Picture snagged from Sweet Coconut Lime
Imagine limping your whole life on a poorly mended broken bone. The break came so early in life that you don't really remember walking differently. You don't notice it that much, really, until you try to leap and run and dance like your peers - but just plain can't. Finally, you hit the point where you refuse to be held back any longer, but the only way to heal it is to endure the painful process of rebreaking it, resetting it, and then working through physical therapy to rebuild strength. The process is arduous, unglamorous, frustrating, and exhausting - but it's that, or limp forever.
I'd rather leap than limp, even if it means being broken in the short term.
Since the fall, I've been working with an EMDR specialist to clear out the pain of my past, which is what I'd referred to in my last post. In so many ways, it's been AMAZING - I've had so many powerful "Aha!" moments that have brought phenomenal insight and empowerment. But at the same time, it's the hardest thing in the world to unleash the most painful moments and emotions that have been under lock and key for a lifetime - and stare them in the face. It is testing my strength in every way imaginable, and balancing all of that with my usual life of work, grad school, freelance, dating, friendships, church responsibilities, etc. has taken its toll. I am just plain burned out.
Apparently, so is my thyroid. Again. For the last decade, I've had Hashimoto's thyroiditis. It really hasn't been a big deal - just pop a pill in the morning, and I'm fine. But (not coincidentally - thank you, body/mind/spirit connection) as I've launched into working through things, the symptoms have crept back. I started noticing little random things, like the layers of my fingernails splitting and breaking, my hands being freezing cold (which I never noticed until the guy holding them commented on it repeatedly - cold hands, warm heart?), muscles in my legs and feet cramping up out of nowhere. But it wasn't until last week, when walking a 5K left me wiped out in bed all day, that I realized something was really wrong. And then everything added up.
Here's hoping the thyroid's the culprit, because it's easier to deal with a known evil than an unknown one. I've had it managed for 10 years, so I'm sure I can get it back to normal. Even so, it's scary and frustrating to physically not be able to do what I'd like. I just plain don't have the energy, and when it's gone, it's gone. For someone who's M.O. is to go, go, go, it's killer.
For the last several months, in the midst of all of this, I've pondered the idea of glorying in tribulations. I've spent a lot of scripture study looking at verses about trials, tribulations, and the blessings that follow those who faithfully endure. To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement, but the thought that keeps coming back to me over and over again is "I can do hard things" - and, most importantly, I don't have to do them alone. In the strength of the Lord, through the enabling power of Christ's grace, I can do that which I could not do otherwise. Only He knows fully what's going on; only He fully understands anyway. His love is unconditional, and He knows my capacity better than I do. In my most heartbroken moment, all I could think was "Wow, God must trust me more than I trust myself to get through this!" The only way I can get through what lies ahead is to lean on the strength of the Lord and to trust in His infinite wisdom and strength.
Time and time again, I've come back to the Lord's promise in Ether 12:27:
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.I'm experiencing the reality of this verse in powerful ways. There's something amazing about being okay with weakness when it's a stepping stone to strength. I've never felt more humbled to the core as my barriers and walls have come tumbling down, and I've never been more keenly and painfully aware of my weaknesses and failings - and yet, I've never felt more empowered, really tapping into the strength of the Lord. This journey is one in which I can't reach out to any person in my life - it's too personal and hard to explain. But I can turn to the Lord with this broken heart and contrite spirit, and I trust in His power to make these weaknesses into strengths.
It's going to be an interesting summer, to say the least. At this point, I feel like making it to 30 with my mind, heart, and body in tact will be an accomplishment in and of itself!!! But without a doubt, I know that I'll come through this a better, stronger, wiser woman, more fit to be the wife and mother I dream of becoming someday (hopefully soon). Pretty much can't think of a better gift to myself and my posterity than that!
