Grasping for Gratitude

Get it on Etsy here

Confession: Coming into November, the plethora of daily thankful posts on Facebook made me cringe. And roll my eyes.

Thankful? I thought, filled with grump and vinegar. Are you kidding me?! This has been the WORST year of my life. Heartbreaking family fallings-out, a disappointing relationship, health problems, watching a dear one's health speedily decline, and, on top of it all, moving into the Orem condo rental version of The Money Pit.

Needless to say, 2012 is a year I'll be happy to see come to an end.

But, honestly, I repent of that formerly shortsighted attitude. I have an amazing life, filled with wonderful blessings for which I am indeed grateful. And, admittedly, it seems like the best growth comes through the worst trials, and I will be closing out 2012 a far better woman than when I began it.

So, without further adieu, let me count my blessings:

• The gospel of Jesus Christ--I don't know where I would be without it! So grateful for the knowledge that Christ lives, that He died to save me from sins and sorrows, and that God is involved in the details of our lives. I'm also immensely grateful for the impressions and promptings that empower me to serve others or that give me a heads up which spares me from heartache down the road.
• Phenomenal friends--Seriously, I have the BEST friends in the world!!! It's funny; I honestly didn't have good friends until middle school, but I think all of those years spent without them has helped me make and keep wonderful friends because I never take them for granted. It's such a blessing to have so many of my nearest and dearest friends within an hour's drive, too--friends from high school, college, Orange County, and new ones from the last few years. It's even more fun seeing them all mix and mingle!
• Perspective--This year has led to a LOT of deep thinking, processing, and pondering. I love how we can see things more clearly with some distance, and I hope that I can parlay that perspective into better, wiser decisions and more selfless, aware actions in the future.
• Discovering new talents and hobbies--The good news? I learned how to make Grandma's delicious candies. The bad news? Ummm... I know how to make the candies that I got once a year as a treat... and now I can make them whenever. This could be DANGEROUS, folks!
• Music--Pretty sure there are few things I love more deeply than music, whether it's listening to the Utah Symphony play Rhapsody in Blue at Abravanel Hall, singing gorgeously arranged Christmas music with the Mapleton Chorale, discovering a new band in Provo's surprisingly awesome local music scene (from whence sprang Neon Trees and Imagine Dragons, I'll have you know!), or catching an impromptu jam session at sunset in Washington Square. Music has the most amazing ability to express and translate emotions and energy where words fall flat. I will be forever grateful that I was raised in a home where music was at the heart, and I hope I can share that passion as long as I live!
• Art in all its forms--Art is amazing!!! I love how people can capture the essence and beauty of life, translated into whatever medium they choose--film, canvas, stage, written page, and even culinary arts. Spending time in New York City last month was such a treat because we spent so much time steeped in the finest art America has to offer, from the Metropolitan Museum of Art's American Wing (which, yes, made my eyes get misty, I was so touched and overwhelmed to stand in such greatness!!!) and the MoMA to three Broadway shows, each so different from the others. It makes my heart sing!
• The ability to indulge my wanderlust--Speaking of NYC... I'm so grateful I've had the opportunity to travel so much in the last few years. It's been incredible!!! I average a trip for just about every month I've lived in Utah. Excessive? Perhaps. But I also know that as soon as I marry, it'll stop--my life and time will be for my family, and I wouldn't want to wander from home too far or often. But as long as I'm footloose and fancy free, I'll keep bouncing around from coast to coast: Seattle (x2), San Francisco, Denver (x4), Savannah and Atlanta, Southern California (x10+?), Island Park (too many times to count!), the Tetons, Capitol Reef, Glacier, Banff, Calgary, New York City, Washington D.C. (x2), Little Rock, Memphis and Nashville, North Carolina, Mount Vernon, Williamsburg--I've covered some serious distance in the last few years!!!
• My darling condo--Yes, even though it's been a headache to bring up to par, leading to some heated text-versations with my landlord... I absolutely adore my place!!! And not just because it's all my style or spacious for my things, but because it is my home. It feels beyond wonderful to have a place I can call that!
• My job--It has been the greatest blessing in my life these past few years!!! Words fall short to express just how grateful I am for it, especially considering how tenuous my career was in California. Property insurance software certainly wasn't what I envisioned as my life's work, but it's interesting, and I adore the people, the paycheck, and the values and focus of my company. Here's to more wonderful years ahead!
• My grandmother--Funny how knowing her time on this earth is waning makes me appreciate and value every moment with her all the more. Grandma Doris has been the familial foundation in my life, the constant source of unconditional love (albeit tough love at times) and the best example of selfless service and kindness I've ever seen. She'd give you the shirt off her back--my shoe collection can attest to that (we're the same size, and she's given me shoes when I've forgotten to bring more than flipflops in the rain many a time!). She's a truly amazing woman, and if I live to be a fraction of the woman she is, I will consider my life a success.
• Roots and wings in Utah Valley--I never, ever, ever wanted to end up here. And yet? I love it. I really, truly, honestly do... much as it pains me to admit that. :P Silly California girl pride! Provo has never been anything but good for my soul, from my life-changing 8th grade year at Farrer Middle School to four and a half glorious years as a BYU student to the last three years as a professional. It's funny how the lives overlap--visiting a current friend who lives around the corner from my 1996 home (or, heck, going to my friend Melody's a few weeks ago, only to realize she lives in my old house from summer 2004!!!), or going to classic movie screenings at the BYU library and walking down the stairs on which I sat and had my first post-college job interview, a phone call for a job at The Orange County Register while I was studying for my last set of finals. It may not be as glamorous as reporting about Laguna Beach or doing PR for Toshiba, but it fits well, and I am so, so, so happy here, it's a lil' bit ridiculous. Even with the snow.

Above all, I am deeply and profoundly grateful for my life, and that it didn't turn out as I wanted it to. The plan I had for myself wasn't nearly as amazing as the one God had in store for me. These last 12 1/2 years of adulthood have been filled with so many unanticipated adventures, both happy and heartbreaking, but I wouldn't trade any. Each provided experience that has shaped me into who I am today, and I can't wait to see what's in store in the years to come!

Marry Me...

Happy Leap Year Day!

Today is the one day every four years when a woman can propose. Sadly... when a colleague asked yesterday who my intended lucky fella would be today... I drew a blank.

And then the wheels started spinning.

So my newfound goal for today is to propose to as many single guys as possible. Y'know, just because I can. Hopefully I'll be married by the time Leap Day rolls around again in 2016 -- don't want to squander this once-in-four-years opportunity, right?

And according to Wikipedia, I'm up for some fun compensation if the men say no:

• Supposedly, a 1288 law by Queen Margaret of Scotland (then age five and living in Norway), required that fines be levied if a marriage proposal was refused by the man; compensation ranged from a kiss to £1 to a silk gown, in order to soften the blow.
• In Denmark, the tradition is that women may propose on the bissextile leap day, February 24, and that refusal must be compensated with 12 pairs of gloves.
• In Finland, the tradition is that if a man refuses a woman's proposal on leap day, he should buy her the fabrics for a skirt.

A kiss? A silk gown? A dozen pairs of gloves?! This is genius!!!

Really, the only ROI I'm hoping for are some fun laughs with my guy friends. My last engagement was pretty fun, after all. Here's hoping my intended fiances will know I'm  not actually being serious or coming onto them... otherwise that could get awk-ward, and we all know how much I loooooove awkwardness...

{UPDATE: Well, I succeeded in my proposals -- in that I got a lot of laughs and no actual engagements. Which is what I was going for, after all. Most amusing dialogue on my Facebook in a while. But talk about a bonus: two of my intended fiances actually asked me on dates! Granted, they live in other states, but I should be able to help them make good on their promises by summer's end. Score!}

Presidential Truthiness

Do we love how Washington had his dollar-bill head even as a boy? Kinda creepy, Grant Wood. Kinda creepy. 

Happy birthday to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln! While I don't think that all U.S. presidents merit celebrating today (Harding? Hayes? Carter?), these two are definitely winners. I was pondering these two great men earlier today, and you know what I realized they both have in common (besides February birthdays)?

Honesty.

Think about it. "Honest Abe." George Washington and that whole cherry-tree legend (which, ironically, is actually not true of itself - made up by Parson Weems and all... but still, I'm sure G-Dub was plenty honest himself).

This makes me wonder - is honesty so rare in politicians that it became a defining trait for two of our nation's finest?

(Need I even ask that question? Is the Pope Catholic? Does, as my friend Mike so delicately puts it, a bear crap in the woods?)

So, in the spirit of good, ol'-fashioned American honesty, I wanted to share some fun--and true--presidential factoids, courtesy The Mental Floss History of the United States (and my own trivial knowledge gained as an American studies major / American Heritage TA):

• George Washington was the only president who lacked a political party--and, in fact, he warned against them in his farewell address. I wonder if that correlates with how he seems to be the only president who escaped snarky nicknames. Dirty political name-calling: an American tradition since 1798.
• Washington was also the Founding Father to free his slaves.
• John Adams and his family got lost in the woods around the White House when moving in. Whoops!
• My personal favorite, James Madison, was our shortest president ever at 5'4 (which has long saddened my tall heart. Ah, Jemmy. We were never to be!).
• John Quincy Adams had a habit of swimming nekked in the Potomac each morning, a fact which journalist Anne Royall exploited: she sat on his clothes until he agreed to grant her an interview!
• Andrew Jackson survived an assassination attempt when the would-be assailant's two guns both misfired, after which Jackson beat the culprit senseless.
• The shortest presidency honor goes to William Henry Harrison, who caught a cold after delivering the longest inauguration speech ever and died just barely over two months later.
• Abraham Lincoln gained respect as a formidable wrestler during his days as a flatboat ferrier on the Mississippi. He was also the tallest president at 6'4. (Swoon!)
• Andrew Johnson was buried with his head resting on a copy of the Constitution. 
• Ulysses S. Grant was not the president's real name. He was born Hiram Ulysses Grant, but the congressman nominating him to the Military Academy got his name wrong, and Grant went with it.
• There were a few wifeless presidents, either from being bachelors or widowers. The only one to wed while in office, however, was Grover Cleveland -- and to a woman less than half his age at that! (She was 21; he was 49. Ewwwww. Creeper!)
• William Howard Taft was the largest president to occupy the Oval Office. In fact, on more than a few occasions he actually got stuck in the White House bathtub!
• Lyndon B. Johnson liked Fresca so much that it was on tap at the White House.
• Richard M. Nixon funded his first congressional campaign with wartime poker winnings.
• Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.
• George H.W. Bush is distantly related to fellow presidents Franklin Pierce, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Gerald Ford, as well as to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

More important than trivia (is there such a thing?) are these wise words from the past -- truthiness, indeed! -- that our current leaders should heed:

• "The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty." -- John Adams
• "The less government interferes with private pursuits, the better for the general prosperity." -- Martin van Buren
• "I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free." -- William Henry Harrison
• "Officeholders are the agents of the people, not their masters." -- Grover Cleveland (a wise creeper, apparently)
• "We Americans have no commission from God to police the world." -- Benjamin Harrison
• "Unlike any other nation, here the people rule, and their will is the supreme law." -- William McKinley
• "The world is not going to be saved by legislation." -- William Howard Taft
• "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." -- Ronald Reagan

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Ah, New Year's Eve. I can't believe it's tomorrow already! How on earth did 2011 wrap up so quickly? I've got a thing or two I'd like to do, but as of now, no official plans yet. How about you, friends? What are YOU doing New Year's Eve?

Christmas for One

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. There's something magical and special in the air, celebrating the Savior's birth but also cherishing the common ties that bind us together as a human family.

In a word, lovely.

This Christmas will be the fourth I've spent alone and the first of the past three where I will have the house completely to myself for the bulk of the long holiday weekend, Christmas Eve and Day included. As much as that might sound sad and mopey, it's not. I promise. So much of my life is spent engaging with friends, colleagues, family, etc. that the best Christmas gift I can give myself is the gift of me time. It's something I hardly ever get, and I'm really looking forward to it. Do I want to spend Christmas alone forever? Of course not, but it's the best option of all the possibilities for me out there right now. Christmas is such a family time, there are precious few families where I wouldn't feel out of place for crashing their celebrations, and none of those families are in the Beehive State. As much as I appreciate the sympathy or the invitations from other people, I really am not worried or out of sorts at the thought of being alone.

So, that said, here is the rundown of how I'm making this Christmas count, even in a dose for one:

• Breakfasting with friends at Little America - Two of Salt Lake's finest hotels, the Little America and the Grand America, go all out for the holidays. Last year I went to Little America for Christmas brunch, and it was lovely! With Christmas falling on the sabbath this year, I'm opting for a Christmas Eve breakfast with friends, and I'm really, really looking forward to it. The food is divine, the atmosphere festive, and the company will be fabulous. It's my big Christmas to-do this year.
• Starting my own traditions - Just because I'm not yet married or celebrating with family doesn't mean I can't have my own traditions. Breakfast at Little America is one of them, but I'm looking to develop more. I'd thought about going to Temple Square on Christmas, which I've done before, but I've already seen the lights up there three times so far this season, so I've had my fill of that. I'd love to go caroling ON Christmas to a nursing home or hospital, but it's been tough to round up a group. The new-PJs-for-Christmas tradition has always sounded wonderful (I have a major love of pajamas!!!), so I just may end up buying some new ones, wrapping them up, putting them under the tree, and unwrapping them Christmas Eve. Why not, right?
• Working on Christmas cards - What better time to write notes of love and appreciation to the wonderful people in your life, right? My Christmas season has been too packed, and I haven't had a break to get my cards sent, so I'm looking forward to popping in some favorite Christmas flicks (Christmas in Connecticut, Holiday Inn, The Holiday, I'll Be Seeing You, and, of course, It's a Wonderful Life) and getting those done. They're awesome, believe you me. Totally worth the wait. (If you haven't yet sent me your address and want one, email it my way!)
• Enjoying some lovely Christmas tunes - Ah, I love music. LOVE it!!! So far this Christmas season I enjoyed a performance of Lex de Azevedo's Gloria in the Tabernacle, saw Nathan Gunn and Jane Seymour perform with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the Conference Center last weekend, and celebrated Christmas Tuesday evening at a house concert of Hue & Hum, the husband-and-wife team whose Christmas album is just wonderful! (He's in my fav band, and she's a gifted painter whose lovely print is now gracing my room.) Oh, and let's not forget last Sunday, when I performed on Temple Square with the Lehi Chorale (including a solo, which was pretty awesome to sing on the Assembly Hall stage!!!) It's all about music at this time of year, right? So I'll keep enjoying the Christmasey goodness. Next awesome Christmas music purchase: The Lower Lights' Christmas album. I'm sampling it on Bandcamp and can't wait to snatch it up as soon as I get home tonight!

• Making delicious eats - The season ran away from me! While I did cook up a storm for Christina's and my annual Christmas party, I haven't made goodies yet for my coworkers and some friends, so I'll get a little baking in. More importantly, I'm planning to make myself an excellent Christmas dinner. Pear and shallot stuffed pork tenderloin in a port wine and fig reduction sauce, anyone? Yep. It's amazing. I'm also hoping to swing up to Sugarhouse tomorrow and pick up a loaf of challah, which is my new Christmas tradition as of last year (great for French toast!). By the way, the mini-French silk pies turned out AMAZINGLY! They're on the far left - such keepers. A little labor-intensive, perhaps, but worth it for sure.
• Relaaaaaxing - I can't remember the last time I didn't have some stress/duty hanging over my head. Sure, I have a little freelance work to do, but I can do it while curled up in my PJs, enjoying a good movie this weekend. Tonight I'm kicking off the holiday weekend with a massage, and my goal is to maintain that sense of loose relaxation throughout the weekend. Also on the agenda: at least one trip to the temple, returning to my favorite dance class tomorrow morning, reading some books, and just staring into space without feeling guilty about letting something go undone, if I feel so inclined. I've got tentative plans with a few friends ("yeah, we should do something!" "Mmmmkay, let me know when works for you..."), but I'm enjoying the idea of no set plans for four whole days except breakfast Saturday and church Sunday (which I'll be enjoying from the stand as a speaker - more on that in a later post...). 

Merry, merry Christmas, dear friends!!! I hope your holiday weekend is chock-full of wonderful plans. Love and all the best to you each!

My Love-Hate for the Holidays

I have such an intense love-hate relationship with the holiday season. On the one hand, I absolutely ADORE the holidays. They really are magical!!! It's so fun to get into the season and enjoy the camaraderie and celebration and giving that happens during this time of year. Shopping and wrapping presents, baking up a storm, decorating - LOVE it all. My favorite thing all year is throwing an annual party for my friends. In California, I did a "cookie party" each year. Since being roommates with Christina, we've broadened the scope to an amazing, full-blown Christmas party, complete with lots of food, games, and even a service project. Planning that thing is my favorite part of the year!!! Chris and I started discussing it back in October, I think, and it's going to be all kinds of awesome. That party really is what makes Christmas special for me! It's so fun to throw my whole heart into creating something special for my friends.

But at the same time, the holidays just magnify the aloneness I feel where family is concerned. While I have relatives aplenty who I love, including two sets of parents and two wonderful siblings, I don't feel like a part of a "family." I haven't been included in a family unit since childhood, really. Even as a teen, I was a free agent, arranging who I spent holidays with on my own. It is what it is, and I can't do anything to change it, but that doesn't take away the sting that comes each year around this time. So many people are so sweet and kind and welcoming, inviting me into their celebrations so I'm not alone, but honestly, that makes it harder! It stings to see the joy and sense of belonging that come in those familial bonds - joy and security I lack. Holidays with my family are too painful, and so staying on my own has become the lesser of two evils.

It's the better choice for me at this point in my life, and it is a conscious choice - but that doesn't mean it is ideal, either. Frankly, it kinda ticks me off, because there really isn't a good choice. All I want is my own family - a loving husband, fun in-laws, my own children, my own home. I want people to spoil rotten and to receive all this love I want to lavish, but for which I lack an outlet. It isn't even like I have nieces and nephews to spoil, y'know? Families can be so beautiful and wonderful, and I can't wait to create that someday. For now, I'll just keep on keeping on - and sincerely hoping that this is the last year I have to do it alone.

(Thanks for letting me vent, friends. Sometimes I just need a hug, and there's no one to ask for one, so the digital listening ear is much appreciated.)

Hope for the Holidays

"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations." - Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

You know, hope seems to get neglected amid its companion virtues of faith and charity, but I gotta say, hope has got to be one of the greatest feelings in the world! There's something so brightening about knowing that where we are in the now is not where we'll be forever, that there are bigger and better things ahead if we can summon the strength and courage to keep on keeping on.

I'm seeing some miracles come to pass in my life, things I'd written off and lost hope toward - only I didn't realize that I'd lost hope, if that makes sense. Instead I figured I was being tough and wise, looking out for myself, guarding my heart, adamantly refusing to set myself up for disappointment yet again. And that's on a few fronts, actually, but it wasn't 'til right now that the ridiculously obvious parallels came startlingly clear.

Anyways.

The last couple of weeks, events have been set in motion by external forces (i.e. I wasn't expecting or planning on it!), and all of a sudden I'm full of this exuberance and peace and radiant happiness that I haven't felt in a while. The scales of skepticism are falling from my eyes, the pain of the past is dissipating to where it belongs - in the past and far from my present! - and, well, I'm hopeful. Hopeful that what seems to be on the horizon really will be. Hopeful that the other person won't let me down again - and if they do, well, hopeful that I'll be able to rely on the Redeemer's healing yet again. Hopeful that I won't stumble and fall but will be able to make some amazing things happen in 2011. Goodness knows 2010 was packed. I feel like it's the year I came into my own, and now there's nothing but blue skies ahead.

Here's to some hope-filled adventures on the horizon!

A Thankful Heart

Oh, Thanksgiving.

I love, love, love Thanksgiving! What a wonderful thought - a day devoted to focusing on our blessings, expressing gratitude and sharing delicious food with the ones dearest to our hearts. Seriously, what's not to love?!

Well, I have much, much, much for which I'm grateful: a nice roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear (and cute ones at that, or so I'd like to think), the privilege of living in the greatest nation on God's green earth, amazing friends who deeply enrich my life, a wonderful family - especially my dad and stepmom, who are such fantastic examples to me! - and, above all, a knowledge that God lives and that His son Jesus Christ gave His life that we might live with Him forever, and the agency to make the decisions that will dictate how my life goes, for better or worse. Mostly for better, I'd like to think!

Anyways... I'd feel so remiss to not do a good Thanksgiving post, but words are coming up short for truly expressing the feelings of my heart.

Uh, I'm a professional writer - this is a rare feeling for me!

Goodness knows I ALWAYS have something to say, right? ;)

So, let me share with you the words of one faaaaaaar wiser than myself: the incomparable George Washington. My brilliant stepmom shared this at dinner tonight, and I wanted to pass along this great piece of our history. Enjoy!

*****************************************************************

George Washington's 1789 Thanksgiving Proclamation

Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor; and whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me to "recommend to the people of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness":

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enable to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and, in general, for all the great and various favors which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions; to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shown kindness to us), and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand, at the city of New York, the 3d day of October, A.D. 1789.

Turkey-Lurkey-Doo

You know you love this song. You know you look forward to hearing it every year.

Wow, can you believe this is 15 years old now?! Look at how young good ol' Adam Sandler looks here!

"Jimmie Walker used to say 'dynomite' - that's right!"