Gearing Up for Grandeur

How would you change your day-to-day life if everything you've dreamed of is just around the corner?

This is a thought that I've been chewing on a lot lately. After the blood, sweat, and tears of the last two years, including the aforementioned "physical therapy" phase, I'm finally able to breathe again and to enjoy the sweetness and magnificence that is my life—and with newly gained compassion, patience, insight, and wisdom.

And wonderfully sweet, exciting adventures lie so close in store, I can brush them with my fingertips!

But I've also had a jarring, eye-opening realization in the last week: what does it MEAN if these long-awaited blessings are just around the corner? Am I ready?

In my heart of hearts, I know that my life's on the brink of major, major changes once more. Remember how I felt this... and then this happened? (And events unfolded to make my life infinitely better than anything I could've imagined or realized?) I've gone through enough rounds of this to recognize the pattern.

Which means it's time to work with a laser-like focus on making weak things become strong.

Last week I read this Psychology Today article that examined why/how "bright girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up—and the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses... [because] more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice."

Sigh.

This article hit me profoundly because that is the story of my life! I've always been very, very bright—and, ultimately, it's been detrimental. I have limited myself SO much by not pushing past the limits of my comfort zone and only playing to my strengths. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I just avoid it or brush it off: "I'm just terrible at sports." "I can't do math to save my life."

My eyes are so painfully opened and aware of my weaknesses that I've ignored for this very reason. There are certain things that I've just given into, more or less—knowing I could do better but settling for this complacent mediocrity because, to some degree, I guess I don't believe I can do it. Sad, sad, sad.

Thankfully, the article goes on to discuss what is my new goal: "No matter the ability—whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism—studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Examples abound of friends who have persevered over major obstacles to achieve great things, or who push past their disdain of the work to enjoy the result that work inevitably brings, whether it be running or school work or health issues.

If they can do it, I can too.
Right? In theory?

So, here's to sucking it up, buckling down, and working on becoming amazing. Or, as Sara Bareilles puts it, being BRAVE.

The Power of Connection

I came across this fabulous video from BYU's alumni services today, and it's too great not to share!


Some gems from Ron Clark, Director of BYU Public Affairs and Guest Relations:

"A bunch of our communication now, we're cheating ourselves a little bit because we're addressing a multitude of people all at once. We claim to have 1,000 friends on Facebook, and we're saying the same message to each and every one of them with no individuality. Gone is the feeling of one-on-one communication and feeling—actually being there to rejoice at someone's news or to commiserate with them for just a little while, and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm here for you. I'm your friend. I'm your buddy. I believe in you.' It's all done through space, and we're losing so much of the identity—the individual identity in relationships. It's electronic emotion."

"Emotion does not dwell in a computer. It doesn't dwell in an iPhone. Sincerity cannot be felt that way. Honesty cannot be felt. Even an awkward use of words and phrases one on one that brings out the true nature of who we are and what we are is lost... You build friendships through networking, and a lot of those friendships you keep enjoying for years and years."

"There's nothing to be uptight about. They're people. They have the same basic apprehension that you do and the same awkwardness, and as long as you're the one that's willing to break that ice and walk in, and make a comment, make an observation, and then go to—even if it's a principle—you stick your hand out, you bring them in. It's a gesture of warmth and sincerity and friendship. I love it when people do that to me."

"It totally does away with the ability to be warm and kind and actually loving—natural, relaxed around somebody else. It makes them very, very awkward if you're uncomfortable. Then they spend time trying to make you comfortable and have you feel at ease because they know that they are certainly comfortable in your presence. You want to disarm them from having to worry about that, and if you can speak in a nice, comfortable, lower tone of voice without a lot of aggression—just a couple of warm shakes of the hand and a pat on the back of that elbow—it does wonders to open so many doors."

"Every one of us has a wit, and if we can find what taps that wit and how we can have an exchange of just a little bit of craziness... You find that common denominator that can make you both laugh. It's things like that that build that confidence, and the very first time you spend in their presence, you can have that. You can own that. You can own that friendship for the rest of your life. By the end of the day, we're hugging each other and we're looking in each other's eyes as real friends, and that's not an art. It's something that I want. It's something that I need. It replenishes my cup."

"We're better at communicating when we're natural, when we're being ourselves and being absolutely sincere and honest about why we want to ask a question. Loving people is one of the greatest gifts we have on this earth, and so many of us are so busy, we don't take time to actually love. I have come to find out the important things of existing and co-existing, and people is the common denominator. I cherish every relationship I have."

Spring Awakening

"Does a snake mourns the skin it sheds as it grows? Or a butterfly—does it hesitate when breaking free from its chrysalis and flying onward and upward?"

These are the thoughts I find myself pondering tonight. Glorious as it may be, growth means departing from the familiar and moving into the unknown, trusting that great things are ahead but not really knowing what that means. And for someone who struggles to let go of the reins, venturing into the unknown world alone is about as terrifying and uncomfortable as it gets!

The end of 2012 dovetailed with a life chapter's closing, and while I charged headlong into the new year with big hopes and aspirations... life had other plans (including two months of bronchitis). Six weeks ago I finally stepped into some semblance of a normal life, and... it's been a start-and-stop process ever since, relearning to what it means... well... to be me. 

I guess when you break a bone and reset it, there's inevitably a period of physical therapy, right? The fracture has healed, and that old, pesky limp is FINALLY gone, but the atrophied muscles have to awaken and regain their strength, and it takes so much patience and perseverance to get back to running and kicking and swimming and dancing and all those good things. And none of those will feel or function quite how they did before, nor should they.

Well... I suppose my heart, mind, and spirit are in something akin to physical therapy.

It's weird, picking up the pieces and moving forward into life again after a year spent on hold—breaking down to the core, working through heartbreaks, treasuring every moment with my sweet grandmother, transitioning into a new phase of complete independence. I didn't realize just how dearly I needed the connection and purpose and belonging I felt in Grandma's last months... and now... it's just me again. No roommates. No place in a family unit. No debt. No emotional obligations. I've never been so wholly independent in every sense—which is both liberating and isolating. 

As much as I try to look at everything as an opportunity... it's not easy. Most of the time I feel kind of lost. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things... but I don't have the desire to push as hard as I once could. Busy is not a badge I like to wear anymore. Slowing down is great... except when it reminds me that I'm alone. Keeping the "nobody loves you" gremlins at bay is a frequent battle. I know in my head that I'm dearly loved by many... but when my days come and go with little meaningful connection to others, it gets tough to really believe that in my heart.

New friendships have helped immensely—I've been adopted into a wonderful group that fits so well, and we do dinner twice a week plus play games on Sunday nights—but there again, it's a mixed blessing. New relationships require patience and effort and vulnerability—and goodness knows I feel vulnerable enough as it is just existing these days! I'm finally authentic and comfortable in my skin... but what it means to "be myself" is new, too. I'm not who I was a year ago (or six months ago, even). Just skimming my blogposts from as recent as December... man. That feels like ancient history. Even the focus on my "30 by 30" list—who was that girl?! So much of it seems silly and trivial now in the grand scheme of things. Familiar, good things are snapping back into place, like a desire to bake again Sunday for the first time in ages. But the deeper, emotional things are all new.

And it's funny, because when I get out of my own way and just LIVE, I do wonderfully. People tell me I'm amazing frequently... and I'm not trying for that feedback. I'm just being myself. But when I think about it, that's when I second-guess and wobble and fall—getting scared, wanting to run away and hide in my condo, where it's safe. And don't even get me started on dating!!! So many false starts lately that ultimately lack real traction and potential... but hope still prevails. It'll happen when it happens, and when it does, it'll be glorious.

Meanwhile... I just keep trekking along. Usually I like imparting of some overarching insight or wisdom when wrapping up a blogpost, but this time? I got nothing, kids. I'm making life up as I go! And, really, I guess that's the best insight of all, because that's reality. It's all we're asked to do—no more, no less.

But I will leave you with a couple gems I've found of late:

"You're going to become more tolerant with time, and not only because you have more to tolerate in yourself. Because life will batter you and you'll have a surer sense of what's important and has meaning and is good."—Peggy Noonan, 

Wall Street Journal

And...

Weakness in Strength

You know the old adage, "When I am weak, then am I strong"?

Well... I've learned this week that the opposite is true:

When I think I'm so strong I don't need others... then am I weak.

In general, I don't rank pride atop my list of struggles or weaknesses. I think I'm a fairly humble, meek, teachable person...

... until I need help. It doesn't matter what the help is, really, either. Help with painting my condo or moving or even hosting a party. Someone to take care of me when I'm so rundown and exhausted, I accidentally starve myself for a week and go into diabetic shock. (Yep, that happened.) A hug and shoulder on which to cry while mourning my grandmother's death. Asking for the help I need is almost impossible. Somehow I think I should be able to do everything on my own, and if not, I'm failing.

That, my friends, is its own form of pride. And the last year - especially the last week - has compelled me to humility on that front.

I just like to tread lightly, I tell myself. Other people are busy enough. I don't want to make demands on their time and emotions. We're not close enough of friends that I can crumble in front of them. No one likes an emotional mess, right?

And, worst of all, I don't know how to be anything but strong. Even when I'm not, and when being strong is the last thing in the world I want to be.

So I'll admit it. Losing my grandmother is absolutely devastating. And while I genuinely felt so much support and comfort that first day, I also was at a total loss of how to react, and almost a week later, I'm still totally lost. There's no instruction manual for losing your sole earthly source of unconditional strength and support. I've been emotionally self-sufficient since the bottom fell out on my family when I was 13 and didn't have anyone to lean on - except for my grandmothers. Over the years I've built a phenomenal support system of friends, but my grandmothers had been there my whole life, and I felt like I could claim and expect their support. When Gram died a decade ago, I just rolled that closeness and emotional connection over to Grandma Doris. Without her, I feel so lost. Who do I have now? Add to that an additional 10 years with Grandma Doris in which we made that transition to an adult friendship filled with so many fun moments and important common bonds like temple attendance, and... wow. I still can't quite let myself "go there" and feel the shock because I worry I won't be able to pull out of the grief, especially with the full plate in front of me from now until after the funeral. And there's no one who I feel like I can ask to hold my hand through that journey, either, even as I'm getting more offers for help than I know what to do with. My family is soooooo "suck it up and deal" that I can't recognize when I need to stop going it alone - a not-so-good trait I inherited from Grandma. It is incredibly difficult for me to let go and let others take care of me, even when that's what I want and need.

I keep thinking about when I climbed Mt. Washburn this summer, something I proudly did alone. A few groups of fellow hikers invited me to join them along the trail, and while I did chat with them briefly, I always changed my pace to get back to doing my own thing. It was something I'd been wanting to conquer for decades, and I just felt like I needed to do it solo. But was I truly without help? Nope. California girl that I am forgot to bring a jacket, and mountains get cold, so Grandma sent me off with her windbreaker. And I'd forgotten my sunglasses at the office before heading to Yellowstone for the weekend, but my friend had forgotten his shades in my car a couple weeks earlier, so it was his sunglasses shielding my eyes. And that was actually a total blessing, because his were far better geared for athletic feats than my cheapy wayfarers. Most importantly, at the summit I discovered that the hikers before and after me all saw bears along the trail. Plural. I didn't see a single one, although I did notice their tracks on my way back down. Later I learned that Mt. Washburn is the one hike in Yellowstone notorious for bears... and I sure didn't have bear spray. But I had a Heavenly Father watching my back, even as I stubbornly tried to climb alone.

Well... lesson learned. Even though she's gone, Grandma is the voice in my head, and her love fills my heart. She can't give me her windbreaker when I forget my own anymore, but I can draw from her love forever. And there will always be friends there to lend their proverbial sunglasses to help me if I'm willing to take them up on it. The sunglasses wouldn't have helped unless I put them on my face, and my friends can't help me unless I let them in and take them up on their offerings of support. And again, most importantly, I have a loving Heavenly Father to protect me from dangers both seen and unseen. He wouldn't leave me without the resources needed to succeed and thrive in life. Here's to the next stage of life's climb: learning to lean on the love in my life and climb with the amazing company that surrounds me.

Presidential Truthiness

Do we love how Washington had his dollar-bill head even as a boy? Kinda creepy, Grant Wood. Kinda creepy. 

Happy birthday to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln! While I don't think that all U.S. presidents merit celebrating today (Harding? Hayes? Carter?), these two are definitely winners. I was pondering these two great men earlier today, and you know what I realized they both have in common (besides February birthdays)?

Honesty.

Think about it. "Honest Abe." George Washington and that whole cherry-tree legend (which, ironically, is actually not true of itself - made up by Parson Weems and all... but still, I'm sure G-Dub was plenty honest himself).

This makes me wonder - is honesty so rare in politicians that it became a defining trait for two of our nation's finest?

(Need I even ask that question? Is the Pope Catholic? Does, as my friend Mike so delicately puts it, a bear crap in the woods?)

So, in the spirit of good, ol'-fashioned American honesty, I wanted to share some fun--and true--presidential factoids, courtesy The Mental Floss History of the United States (and my own trivial knowledge gained as an American studies major / American Heritage TA):

• George Washington was the only president who lacked a political party--and, in fact, he warned against them in his farewell address. I wonder if that correlates with how he seems to be the only president who escaped snarky nicknames. Dirty political name-calling: an American tradition since 1798.
• Washington was also the Founding Father to free his slaves.
• John Adams and his family got lost in the woods around the White House when moving in. Whoops!
• My personal favorite, James Madison, was our shortest president ever at 5'4 (which has long saddened my tall heart. Ah, Jemmy. We were never to be!).
• John Quincy Adams had a habit of swimming nekked in the Potomac each morning, a fact which journalist Anne Royall exploited: she sat on his clothes until he agreed to grant her an interview!
• Andrew Jackson survived an assassination attempt when the would-be assailant's two guns both misfired, after which Jackson beat the culprit senseless.
• The shortest presidency honor goes to William Henry Harrison, who caught a cold after delivering the longest inauguration speech ever and died just barely over two months later.
• Abraham Lincoln gained respect as a formidable wrestler during his days as a flatboat ferrier on the Mississippi. He was also the tallest president at 6'4. (Swoon!)
• Andrew Johnson was buried with his head resting on a copy of the Constitution. 
• Ulysses S. Grant was not the president's real name. He was born Hiram Ulysses Grant, but the congressman nominating him to the Military Academy got his name wrong, and Grant went with it.
• There were a few wifeless presidents, either from being bachelors or widowers. The only one to wed while in office, however, was Grover Cleveland -- and to a woman less than half his age at that! (She was 21; he was 49. Ewwwww. Creeper!)
• William Howard Taft was the largest president to occupy the Oval Office. In fact, on more than a few occasions he actually got stuck in the White House bathtub!
• Lyndon B. Johnson liked Fresca so much that it was on tap at the White House.
• Richard M. Nixon funded his first congressional campaign with wartime poker winnings.
• Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.
• George H.W. Bush is distantly related to fellow presidents Franklin Pierce, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Gerald Ford, as well as to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

More important than trivia (is there such a thing?) are these wise words from the past -- truthiness, indeed! -- that our current leaders should heed:

• "The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty." -- John Adams
• "The less government interferes with private pursuits, the better for the general prosperity." -- Martin van Buren
• "I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free." -- William Henry Harrison
• "Officeholders are the agents of the people, not their masters." -- Grover Cleveland (a wise creeper, apparently)
• "We Americans have no commission from God to police the world." -- Benjamin Harrison
• "Unlike any other nation, here the people rule, and their will is the supreme law." -- William McKinley
• "The world is not going to be saved by legislation." -- William Howard Taft
• "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." -- Ronald Reagan