Broken

Broken. Fractured, imperfect, disconnected, not functioning.

That pretty much sums up how I've felt for a while now. One failure cracked my heart deeply, and a subsequent series of smaller heartaches and disappointments compounded to drive the fissure into a fracture I just haven't been able to set and mend on my own. That, of course, leads to more feelings of failure and frustration, and... well... the cycle can be vicious.

While discussing this with a wonderful listening ear today, this anecdote by Pres. Boyd K. Packer came to mind (boy, am I ever glad I listened to that fireside):

A Broken Bird

Now, the last thing I want to talk to you about: a broken bird.

Over the years, as a diversion, I have carved wooden birds. Sometimes it would take a year to complete one. I would get specimens and measure the feathers and study the colors and then carve them. I would carve a setting for them. It was very restful. Sometimes when I would get unsettled, my wife would say, "Why don't you go carve a bird!" It was a very calming thing in my life.

Elder A. Theodore Tuttle and I were going into town one day. I had one of the carvings. I was taking it in to show someone. We had put it on the backseat. At an intersection, he slammed on the brakes, and the carving tipped upside down on the floor and broke to pieces. He pulled over to the side and looked at it. He was devastated. I was not.

Without thinking, I said, "Forget it. I made it. I can fix it." And I did. I made it stronger than it was. I improved it a bit.

Now, who made you? Who is your Creator? There is not anything about your life that gets bent or broken that He cannot fix and will fix. You have to decide. If some of you have made mistakes and you think you are broken and cannot be put together, you do not know the doctrine of the Church. You do not know what the Atonement was about and who the Lord is and what a power He is in your life.

This is His Church. We are His servants. We who hold the priesthood have His authority and power. We can perform miracles. We do not talk about them. Most of those miracles have to do with healing the body. The greater miracles are the miracles of spiritual growth and healing in the lives of every one of us.

All of us feel broken, disconnected, and flawed at one point or another. That's the only reason I share this -- if I knew I was the only person who felt like this, I'd keep it to myself, after all. To live is to experience moments of loneliness and discouragement. Thankfully, we have a Savior who knows us innately and will heal us if we turn to Him. He made us -- He can fix us and help us to be stronger and better because of the challenges we overcome.

One of my initiatives for 2012 is to study the Atonement of Jesus Christ, whether through scriptures, inspired talks by LDS leaders, or books like The Infinite Atonement and Believing Christ. I'm also reading non-religious literature about healing, compassion, shame resilience, and imperfection, all of which dovetail well with my doctrinal studies. Each day I'm reminded of the amazing Plan of Salvation our Father in Heaven created for us, which involved the Fall of Adam and Eve, creating that original disconnection between God and man. Man became imperfect, and no unclean thing can dwell in God's presence. Therefore, an Atonement was necessary, with Christ selflessly taking on the role of Mediator -- paying the price of our sins (as well as our sorrows, infirmities, grief, etc., all the sad and heavy things that weren't caused by a lapse in our agency) while extending infinite mercy and grace to us if we will follow the commandments God has spelled out that lead us back to Him. That knowledge makes all the difference in the world.

We might feel broken at times, but we're not like Humpty Dumpty, shattered beyond repair. Christ's perfect healing power can make us whole again. And for that, I will be forever grateful and awestruck.