"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." -- Semisonic, "Closing Time"
Friends, think back with me to a time when you ventured into the unknown--first day at a new school, first Sunday in a new church congregation, a first date, or even the first social outing with a new set of friends. Remember the butterflies? The queasy uneasiness? The nerves and petrifying fear, wondering how this next chapter of your story would play out?
Well... I'm on the precipice of major changes once again, and somehow I keep thinking this will get easier with age, but... it doesn't. It still feels raw and vulnerable and so scary to face the unknown, walk away from what's comfortable and joyous and working, and venture into a new opportunity with no certainty of what lies ahead.
This January, I will officially age out of being in a young single adult ward (congregation) and will once again attend a "family" (traditional) ward for the first time in my adult life. I haven't been part of a family ward since the Sunday before I graduated from high school!!! I left high school graduation in my cap and gown and moved straight up to BYU, where I've been actively engaged in the YSA scene ever since--from BYU wards aplenty to the two singles wards in the southernmost tip of Orange County to four wards across the four years I've been back in Utah. In each case, a huge chunk of my social life (if not the majority, honestly) has derived from the friendships made within the current ward. It's so natural in LDS life!
Singles wards are busy busy--three hours of church on Sundays (plus a couple more hours of leadership meetings for the bulk of the last nine years), post-church potlucks, ward prayer, firesides, Monday night "Family Home Evening" activities, mid-week Institute classes, a number of activities that pop up throughout the weeks and weekends... and that's only the formal stuff! Then there are the social gatherings that naturally grow out from the friendships cultivated through so much church-sanctioned interaction.
And in a mere seven weeks... that part of my life and my identity will end. Completely. Forever. And there's not a danged thing I can do about it.
To say this feels intimidating and powerless is an understatement. I absolutely adore my ward! And the feeling is mutual. I was out of town yesterday and managed to receive at least five texts or Facebook messages from friends, telling me how missed I was and asking how I'm doing.
Come January, I'll switch to a family ward, which is what it sounds like--a congregation filled with participants of all ages and stages of life instead of the 18-31-year-old singles of YSA wards. Each type of ward has its benefits; a family ward certainly trumps the YSA ward on depth of life experience, especially in the ward into which I'm heading. I've been attending intermittently since August to ease the transition, and I've been nothing but impressed with what I've found there.
But that still doesn't stop me from having a heartbreaking sense of loss, defeat, and trepidation each time I walk into the back of the chapel and sit alone, uncertain of what the heck I'm doing there... feeling like a failure in the deepest, most visceral sense.
My life's mission is to marry and raise a family--no, not in some broad, sweeping gender stereotype sort of a way, but in a personal, Christa's-hopes-and-dreams sort of a way. It's all I've ever wanted, and getting booted from the singles ward because I've expired is really, truly the actualization of one of my greatest fears. I never wanted this to happen, just like I never expected to graduate from BYU single. And while that unexpected life path has brought countless blessings and such great happiness that I wouldn't have had it any other way... that still doesn't completely soothe the sting of feeling like I've failed to accomplish the One Big Thing I want in my life.
And... oh, the ridiculousness... I also recognize that with each passing year, I grow closer to the inevitable fulfillment of that dream, and it fills me with just as much trepidation as the lack of it does too!!! Talk about a Catch-22--I just can't win!
Couple those senses of loss and uncertainty with how the other Big Thing I wanted to happen didn't, and... I haven't felt so at a loss for understanding where I fit into this great, big world and what comes next in my story in a loooooooong time. And for a PLANNER, feeling totally lost and unsure of what's next is just about the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world!!!!
I do trust in God's timing and in His plans for my life--and, without a doubt, His plans always turn out to be a million times more amazing than anything I've dreamed or schemed for my own days.
But still... this hurts. A lot. And as much as I just want to savor every last second of my seven weeks in the singles ward, the fact that I know it's ending and soon just rips up my heart. I felt like I missed enough with yesterday's absence while in another state. How on earth will I handle stepping away when geographically I haven't budged?!
How do you handle life's great disappointments and unexpected twists? Goodness knows this problem pales in contrast to the life-or-death battles friends of mine are facing--and these kinds of disappointments are just part of life. I'm no different from anyone else. But even so, I'd love to hear how you cope!
