. I'd wanted to go in the fall, so it'd be cooler, but I don't want to miss out on stuff that closes Labor Day, so... we'll see. Again, whether Boston happens and when will impact this trip's timing.

• #15: Read 30 books / #16: Read the Book of Mormon twice / #28: Make the most of my commute - At least five read so far, according to my Goodreads. Thank heavens audiobooks count! They're making my commute so enjoyable. I finished the Book of Mormon that way and got so much more out of it listening than I usually do reading. I'm a couple chapters into The Late Bloomer's Revolution and am LOVING it. I've got another five audiobooks from Audible to dive into after that one, too, including E.L. Doctorow's Ragtime, which I've wanted to read forever, David McCullough's 1776, and Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers.
• #21: Sing, sing, sing - I'm starting voice lessons in just a few days with my cousin Rob's friend Amanda, through Hale Center Theatre Orem. Pretty excited!
• #25: Give up the Diet Pepsi - This'll be a tough one, but I'm biting the bullet and giving it up with the advent of the new year tomorrow. I've got a detox drink a friend recommended (which is delish!) in lieu of the soda, and I've got PLENTY of ibuprofen on hand for the impending headaches. And, how perfect is this, but I've got one refill left on my soda punch card. Time to redeem that and be done.
• #27: Learn to poach an egg - DONE!!! Today I was feeling particularly culinary, so I not only poached an egg - I made Eggs Benedict, complete with from-scratch Hollandaise sauce and steamed asparagus. It was amazing! The egg wasn't nearly as hard as I'd expected, especially thanks to a handy-dandy video tutorial made just for me by my dear friend Emily.

The rest of them need some work, but I'll get there... eventually. At least I've made a good start, right?

30 By 30: Making the End of My 20s Count

So... this post is about two months overdue, but better late than never, right?

Thirty. 

Holy crepe. How on earth am I staring that milestone in the face?! Feels like just yesterday that I was too young to sit in the bar area of restaurants. My 20s have flow by in such a blur, and I can hardly believe they're nearly over!

Then again, when people in my ward barely graduated from high school... and when my friends are all pretty much done birthing their babies... well... the reality of my age catches up to me. And it isn't a bad thing, either. Besides those occasional moments when I want to run screaming down the hall, I'm pretty much okay with owning my almost-30 status.

Still, ending my 20s is no small feat, and I want to do it well. And so, in no particular order, here are 30 things I hope to accomplish in the next 308 days (some of which are already in progress):

1. Become a "True Aggie." Preferably at the hands... er, lips... of someone who isn't some random stranger.
   
   
2. Visit five new states. And since this goes retroactively to my birthday, Georgia counts - so I've got four to go. If Route 66 happens, then I'll knock out Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. I'm also considering a Spring Break trip to Boston, and I could tack on a road trip around New Hampshire, Vermont, and Maine. So stinkin' excited.
   
   
3. Go on 30 dates. Again, if we date this back to my birthday, I've gone on six so far. But I'm really going back to the beginning of 2011, which puts me at 16 so far. I think I can swing 14 dates in 10 months. I hope.
   
   
4. Become my authentic self. Years ago, my friend Kaylynn wrote a blogpost about becoming her authentic self. That post has haunted me ever since! I wondered what that even meant - and what it would feel like to peel off the layers of self-protecting barriers and be completely comfortable in my skin. I'm getting danged close, and it is the most empowering thing ever! I'm not sure that this process ever really ends, but I'd like to make it a high priority. Dr. Brene Brown has some great stuff on this topic, if you're interested.
   
   
5. Attend the temple at least 30 times.
   
   
   And as a part of that, I'm trying to make the Draper temple my temple of choice (Provo's where I usually go - part sentimentality, part habit). I'd love to feel as connected to the Draper temple as I still do to Newport Beach.
   
   
6. Learn to ski. This will be my ninth winter in Utah, and I've never tried skiing. Ridiculous. Time to start!
   
   
7. Drive Route 66. Finally. This is the time!!!
   
   
   
   
8. Go on a cruise with my best friends. Perhaps we can make it a joint "We're all turning 30!" celebration!
   
   
9. Be debt-free. I'm sooooo clooooooose...
   
   
10. Sew what? I have a sewing machine, but that doesn't mean I know how to sew. Unless there's a proficient seamstress nearby to help me with the bobbin and all that nonsense, I'm hopeless. At the very least, I would love to turn the quilt blocks we made for a friendship quilt in my San Clemente singles ward into a bonafide quilt. And finish those baby quilts I started for Primary Children's Hospital in the spring. (Sorry, Caron!!! I know I'm a slacker!!!)
    
    
11. Get at least one really, really good kiss. Like, of the foot-popping variety.
    
    
12. Hike Mt. Washburn.
    
    
    My poor father pushed us to do this when I was 10, and I whined the entire way up... until I realized how awesome it was that I climbed a freakin' mountain, and I skipped the rest of the way down. For years I've been wanting to go back and do this hike in Yellowstone again, sans the whining. And speaking of hiking...
    
    
13. Hike the Y. Since I'm ashamed that I never got around to this as a BYU student.
    
    
14. Hike Timp. I work at the base of this stunningly gorgeous mountain yet have never attempted to climb it. Again, ridiculousness. This must happen.
    
    
15. Read 30 books. Since we're doing the 30 theme. And textbooks totally count, because 30 is a lot! That's three a month from here on out.
    
    
16. Finish the Book of Mormon twice. And one of those times will be by Christmas, thanks to my stake challenge (that I'm woefully and pathetically hundreds of pages behind on... yikes!).
    
    
17. Get starstruck.
    
    
    And no, I'm not talking about celebrities. I've always been fascinated by stars, but I've never taken the time or made the effort to really learn astronomy or even name many constellations. Definitely a goal worth pursuing.
    
    
18. Lose 30 pounds. Again, with the 30 thing. I'd actually like to go beyond that, but I'd be happy with this. Honestly, it's more pragmatic than cosmetic. Everyone says that your metabolism hits a wall at 30. It's going to be a heck of a lot easier to reach my goal and fight to maintain it than to fight to get there after 30.
    
    
19. Make time to WRITE.
    
    
    And I'm not talking blogging or creating content for pay. I'm talking writing from my heart, putting the proverbial pen to paper and telling stories that keep knocking around in my brain. I'm in a writer's group, so that accountability should help. (Thanks, Rachel!)
    
    
20. Just dance. Dancing feeds my soul, and I can tell the difference in my overall life when I'm dancing and not. Same thing for exercise in general, but dance is definitely my workout of choice. There's a killer ballet-fitness class in Lehi I went to a few times and LOVE - again, just gotta make it a priority. I need to be dancing at least once a week, whether it's a class or just a rock-out session in my bedroom.
    
    
21. Sing, sing, sing. Along the same lines, singing and music bring more joy to my heart than just about anything else. So I'm planning to start voice lessons in January - already have an amazing teacher lined up, soooo excited!!! - and I'd like to get my voice beyond the awesome shape it was in while in OCMCO (which was the peak of my personal vocal performance as far as technique and timbre go).
    
    
22. Put my clothes away in the closet, not on the floor. Harder than it sounds, people. Harder than it sounds.
    
    
23. Reinstate "Christa Dates." I know it sounds so New Age-y, but there's sooooo much value in getting time alone to ponder and just breathe sans pressure or company. In college, I was good about setting aside Friday nights for me time, but these days it's rare. In fact, I blame my snoozing addiction on this. That quiet time before I'm out of bed seems to be the only time I get to myself all day, but indulging in snoozing just makes me start the day rushed. Quality alone time should supplant the snooze. In fact...
    
    
24. Stop snoozing. See above. Addictive! And speaking of addictions...
    
    
25. Give up the Diet Pepsi once and for all. And that goes for all soda, caffeinated or not. Why must flavored, carbonated chemicals be so tasty (but so unhealthy)?! WHY?! Curse you, soda!
    
    
26. Write in my journal weekly. Or at least a few times a month. I tend to blog more than journal, but I also filter what goes on the blog (shocking, right?). So there's a lot of real stuff that doesn't get recorded that should. Although my journals do make for an entertaining read of my dating history, since I somehow manage to get that written down every time. *sigh* Ridiculous girl.
    
    
27. Learn to poach an egg.
    
    
    Eggs Benedict is sooooo my favorite breakfast EVER, largely because of the buttery goodness of the poached egg. However, that's one cooking technique that intimidates me like no other. I've conquered my abject fear of pie crusts (thanks, Mishy!!!) - it's time to take on the poached egg.
    
    
28. Make the most of my commute. I loooooove music, so I'd much rather tune out to some tunes on the drive home than listen to spoken word. However, I'm spending at least 5-10 hours in my car each week. Just think of all the spiritual nourishment I could digest if I spent at least a few of those drives listening to BYU devotionals, General Conference talks, etc.?!
    
    
29. Run a 5K. And I mean actually run it this time. None of that sissy walking because I woke up on race day with legs made of cement. I still hate running, but I can appreciate its health benefits. And maybe if I persist at it, I'll actually grow to love it.
    
    
30. Channel my inner Annie Oakley.
    
    
    I'd love to be the kind of woman who is as proficient on the shooting range as she is in the kitchen. Gotta know how to protect myself, after all. The zombies might really come!!!
    

Whew! Do I ever have my work cut out for me or what?! Should be a fun year, though. And if anyone wants to join me on some of these goals (i.e. traveling, hiking, shooting, running, dancing, etc.), let me know!

Of Greys and Grace

Friends, in case you were unaware, I'm going grey. Like, a LOT. This may come as news, seeing as I make frequent visits to my adorable stylist Brooke to keep my locks matched with my 20-something status... but it's true.

My premature grey status is something with which I've been dealing for nearly a decade. All along I've naturally blamed it on genetics. After all, my father and uncles went grey quite early. Just runs in the family, right?

But while mentioning this to my dad's older sister recently, I realized that none of her kids have gone grey early. And, come to think of it, my older brother isn't nearly as bad as I am. And then I had a mental image my father around my age:

Nope. I've got way more than he did at/near my age. *sigh* So if it's not genetics, what on earth has caused all this grey? I mulled this over and came to some conclusions, the specifics of which are too personal to blog.

However, I thought this takeaway might make a winning parable.

Back in my BYU days, Elder David A. Bednar (who was BYU-Idaho president at the time) gave a remarkable devotional about the enabling power of grace. That talk came to mind again while pondering the greys (pun intended). We have access to "divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ," as the Bible Dictionary defines it. It is that grace which makes immortality possible - but it is that same grace which gives us strength and assistance to do good works that we would not otherwise be able to maintain if left to our own means.

Just as there is absolutely nothing I can do to reverse the course of aging and get my hair to stop greying, life will inevitably bring us trials and challenges for which we have no responsibility and over which we have zero control. Yet we have all the power in the world regarding how we act and react - whether we forgive the offender, whether we let that disappointment / disagreement / offense fester, or whether we let go, march ahead, and make the best of what is.

When the grey hairs started getting noticeable my sophomore year at BYU, I made a choice: color my hair, come what may, until I feel like going grey in middle age. I'm far too young for it now, and boy am I glad to be able to take the reins and control its appearance. I don't like it - I can change it. Simple as that. Heck, as time has worn on, I've gotten adventurous and figured as long as I'm dyeing it, might as well have some fun:

Likewise, the root causes of my grey roots have been circumstances beyond my control. I can't go back and change the past; I can't bear an unending grudge for mistakes made by others in my younger years. It won't change a thing - except to change me for the worse, and why bother? Life is too sweet and wonderful to waste time on unproductive negativity. Really, if I didn't point it out, people wouldn't even notice the grey now, just like how they don't know about past griefs and disappointments unless I say something. Thank goodness we have access to that enabling power of grace through Christ's Atonement. It heals what's broken, strengthens what's weak, and gives additional power to us even when we feel like we have a pretty good handle on things.

And so, off I go to Brooke for another dose of dye and girltalk. On the more eternal scale, it's good to know I choose how vivid I let those past disappointments be in my present - and, thanks to Christ's grace, I happily opt to let them fade away. That's the sort of greying I'm happy to take on.

Confessions of a Late Bloomer

Last night I launched Operation: Meet People. A friend and I went to Utah Young Republicans, hoping to meet some folks. It was... ummm... interesting. Neither as "young" nor as dateable as I'd hoped (although the lecture was fascinating). At least I've kicked off this new phase, getting out there and broadening my social network. (The IRL one. Not the online one.) Having finally blossomed, late bloomer that I am, I am ready to take the world by storm. Question is, where does one begin such a project - especially while living in the Beehive State?

For context...

When I lived in Orange County, I felt like I could never measure up to the standard of apparent awesomeness around me.

The singles scene there was filled with BEAUTIFUL people, pulled together so wonderfully that they could've stepped off of the pages of an Anthropologie catalog. Heck, some of them actually were models. These Orange County native children (including some to whom I'm lucky enough to be related) are of a unique breed - effortlessly cool, confident and radiant. They know just how to pose in every picture, take trips around the globe, live in gorgeous apartments, party on yachts. They listen to indie bands I've never heard of, meet their soulmates through online dating reality series, and pull off color combinations I would never even imagine on my most daring fashion day.

And while I call them friends and think they are just darling and wonderful, that vibe just was never me. I went to the parties sometimes... but always felt like the frizzy-haired country bumpkin. It isn't like I was invited for pity's sake, but still... I'd come but feel overshadowed, always more comfortable to be helping in the kitchen than actually participating in the fun, more like some sort of a third-party observer than part of the crew. Oh, how I wished so much that I could be, but the inner nerd somehow kept an arm's length from believing I could be part of the beautiful crowd.

After all, I grew up with more books than friends. (Really.) And in ill-fitting hand-me-downs, to boot. Bless her heart, but my mother never bothered to teach me really anything... about fashion... dating... confidence. I didn't even know what conditioner was for until living with my dad and stepmom at 13. (Poor Betsy. Her stepchildren were practically feral, raised by wolves.) You can't teach what you don't know, so I'm sure my mother did her best, paltry as it may have been. But in so many ways, I am who I am today only thanks to patient, helpful friends, my years at BYU, and the process of time.

For better or worse, I am a late bloomer. But I've finally bloomed.

And I lament that the blooming had to finally come while in Utah. I've grown by leaps and bounds in the past year or two, shedding those insecurities I'd maintained in California, achieving serious professional success and all the confidence that comes as a by-product. And beyond the professional, I've been able to do so many cool things and stretch my talents and abilities in the last few years, believing that, really, there is nothing I can't do if I'm willing to put in the time and effort. (Which is the key, i.e. running. Wasn't totally willing to do all that was necessary there, but round two begins Monday, and let's hope it's better than last year's venture!) That confidence radiates, apparently, because the gal I see in the mirror is so much prettier than I ever remember her being in Orange County.

After taking a breather from the social scene for the better part of a year (left behind my Lehi crew after moving, spent much of the summer traveling, got busy with politics in the fall, kept busy with the holidays, and then went into GRE study mode for the last two months), I am more than ready to jump back into the social fray. I moved to Utah somewhat depleted - now I'm more whole than I've ever been, brimming with enthusiasm, energy, optimism and confidence. Life is amazing, and everyone has a story to tell. I am so ready to meet some amazing people, make interesting friends, get out on the town and thrive.

But, friends, where do I even begin? Eighteen months down the road I turn 30, and I want to do so "flirty and thriving," for lack of a better tagline. Meeting people is my top social priority right now, and I'm all about friends and quantity - but not lacking quality, either. The Utah scene I've run across thus far just isn't me. Not good, not bad - just not me.

I've been in the fun crowd, social for social's sake. It bored me. There has to be more common ground than belonging in the same ward. I need people who are on the same page - or can at least hold a quality discussion - regarding interests like art, politics, literature, understanding and deconstructing the world. I need that intellectual angle. I gobbled up every second of Sundance week because it put me with the Utah hipsters. I might not be a hipster, but I enjoy the vibe apart from the Utah usual. Short of hitting up the BYU scene, where do I connect with those types? Do I dare try to link into the BYU set? If I could connect with older BYU friends, perhaps - I might be a Cougar, but I'm not that kind of cougar, if you catch my drift. ;)

Also on the agenda so far is attending Institute in Sandy and trying out the ward in which I live (instead of the SoJo one I attend). But beyond this, I need to tap into my network, friends. If you know of anything going on in the area, do tell! I'm open to all thoughts. What is the LDS equivalent of the bar scene?!I just need to meet engaging, likeminded people with whom I can enjoy all the fun out there to be had.

Tick Tock

So, for whatever reason, I had this random thought driving to a lunch date today:

I want to have 4-6 children... but I don't want to end too late, because I don't want to be raising kids as a senior, either.

I know, random, right? Such a thought out of the blue. I think it's because I was thinking about the ridiculously adorable kids I used to babysit. I'm not particularly baby-hungry, as most of you know... but for whatever reason, this thought keeps swirling in my head this afternoon.

Having a big-ish family has always been really important to me. I'm one of three children, and it's a bummer, because I don't have really good "sibling options" with one brother (who's my complete opposite in EVERY way) and a little half-sister (who won't be old enough to be an equal for almost another decade). Some of my friends are best friends with their siblings, and that's something I hope to create in my future fam - but that also means providing a selection of friends, right?

So, being my pragmatic self, I just clicked out a few numbers on the calculator, and here's what I've concluded. I want to have all of my children out of the house by the time I'm 55. That means giving birth no later than when I'm 37.

I just turned 26.

This gives me a mere 11 years to meet "The One," get married and pop out my targeted 4-6 children. And, at the rate I'm going, that marriage thing will take another two years, minimum - which means nine years to crank out 4-6 babies.

Ummm... yeah. No pressure.

So, you know that whole "biological clock ticking" thing that's a pop culture joke?

I'm, uhhhh, kinda sorta starting to understand that.

Not that I'm hoping Hell freezes over and I get on that whole marriage thing ASAP - I'm really, really enjoying my single-career-woman phase right now - but... I don't know. I sort of feel a loss of potential there, for whatever reason.

It's not so much that I'm mourning the postponement of family - it's more like it's all becoming REAL. Like, time keeps flying by, and I feel like I've lost so much potential to become amazing in the last few years because I always figured there was time - there's so much that I want to be before I have to really "grow up." But, uh, almost four years have passed from college - and it still just feels like yesterday! Scary!!!

And I know. We're not really old. But, anyone else starting to feel the sand flying through the sieve?

PS: No need for the platitudes of "it'll happen when it's right" - I know that, and like I said, I'm more fine with it not happening yet than I've ever been. Just throwing these thoughts out there into the void...

Getting Ooooooold...

I know, I know - I'm supposed to be on a blogging vacation.

Well, I just can't help myself. I have 20 minutes left in my lunch break, and instead of knocking out my latest Business Watch column, all I can think about is this post that's been swirling around in my mind.

I'm telling you - blogging = crack.

Anyways, today is my friend/boss Michael's 30th birthday. (See, told you you'd end up in the blog!) For a while now, he's been lamenting turning the big 3-0, mourning how that makes him infinitely older than he was a day ago.

I laugh, but aging has been on my mind a lot lately - see, I'm precisely four years and three days younger than Michael, which means that my 26th birthday is rolling around in - yay, you can count! - three days.

I don't know why, but 26 just seems so... well... adult.

At 25, you're really recognized as a bonafide adult - able to rent a car without ridiculously exorbitant fees, paying cheaper car insurance (well, if you started driving at 16, which I didn't - so much for that perk!), and you are officially kicked off any parents' insurance and such (if you were on them in the first place).

For whatever reason, though, 26 sounds so much more mature. By the age of 26, I figured I'd be a "real" adult - or, at least, that I'd feel like it a little more. I once asked my septugenarian grandmother if you ever hit a point in life where you feel "grown up" a few years ago, though - and she said no, you don't. So much for that idea!

Still - it blows me away when I realize that I've been out of college for 3 1/2 years. That I've had a professional career for that long. That my mother had a 5 year old and a 3 year old by this age. That my 10-year high school reunion is a mere two years away (need any help planning, Aubrey?), and that I've been friends with my high school besties for half my life now. Craziness!

But, that being said, why is getting older such a bad thing? I guess some people see it as a loss of youth and beauty. That doesn't worry me so much as the loss of opportunities, wondering if I misstepped somewhere along the path. Then again, I think there's always room to learn and grow from our hiccups, and I know that I'm sure glad I've aged and grown from the person I was 5, 10 years ago.

I don't know why aging looked down upon so much in our society, anyways. It's so frowned upon, spawing a multimillion (multibillion?) dollar industry to erase all signs of aging. The elderly are put out to pasture, so often disregarded as out of step instead of honored for the steps they've traversed over the years. Age leads to wisdom, maturity and perspective. I am so, so grateful to be able to glean from the life experience (and mistakes) of my parents, my grandmother, my leaders.

So, here's to getting older. Grumbling won't stop the clock - and I'd rather wrinkle my face with laugh lines, not frown lines. :)

P.S. - Good news! I just heard from my taxpayer advocate that I did, indeed, win my year-long battle with the IRS, and I'll soon get back my $204 plus interest. Yippee!!! I feel so empowered - it's like, if you can beat the IRS, you can beat anything, y'know?